ARGH!!! Husband with money and attitude!

onlyroz

confusedroast wrote: »

I was made redundant then found out I was pregnant
It will cost £800 a month to look after dd AND we wouldnt see her at all all week -something we both dont want to do - I would have to drop her off at 6.30am and wouldnt get back til 7-8pm
thats not fair on her (why have her>>??)

I'm still confused - your old job might have had these hours, but couldn't you look for a new job with hours that fitted better around your family? If money is now tight and you have the skills to work in a £3k+ a month job, then why not get something part time? Then you'd have the extra money *and* you'd still be able to spend a decent amount of time with the kid(s).

diable

I haven't read through the whole post but men being men as I am one of them from time to time need a great big boot up the !!!! to motivate them into doing something positive.

Steel_2

confusedroast wrote: »

I am up and cant sleep since 3am - am now writing down al costs for hubby to look at - have said this is what I have paid out for - holiday, cattery, passports, loft stuff - how will you pay this back to me
mortgage and all bills, food etc totals - my income - this leaves you £400 - how do you propose to pay me back AND have money for 1st week of holiday? (he gets paid 2nd week we are away)

That's not how it works and won't work with this view of marital money.

Marital money is shared. If one goes down, you both down. If one person is ill, it negatively impacts on the other. If one person loses their job, it negatively impacts on the other. If one has a screwed credit record, the other is associated on the credit report and affected. You're one end on the marital scales. You don't stand alone, but it might be that circumstances in your life and the behaviour of your hubby has made you feel you have to.

I don't think it helps that the house and savings are in your name. I think that has contributed to the situation. He lacks financial responsibility, because financially he has none. Are there any assets in his name?

confusedroast wrote: »

1he is a mans man and wants me to stay at home and look after our children (we want more) and now so do I

If he wants you to stay at home and have more children, he has to take on all of the bills. All of them. Not just the bills for mortgage and utilities. Not just the kiddy expenses. Holidays come out of his wages. Nights out and meals come out of his wages. You clothes and toiletries come out of his wages. New furniture comes out.Everything.

That's how it works.

He's not a man's man. He may say that, but he's not. He's playing at what he thinks a man should be, but I suspect you being the main breadwinner for so long he probably feels emasculated so he behaves in a manner that punishes you for making him feel that way. My previous boyfriend did this, even when it became apparent that his behaviour wasn't appropriate and financially ruinous. He had this fixed incorrect idea of what a man was and no way was a women going to eclipse him by doing 'better'. It's why I left him.

My husband's a man's man as far as I'm concerned any way. He puts his responsibilities first. There have been times when my freelance income has dried up and he's stepped in and paid everything, the last time for five months. He does it without complaint. He dropped his hobbies because they were costing money, sold off some of his hobby equipment to pay some bills. At one point he even sold his beloved sportscar to pay for much needed double glazing when we couldn't afford it but the drafts from ill-fitting windows were blowing the curtains out. He rarely has nights out with his mates as he would prefer to spend the money on our biggest asset - the house - and put money aside for the future.

BUT it wasn't always like this. When we first married, it was separate all the way and we paid each other back in the same way you are doing. But it didn't work. I became ill and started paying my bills with credit because I wanted to keep up my 'end of the bargain'. He only found out about six months after I recovered and was very annoyed, but I said to him "what on earth did you think I was paying bills with when I was asleep in bed for five months and not working?"(I had glandular fever and chronic fatigue). He didn't have an answer.

It had genuinely never crossed his mind that I may have spent my savings on bills and then topped it up with balance transfers and credit advances. And I was too proud to admit I was struggling. From then on things changed. He asked me not to put things on credit and to come to him if I had problems. So I did. And we solved the problems together. It was a trust issue on my part which we're now over.

Each of us has our bill responsibilities as we don't have a joint account yet - I keep an eye on the fixed bills like mortgage and council tax so I have a fixed goal every month to earn for and I need that personal responsibility to step up to and know when those bills come out. He tackles all the floating variable bills. The job of earning extra money falls to him - which might be car boot sales or selling off junk on ebay - while the job of playing a great defence with the housekeeping (ie shopping to budget, meal planning, utilities switching, deal hunting) falls to me. But we don't actually keep track any more on how much someone pays for something. It's just marital money.

It is not an easy attitude to adjust to. But you do have to eventually otherwise resentments build up.

jamespir

confusedroast wrote: »

Well right now I dont want to be in his company - in response to my response he just siad "Fine £10 is more than enough"
I am now sat here in the corner of the sofa whilst he is on the other side, I am NOT going to make is sandwiches, in fact I am not even going to mention it, sod it if he has no lunch tomorrow what is he going to do? Take out £10? Hmph! Oh well I am now going to go the hard way, he might take some soup or something in the morning but knowing him and his total disorganisation I doubt it

He did just say "Look I will put whatever I need to put into your account to cover the bills and mortgage and food, you tell me how much, as you only get £160 a month benefits I think you should only pay the gas and electric which is £40 and I will cover the rest"

i really feel sorry for him the more you post you seem to be very emotianol after having baby and your taking it out on your hubby
it seem you want to bite his head off about everything he does

i could do lunch for the whole week on a tenner

jamespir

confusedroast wrote: »

