ARGH!!! Husband with money and attitude!

lynzpower

Hang on

Dont you have any spending money of your own? Ie oif you want to buy a book? Or for your haircuts? Are you drawing this out of savings ?

Welshwoofs

Op - there's a few things which have struck me in this thread and please don't get upset by my observations because they're made with the best intentions.

1. Do you think your frustration with him could be due, in any part, to you losing control? I earn approx 3x more than my partner and if I'm honest with myself, I actually like the control and independence that gives me. You've basically given up the dominant position, is it rankling you?
2. Did you both agree to you giving up work to stay at home? To me it's quite odd for the highest earner to stay at home and if your household has debts to pay it does seem like a rather poor decision (sorry!). Could it be that there's some resentment on the part of your husband to suddenly being the 'bread winner'?

I'm not actually sure that keeping hold of his bank card will solve things. Yes, you'll know how much money is being spent but I can't help but think that if you've both been used to handling your own earnings, it'll store up resentment in him.

If you think that money is going to be the source of arguments or bad feeling in the future, might it be an idea to return to work yourself so that you have more control and there's more money to go round?

Aruna

confusedroast wrote: »

I have said - your taking me for a mug, you have £10 left and that has to last you til thursday, I am NOT helping you out anymore - you knew how much money you had left and YOU chose to spend 90% of it - now you deal with thse consequences

Try putting your foot down like this for a very long time, but also remember you are not his mother - so be careful how you go about it.
Cut back or right down on any non-essential spending on him, tickets etc. Infact spend nothing on him directly at all, and see if he is still the same man in terms of affection, friendliness to you etc, look out for his true colours when you are not bailing him out.

I say this because from experience, when i put my foot down and stopped bailing out my ex, by giving him cash, my cards to spend money when he needed to, as well as asking him to pay back what he owed, he slept in the living room for days, and then on the other side of the bed avoiding body contact and conversation, sulking for more than a week - because he was upset with me for making such changes.

Even after make-up time if he tries talking you into being your old self, still stick to your guns.

I know its annoying him being mad at you for trying to sort things for the better, because i've been in your shoes, just take deep breaths.. or find ways of taking your mind off things,

Best of all you've got this place for advice, support and venting.

Kay_Peel

You've been made redundant, have a new baby and no plans to return to work. Hubby is the provider and earns 25K per annum. You dream of selling your flat and moving to the country (I've read your other posts). Your present mortgage deal ends this month and there will be more expense on your repayments.

You have some savings (redundancy payout?) which you intend to spend on a loft conversion, a holiday abroad in April and keeping your lifestyle in the manner to which you became accustomed while you were earning. You buy hubby little treats - like the tickets that you mention.

You see hubby as being the problem 'spender' but you are quite adamant and determined to press ahead with your own spending plans. You believe that the sale of your improved flat will result in a big wodge of cash coming your way. Good luck to you on that one - the property market is a minefield of uncertainty and you're a long way off selling anyway.

Neither you nor your hubby see anything selfish or foolish in him going away for a golf day. You accepted some drivel about it being cheaper because more people are going. (I'm a golfer). From your reaction to the bill for the golf day I would guess that you haven't a clue about how much golf costs. You've never had to think about it before.

It sounds to me as though you BOTH need a wake up call. Sooner or later you, just as much as your husband, will have to make some adjustments to your spending if you want to keep your head above water, I feel.

jackieb

confusedroast wrote: »

I think that this is another post about to go bad

Listen I was posting to vent and to get suggestions, ideas, support etc
Everyone has an opinion I understand BUT its just an opinion, sometimes good, sometimes bad, you either take it or dont

Can I just say though that to make a statment such as - marriages dont work cos of wanting to lead seperate lifes makes me chuckle

Marriages fail for MANY reasons in this day and age, all realtionships take effort and hard work

My marriage WILL work to my husband because we both work very hard at it, it has its highs and lows, I am just fortunate I am not in a marriage that my nan has had where the wife shuts her mouth and says nothing runs around for her husband and 11 kids whilst the husband does nothing, its not her place to say anything and never has.....I am glad we have moved on somewhat since then

confusedroast wrote: »

there is nothing to pay til thursday (bar some milk and bread) I just bourhg the subject up how I have tried this month and he hasnt elped me at all and he went mad I have just told him he has to look at the finances and do it himself as I am cracking up and if he doesnt I do want a divorce
I am not a mug and I willl not put up with this !!!!! anymore

You need to be a bit more consistant. You sound very angry and stressed. If I were your husband I think i'd want to be out as much as possible as well - maybe he hates a bad atmosphere at home. I'm not excusing his spending. I'm stubborn too and would hate to be told what to do. Thankfully, me and my husband agree on how to deal with our finance (mostly!).

