ARGH!!! Husband with money and attitude!

belfastgirl23

CR don't take anything anyone has said personally. I think everyone who has posted here is trying to help and you have to remember that we have all had very different experiences from each other. I know it does feel that some people go straight to very strong actions but mostly they are people who have had very difficult experiences in the past and are concerned for you. It is actually good to have these options laid out to you, your gut reaction to them should tell you a lot!

But I would also say that every marriage has weak points and the money issue is clearly a major weak point for you. It's not that this will necessarily cause any terrible outcomes for you but more so that it is a weakness in the underpinning of your relationship. I agree that it's important for you both to sit down and try to come to a solution that you are both happy with. I still have a sense from you that your solution is that you 'fix' it but if your DH is anything like mine he does not like being told what to do and in fixing it you might actually be deepening the underlying problem. A real solution might also mean you have to give up on something - maybe you are a bit too controlling and need to step back a little on some things. And even admitting that you can be in the wrong encourages an atmosphere where he can also explore where he is wrong.

It is never easy at the time but it is so much better to try to resolve this before you get to a point where you are both feeling desperate. As Daska says you don't know what the future holds, what if you get ill or unexpectedly get pregnant again or get made redundant or whatever. You want to face these types of life events together and united. You have a chance now to do the work to make this possible. And fingers crossed the situations won't arise. But it would be nice to feel you'd got it sorted.

Lots of luck

daska

confusedroast wrote: »

What are you suggesting I do then?
What happened to you?

too much external stress from court cases, pregnancy, redundancies etc lead to shingles and left me with ME. Try modernising a house when you run out of breath just reading

What I'm suggesting is that, while he's agreeable you get him to agree to use this time to examine your financial habits. Keep a diary of expenditure - down to the last penny - for a month to show him where the money goes. It may come as a shock to him if he finds he's spending £200/month on sandwiches and drinks (or whatever it is he is spending his money on). You'll probably have to do it on a daily basis so that he can 'remember' what he's spent LOL.

daska

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I still have a sense from you that your solution is that you 'fix' it but if your DH is anything like mine he does not like being told what to do and in fixing it you might actually be deepening the underlying problem. A real solution might also mean you have to give up on something - maybe you are a bit too controlling and need to step back a little on some things. And even admitting that you can be in the wrong encourages an atmosphere where he can also explore where he is wrong.

Ooooh, OW! Got me in one, and the OP as well. LOL Yes, I agree, I get a strong sense of the CR being the 'fixer' and hubby hanging on the coat-tails.

Loz01

If that was my OH and he took money that needed paying for a debt and went to play golf for the whole weekend (and left me with the baby) - I would've gone mental and spontaneously combusted if Im honest - sounds like he's acting a bit selfishly.

honeyD

The posts saying open a joint account are ridiculous. Im all for couples having joint accounts usually but under these circumstances I would say stay well clear. If he is bad with money then you do not want to be putting all of yours AND his into one pot where he can take and take without thought. You need to make sure you have enough money for food etc for you all if he is going to throw his down the drain. I hope he turns this around for you confusedroast I really do. Its not fair on you at all.

sulkisu

Hi CR,

I have just read through this thread.
I'm not having a go so please don't take this the wrong way, but perhaps you will get more help if you made it clear what you are asking - what do you want advice on? Your first few posts sound like you are simply letting off steam (i.e. you are angry about xyz) and then your subsequent posts are you either excusing or explaining his behaviour. You end by saying that this is ony a temporary problem which will resolve itself in a matter of months (does this mean that it isn't a problem)? There's nothing wrong with letting off steam but it's difficult to give meaningful advice if we don't know what the question is.

confusedroast

Well not in the best of moods now as although have been out with dd for a nice long walk DH said he would be back for 2pmish, called me an hour ago to say that they were just getting on the train, then just text saying missed the train can I pick him up when he arrives...text saying no as dd has dinner at 4.30pm
I am not being funny BUT I have dd all week, although he looked after her yesterday I need a proper break sometimes, I KNEW he would spend all day out, just gotta see how much he has spent now.

IF he has spent a lot (and I mean more than £60) then I will hit the bloody roof just you wait and see he is not ever gonna come home when I am finished with him

sarahlasvegas

You confuse me in your posts - you post b1tching and moaning about the OH, then when others agree, you get very defensive. You're last post will only encourage critical posts of him, and no doubt get your back up again.

Im not judging yout situation....just thinking you will no doubt get into arguements posting - more of the "he's terrible" posts. How would he feel if he was to see them?

Money_maker

Ashamed, embarassed, sorry?

fabforty

sulkisu wrote: »

Hi CR,

I have just read through this thread.
I'm not having a go so please don't take this the wrong way, but perhaps you will get more help if you made it clear what you are asking - what do you want advice on? Your first few posts sound like you are simply letting off steam (i.e. you are angry about xyz) and then your subsequent posts are you either excusing or explaining his behaviour. You end by saying that this is ony a temporary problem which will resolve itself in a matter of months (does this mean that it isn't a problem)? There's nothing wrong with letting off steam but it's difficult to give meaningful advice if we don't know what the question is.

I have to agree with this and also with Sarahlasvegas - are you just venting or if not, what would you like advice on (for example, budgeting, suggestions on speaking to your husbands, tips on managing your finances etc)?
You also mention that this is a temporary problem that will be fixed soon, which leaves me wondering if there is still a problem?