ARGH!!! Husband with money and attitude!

jamespir

SuziQ wrote: »

I put up with this for 10 years in my first marriage,and sorry to say,it did end in divorce. My ex also used to over-react to my mentioning his overspending and I soon worked out,his best form of defence was attack-so put the blame back on me for being too controlling etc,the focus moves away from them and they think we will be so scared of losing them that we will be scared to mention finances again.

Since we split my ex has carried on with his ways and lives in a bed sit. Never pays towards the kids,never has,but at least I know where I am with MY money. He went through the divorce settlement of over £40,000 in a matter of months then told everyone how I had supposedly fleeced him-ha ha ha.

No advice as only you know how bad your bloke really is,but hugs to you-and good luck!


ETA-I posted without reading the further developments. Oh my-you really do need third party intervention here. Off to read the whole thing!

keep mention what your oh spends his money on is and demanding to know what its spent on being controlling

if i tell my missus to do something im being controlling but if she tells me what to do i have to shut up and get on with it

im sorry but i think women need teaching what the word controlling means

SuziQ

pointless thread-ss last few posts.

sulkisu

confusedroast wrote: »

I would not be on the phone to the police if he hit me I would be packing my bags even though its my flat (only just got his name on the mortgage)

ITs half board in maldives and we dont plan on doing anything apart from relax and spend quality time with dd - I dont even know if we will be going - I know he would have walked out to calm down and take a breather I have no doubt he will be back soon

I don't think you can call slapping him, standing up for yourself. I can imagine the responses on here if he had slapped you because you had called him names. If he had hit you back, would that be justified? You could call him a few names and it would be all square!

And are you prepared or the fact that he might feel the same way - i.e. like you, I would never stay with a partner who was violent towards me, not even once. So why should he? If I walked out it certainly wouldn't be to calm down.

As for the holiday, you seem to be missing the point. You can't afford it. Half-board in the Maldives is not cheap by any standards. It sounds as if you both need to get your priorities sorted-not just your husband.

sulkisu

Any wrote: »

!!!!!!???? He called her slag and she has to appologise? Hell I know I woulnd't appologise first (unless he appologised for the slag).

Agree with the rest though...

But would you feel the same way if she had called him names and he hauled off and belted her across the face? Just curious.

SuziQ

Edited for obvious reasons.

I really think you need profeesional help far more than a holiday in the Maldives (after all the talk of money worries, I was shocked to see it was such an expensive choice!) and I very much doubt that the two of you can pull this around and 'live happliy ever after.'

Would you even want to?

The name calling and the slap highlights how little respect you have for one another. It takes a LOT to walk back from lack of respect AND trust issues and make things work. I am sure some have managed it-and kudos to them as I am sure it was bl**dy hard work-but you have to ask yourself IF you want the hard work and is it worth it?

gratefulforhelp_2

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

The more I read this the more I think you really need to get yourself off to the doctor to get checked out. Your moods are so up and down and all of your reactions are so strong that it really does make me think that you have some sort of problem going on here, either PND or being very stressed. If you are doing things that previously you would never have done (hitting your husband!) then this is a sign something is very very wrong.

And of course the biggest issue is where do you end up if things escalate from here?

You need professional help of some sort. Maybe it's your health visitor, your GP, Relate, whoever but the situation is getting out of hand here. Please don't keep saying it'll be alright and then racing straight back into combat with him. It's not good for you, for him, for your relationship or more importantly for your LO.

Please try to step back and look at the situation calmly and rationally. Is this person really you? Is it who you want to be? Is it how you want your LO to remember mummy and daddy? If not, get help!

Good advice here.

daska

You still don't really get it do you. It's not your flat any more.

If you're short of money then the Maldives isn't an appropriate choice. (Not only that but the travel is a bit onerous for a babe, I did it with DS1 a couple of times and have some wonderful memories but it's a no-frills direct or comfort and stop in Dubai which takes longer.)

You need to be working together on this, not squabbling over who paid what and who owns the other. Joint assets, joint debts, joint responsibilities.

In your heart of hearts I think you know that your problem is that you need the reassurance that comes from being in control of what happens to you and yours. So either go back to work or find another solution that works for both of you.

As for your husband being a 'man's man' well, what can I say! He sounds more like a bit of limp lettuce who needs a good handbagging from his mum. Man's man indeed :rotfl:

Steel_2

SuziQ wrote: »

The name calling and the slap highlights how little respect you have for one another. It takes a LOT to walk back from lack of respect AND trust issues and make things work. I am sure some have managed it-and kudos to them as I am sure it was bl**dy hard work-but you have to ask yourself IF you want the hard work and is it worth it?

It's going to be a long walk back to bliss because a line has been crossed. It either shocks you so much you go up to a higher level in the relationship where you don't ever do it again and can sit down and sort things out, or it goes to a lower level and disintegrates until slapping and name calling becomes more frequent.

That's a big one for me. I grew up watching my parents do this sort of stuff and swore I'd never do it in my own marriage. I always wondered how they got started down that road. How they went from that one little slap one day to the World War III fights I used to see dished up regularly where they would try and smash plates over one another's heads and rip off each others glasses and stamp on them.

I lost track of the number of times full plates of food were hurled into walls during Sunday lunch.

confusedroast

Well he came back a few hours ago and I suggested we take dd for a long walk - whilst walking he said he was sorry he hasnt realised how stressed out I had been, that me slapping him was out of order but also made him realise how out fo character it was for me and how i must be a serious cry for help (my mum beat me when I was a kid so I was brought up by foster parents and I DO NOT condone any violence and would NEVER do this sort of thing) He said that he will pay whatever I tell him to pay in order to keep our family safe and happy
I apologised for slapping him, said that I appreciated how stressed he was at work and how hard he works for us. I said that I have been thinking long and hard and as he is paying the mortgage and bills and that we are in a marriage I will pay for the holiday and he wont have to pay me back, after all he will have to pay for a holiday if we can have one next year, am quite happy to have a holiday in the uk next year or none at all if we have to put money into doing up a house

He said he is not happy with this and that he wants to pay me back his half when he gets his commision pack in 2 months (around £800) as he still feels guilty he owes me the other money.
We sat down with a cup of tea when we got back and dd went down for a nap (little tinker didnt sleep the whole hour we were out) and went through all bills etc

I thank everyone on here for their help....things are not normal at the moment and I doubt they will be for a few days, just have to ride this and hopefully next month will be a better month

confusedroast

Steel wrote: »

It's going to be a long walk back to bliss because a line has been crossed. It either shocks you so much you go up to a higher level in the relationship where you don't ever do it again and can sit down and sort things out, or it goes to a lower level and disintegrates until slapping and name calling becomes more frequent.

That's a big one for me. I grew up watching my parents do this sort of stuff and swore I'd never do it in my own marriage. I always wondered how they got started down that road. How they went from that one little slap one day to the World War III fights I used to see dished up regularly where they would try and smash plates over one another's heads and rip off each others glasses and stamp on them.

I lost track of the number of times full plates of food were hurled into walls during Sunday lunch.

Its shocked both of us