ARGH!!! Husband with money and attitude!

74jax

Steel wrote: »

She hit him. She had a choice. You. Do. Not. Hit. People. There is NO justification. You do not use violence to win an argument regardless of what someone says.

And if you do this routinely Any, if you think that's acceptable to belt someone over a few words, you have a serious problem.

I agree, she lost it (rightly or wrongly) and hit him. He walked away to calm down - she even says this in the her posts.

She should have done the same.

jamespir

74jax wrote: »

You have got to be kidding me................ can't you spend 'quality time' with your daughter at home????? free??????????

i agree and wont it be to hot for the baby in the maldives

the_cat

Any wrote: »

!!!!!!???? Hell I know I woulnd't appologise first (unless he appologised for the slag).

Oh jeez, it's an attitude like this that got the OP to where she is now!

This couple have spent weeks bickering,nagging and skirting around the problem leading up to a big, stupid and totally unnecessary bust-up!

The first sensible thing I've heard of either of them doing is the OH walking out to diffuse the situation.

Hopefully they can now move past the petty 'who's the most to blame' game and start talking like mature adults!

jamespir

Any wrote: »

!!!!!!???? He called her slag and she has to appologise? Hell I know I woulnd't appologise first (unless he appologised for the slag).

Agree with the rest though...

she hit him she need's to apologioze whether he called her a slag or not

JBD

jamespir wrote: »

she hit him she need's to apologioze whether he called her a slag or not

I think they both need to apologise. Violence is clearly wrong, so is verbal abuse of this nature. Neither have any place in a family. Is this the right atmosphere to bring up children in?

euronorris

OP - I'm going to say something, and you probably won't like it. But........right now, you are basing almost ALL your decisions on your emotions, rather than logic.

Please, take some time to calm down. When your OH comes home, apologise for hitting him, but explain that you were also hurt by his name calling. Hopefully, he'll then take the opportunity to apologise to you.

Then, leave it. Don't discuss it anymore at this point. You two are sooo stressed and angry and confused, you won't get anywhere right now. Give yourselves both some time to calm down first.

Then, TOGETHER, work out the budget for the following month and agree on the best way forward. If he needs to have a little of his own 'spare' money, then agree to a set amount for that, but also agree to a set amount of 'spare' money for you. Agree on an amount to save each month (for holiday, loft conversion, dentist - whatever) and then set up a Direct Debit for it. And talk, but most importantly, LISTEN, to each other. Ask him how he feels about it all, and why he wants it this way or that, and has he considered this etc. Get yourselves working together as team and things will smoothe out.

But, if things start to get a little heated, then just break off from it for a while. Just offer to make a drink and suggest you take a couple mins breather before starting again.

I really hope you can work through this together. But, please, don't ever slap him again. Just as it's not OK for him to ever slap you, it's also never OK for you to slap him.

belfastgirl23

None of us can see both sides of the story here, maybe your husband is being a total idiot but you are definitely not handling it well at all.

My worry is that you are simultaneously saying it'll all be ok and we'll go on holiday whilst also saying I can't live like this. The one thing I'm thinking about your husband is that your signals to him are totally mixed - I'm really worried about money but lets have a loft conversion and go on holiday.

The more I read this the more I think you really need to get yourself off to the doctor to get checked out. Your moods are so up and down and all of your reactions are so strong that it really does make me think that you have some sort of problem going on here, either PND or being very stressed. If you are doing things that previously you would never have done (hitting your husband!) then this is a sign something is very very wrong.

And of course the biggest issue is where do you end up if things escalate from here?

You need professional help of some sort. Maybe it's your health visitor, your GP, Relate, whoever but the situation is getting out of hand here. Please don't keep saying it'll be alright and then racing straight back into combat with him. It's not good for you, for him, for your relationship or more importantly for your LO.

Please try to step back and look at the situation calmly and rationally. Is this person really you? Is it who you want to be? Is it how you want your LO to remember mummy and daddy? If not, get help!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

TBH, once it comes to physical stuff and sexual insults, I think it's possible that things have gone too far to be mended.

If your next post had said he slapped you, there would be hundreds of posts saying get rid now, that an abuser never changes, that any apologies and promises are meaningless now the trust has been completely broken.

Personally, I think it is quite telling that he didn't flatten you.

Perhaps he is back indoors now, perhaps he is already heading off into the distance.

The fact that you hit him would also make it very difficult in the event of a breakup in terms of child residence orders. Especially with no attempt to eliminate psychiatric illnesses. Perhaps a visit to the doctor to exclude PND would at least cover that base, just in case it is brought up at a later date?

I don't know what else to say. But this won't be fixed easily just by him doing as he's told.

mistrihelen

If he's on the mortgage it's not your flat - it's both of yours. Similarly, as he's now paying (or should be) for the majority of outgoings, I'm not sure it's sensible to focus on how much he owes you. You're in this together.

Make an SOA and if there isn't enough money coming in to have spending money each, then consider tightening things further, or getting a part-time job that will see you in some profit after childcare (if needed for part-time) or that's even doable from home. Not so that you make up for his spending, but so that as a family unit there is enough money to go around once bills have been paid. If you work out that his income can cover everything after all, even better.

I'm in not-too-distant position from yours, currently pregnant and I'll be without (much) income while on maternity leave. We can't afford for me not to work at all, but I'll try to go back part time (probably) so that I still get decent time with my child, but that we don't end up too broke. I'd hate to think that this time next year I could be having screaming matches and slapping my partner, all because he won't take part in organising finances too. If I avoid it, it won't be because I'm 'better' than you, but because I'll make sure we talk (and keep on talking) about finances before we end up in too sticky a position.

I think you're both at fault here now - him primarily for not realising he *is* the family income now, but you also for acting as if your savings in the past will always outweigh the income he is providing now.

I don't think anyone 'needs' a half-board holiday abroad for quality family time. Not when they can't afford it. You could take the same time off and stay at home and still get a break - or go somewhere cheap in the UK.

Also, I know it's hard, but try not to be too defensive towards posters' comments here. I know it's difficult to take in criticism, but none of us know you in real life, so you don't need to put on a brave front to tell us everything's okay after all. Maybe it *will* be okay, but right now it does sound as if there are some real problems that need addressing.

I hope you can get it all sorted.

SuziQ

Pointless thread-see last few posts.