Try to calm down. You said joint finances won't work. What you're doing just now isn't working. Why not try it? All this 'it's my money/it's his money' thinking isn't helping you - it's obviously stressing you out very much.

74jax

confusedroast wrote: »

So he is going to pay out £1400 and have £400 leftover - I dont think he can survive on that - I will have £120 a month and that will go on dd milk and nappies

Sorry I misunderstood you there, no that is NOT alright at all. I thought when you said he would cover the bills mortgage and food, that meant he'd be paying for the nappies and milk etc as that would be bought when you are out buying food and the £120 you had left was for you and only you.

he has said he will put in your account whatever it takes. Have you worked out what that figure is? Whether or not you think he can survive on £400 a month or £200 a month or even £50 a month is not really your concern. Work out how much you need and let him know. They guy has offered to transfer this amount to you. What ever he is left with left him do what he wants, and you spend your £120 on whatever you want. Just DON'T bail him out again.

belfastgirl23

The more I read this thread the more I think there's another issue here. It seems like you can't talk to each other at all without one of you going off on one. I thought he was bad with the huffing till you mentioned that you were going to go off on one at him when he came home. This must be a horrible way to live your lives, both looking for opportunities to punish each other and storing up resentment.

Is this really how you want your marriage to be? All temper tantrums and huffs? If not then you need to talk to your husband properly about how you communicate. And you have to lead by example. If you're upset with him don't just start yelling, tell him calmly you're upset.

I would second the suggestion to examine whether you might have postnatal depression too.

The other thing to say is that I am picking up from the thread that you are not very good at accepting or considering things you don't want to hear. We are all a bit like this but I wanted to point it out to you here. Yes your husband has problems with money but to be honest I think you have problems yourself in communicating with him about it for whatever reason. It's very easy to sit back and see a problem as being entirely caused by someone else, a lot harder to think about your own behaviour and how you contribute to it. But in the end it's empowering to see what your role in things is, while feeling like a victim is easy in the short term it's poisonous for your relationship in the longer term.

Please understand I'm not saying this to upset you, but just to try to reflect to you how you sound. You seem almost irrational here, not that you don't have a basis for your worries but in how you choose to express them. And it is a choice.

Do try to think about this, even if you aren't ready to talk to your husband about it, think about how it must feel to come in to someone who just wants to shout at you and tell you what you've done wrong.

belfastgirl23

PS I just picked up on some of the cross posts that you've left work entirely (presumed you were on maternity leave). Are you absolutely sure that some of what you're feeling re your husband isn't grieving for a way of life you've left behind? You are coping with a LOT of changes in your life and it isn't surprising you're feeling all sorts of things. And if this is the case you need to acknowledge that this is a lot about you rather than just being about his behaviour.

jackieb

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

PS I just picked up on some of the cross posts that you've left work entirely (presumed you were on maternity leave). Are you absolutely sure that some of what you're feeling re your husband isn't grieving for a way of life you've left behind? You are coping with a LOT of changes in your life and it isn't surprising you're feeling all sorts of things. And if this is the case you need to acknowledge that this is a lot about you rather than just being about his behaviour.

I agree. There are lots of stressful things going on just now, or recently. Redundancy, new baby, a big construction project and then possible house move. That's a lot for anyone to deal with. Your husband might just be the straw that's breaking the camel's back.

ChrisCobra

This is what happens when couples think everything is theirs alone , all this my own bank account rubbish is hilarious.

Whatever happened to a family being a shared unit who can decide together what money they can spend on "nicies" and how bills should be paid.