- how do you propose to pay me back AND have money for 1st week of holiday? (he gets paid 2nd week we are away)

whats he need to pay you back for your not a bloody bank hes your husband

and will you ahve money for the holiday or are you expecting him to take his own

YOU HAVE TO SHARE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

confusedroast

Well I stood up to him and look where its got me - he shouted at me, in my face, he called me a slag and that he hated me and boo hoo poor me for finding everything so difficult -
So I slapped him

I have never ever lashed out at him but my blood was boiling - I lost it then - You ALWAYS raise your voice at me when there is a problem, you never want to talk so come on lets have it out then lets shout at the top of our voices and give the neighbours something to talk about and degrade and lose respect for each other - this is how you always carry on (I am screaming and crying at thispoint), does this help now? Now that I have lost it for once?! Is this what you want? I have told you for the last 5 months that I will NOT have any money coming in anymore and I cant pay anything and you have still just spent all your money, still got me to bail you out (if you want the bigger picture he told me he still had the £300 I gave him at xmas, he owes 3 friends £100 each, I paid for the last 2 holidays when I was working, he lied to me again and again sayinghe had money, he waited til I booked the holiday then told me he didnt have any money)

He walked out on me, I havent stopped crying since 9am, I DO NOT have PND, this has been going on for months and I am now glad that I have lost it cos its been driving me nuts

He HAS said he will let me have all the money I need for bills and mortgage and food etc and he will have to survive on whats left, I have said I will pay £60 towards bills

I put his name on the mortgage last month and it cost me £300 for solicitor fees and documents and £275 for the mortgage broker

the_cat

Right, well I'm not sure I can add much that hasn't already been said, but maybe if enough of us say it , someone will phrase it in a way to 'click' with the OP!

You are sounding very much like your user name - you're confused (and he's getting a roasting!):(

It seems to me like your redundancy forced you into staying at home where you otherwise would not have done and I'm not sure you are comfortable with your new role as a 'dependant adult'.
For me, absolutely without question the hardest thing about becoming a SAHM was the loss of my financial independance. It is very easy to resent not having your own money and start micro-managing his income (ie. taking away his cards etc)

The cold hard fact is that you do not have the option of your money/his money anymore. When you are both working, it is possible to continue as you were before marriage and pay your 'half'. Like you said, you need to adjust to the changes. If you can't stand the thought of that, you will have to get a job!

Stating that he has to pay you back is immature and childish (and very shortsighted, given that he is paying your way ATM) Do you think you should pay HIM back later for all the bills he is paying? Of course not, and neither should you!

Here's what I think you should do. Do a full list of ALL the family income and outgoings (use the budget spreadsheet on here). Include everything. Bills, food, nappies, everything you NEED (wants come later!!:D)
Take the outgoings from the income.
The balance is what is available to divvy up for spending. Take into account any holiday you want to take, christmas to save up for etc and put an agreed amount aside monthly for these. The rest is divided by 2.

And his half of that money is all he can have for spends. If it isn't enough, you have 3 choices. Cut back. Use an agreed amount from savings to top you up. Or increase your income

Simples!!

the_cat

Sorry my post will now look insensitive and odd. You updated whilst I was typing!

The advice still stands on the finances, but I think there are bigger issues to deal with. Either partner hitting the other, shouting screaming and walking out are not part of a financial spat. Take a BIG step back and look with honesty at yourself, at him and at your relationship
(((hugs)))

jamespir

confusedroast wrote: »

Well I stood up to him and look where its got me - he shouted at me, in my face, he called me a slag and that he hated me and boo hoo poor me for finding everything so difficult -
So I slapped him

I have never ever lashed out at him but my blood was boiling - I lost it then - You ALWAYS raise your voice at me when there is a problem, you never want to talk so come on lets have it out then lets shout at the top of our voices and give the neighbours something to talk about and degrade and lose respect for each other - this is how you always carry on (I am screaming and crying at thispoint), does this help now? Now that I have lost it for once?! Is this what you want? I have told you for the last 5 months that I will NOT have any money coming in anymore and I cant pay anything and you have still just spent all your money, still got me to bail you out (if you want the bigger picture he told me he still had the £300 I gave him at xmas, he owes 3 friends £100 each, I paid for the last 2 holidays when I was working, he lied to me again and again sayinghe had money, he waited til I booked the holiday then told me he didnt have any money)

He walked out on me, I havent stopped crying since 9am, I DO NOT have PND, this has been going on for months and I am now glad that I have lost it cos its been driving me nuts

He HAS said he will let me have all the money I need for bills and mortgage and food etc and he will have to survive on whats left, I have said I will pay £60 towards bills

I put his name on the mortgage last month and it cost me £300 for solicitor fees and documents and £275 for the mortgage broker

sorry but your going about it all the wrong way and hes cheesed of with you shouting at him every five minutes about money and your cheesed of too with him spending the money no wonder hes upset

you slapped him and now your crying becasue he walked out what do you expect if hed have hit you i can guarantee you'd be on the phone to the police


SERIOIUSLY you need to calm down hes already agreed to pay the bills

as for yout holiday can you not do stuff where you dont have to spend money and just relax and enjoy yourself

confusedroast

I would not be on the phone to the police if he hit me I would be packing my bags even though its my flat (only just got his name on the mortgage)

ITs half board in maldives and we dont plan on doing anything apart from relax and spend quality time with dd - I dont even know if we will be going - I know he would have walked out to calm down and take a breather I have no doubt he will be back soon