ARGH!!! Husband with money and attitude!

daska

CR I'm beginning to think that you and your husband are our doppelgangers. I would laugh but I can't because everything you describe is so familiar it's painful. He walked out last year and I still haven't let him come back home because his irresponsible attitude to money caused more stress than any of the external factors I mentioned earlier. I love him dearly but he is bad for my health! Last year he flushed 2K down the toilet because he was too lazy to return the Tax Credit paperwork. He didn't know he wasn't getting the tax credits because he hadn't bothered to inform his bank that he's moved 3 times and never checked the balance on his account. Result? Instead of paying off the overdraft he still has one and his DLA back pay hasn't cleared it either. Still in debt even after what should have been a nice surprise.

This isn't a game of monopoly. Don't let him use "but I love you" as his get of of jail free card.

consultant31

Smashing wrote: »

You sound like a couple of kids. :think:

I was beginning to wonder how old the OP and her OH were myself. He appears to be not only irresponsible with money, but spends very little of his spare time with his wife and baby.

Unlike many posters, I think (I know) that marriages can be happy without shared bank accounts. I find it odd that people can't see the advantages - there are many occasions I can think of where I don't want my DH to know how much I am spending....in much the same way as I don't want to know everything he spends. I trust him absolutely and he trusts me - why do I need to be able to check his accounts.

Welshwoofs

ChrisCobra wrote: »

This is what happens when couples think everything is theirs alone , all this my own bank account rubbish is hilarious.

Whatever happened to a family being a shared unit who can decide together what money they can spend on "nicies" and how bills should be paid.

I can hear the cogs grinding back time to the C19th as I write.

You don't need to have shared bank accounts to have shared financial responsibility.

onlyroz

I am still struggling to understand why the OP is the one that has given up work.

jackieb

onlyroz wrote: »

I am still struggling to understand why the OP is the one that has given up work.

I may be mistaken but I think the OP was made redundant and then found out she was pregnant.
Someone can correct me though.

onlyroz

If that is the case, then does the OP have any plans to find a new job at some point? Surely that would solve a lot of these problems...

confusedroast

I was made redundant then found out I was pregnant
It will cost £800 a month to look after dd AND we wouldnt see her at all all week -something we both dont want to do - I would have to drop her off at 6.30am and wouldnt get back til 7-8pm
thats not fair on her (why have her>>??)

I am up and cant sleep since 3am - am now writing down al costs for hubby to look at - have said this is what I have paid out for - holiday, cattery, passports, loft stuff - how will you pay this back to me
mortgage and all bills, food etc totals - my income - this leaves you £400 - how do you propose to pay me back AND have money for 1st week of holiday? (he gets paid 2nd week we are away)

I cant do this anymore so you need to step up to the mark and face facts, I am now losing sleep and I cant talk to you about it, this WILL NOT just go away if we dont talk about it, it wont get better if we shout

Pitlanepiglet

confusedroast wrote: »

am now writing down al costs for hubby to look at - have said this is what I have paid out for - holiday, cattery, passports, loft stuff - how will you pay this back to me
mortgage and all bills, food etc totals - my income - this leaves you £400 - how do you propose to pay me back AND have money for 1st week of holiday? (he gets paid 2nd week we are away)

I cant do this anymore so you need to step up to the mark and face facts, I am now losing sleep and I cant talk to you about it, this WILL NOT just go away if we dont talk about it, it wont get better if we shout

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

For one minute I thought you'd got it "I am writing down all costs for hubby to look at - have said this is what I have paid out for - holiday, cattery, passports, loft stuff" I thought that was fantastic, nice and positive so that he knows what the situation is and then you can have a rational discussion then you follow it up with...

"how will you pay this back to me mortgage and all bills, food etc totals - my income - this leaves you £400 - how do you propose to pay me back"

Why does he need to pay you back, this is "all of your" holiday presumably? You are a family, a unit and before that a couple. I pay everything in our household, I don't keep a tally though, I don't expect hubby to pay me back...

Your husband clearly has an issue about what he is spending and he needs to address that once he has a clear understanding of the family finances but you seriously need to think about the way you perceive all of this and how you want your family to run.

I would tally up all of your income, tally up all of your expenditure (SOA), get all of your money paid into one place (your account if needs be although you will get a joint account if you look but maybe only a basic one). Then sensibly, after discussion, transfer out the amount that you both need to live. You get the housekeeping money, he gets travel, daytime food, spends etc. Then what you do with your portion of the money is up to you. It's like kids and pocket money, if they spend it on sweets on Saturday morning then the week is long....

I don't wish to be offensive but you (and I mean you not the two of you) really do sound irrational, I suspect this is a stress reaction, possibly PND and I think you really need to find someone to talk to as I think it's all spiralling out of control from you at the moment.

Lotus-eater

I've never read a thread where I've been so confused, this is almost like a couple of people living together, not having a relationship.
She lends him money, he doesn't pay it back, she has to pay for food for her and the baby, he spends his money on golf......... crazy

It's the most bonkerish thread I've ever read.

I don't even know why I'm bothering replying, obviously the OP is letting every useful post just go straight over her head, not only that, but she has absolutely no idea what the real problem is.

He's off spending money on golf, while you worry about having enough to pay the bills and have enough food.
You can't talk to him about that.
He has no idea about money.

He has no responsibility and wants to live a single life when he has a family, which he doesn't really seem to care about at all.
You are handling all the financial responsibility and doing it badly it seems.

His money, our money, Crazy, this isn't a functioning family unit at all.

Craftyscholar

confusedroast wrote: »

I thought I would go back to work, but then I had our baby and that changed straight away, he is a mans man and wants me to stay at home and look after our children (we want more) and now so do I
Its about adapting to our changes not me changing him, as stubborn, sometimes horrible he is, he is also the most loving, caring, husband and father....just not financially savvy ;-p

If that is the sort of family life he wants then he becomes 'the breadwinner' which means that his income pays the cost of running the house, providing for the needs of the family.
Extras (hobbies etc.) come out of what is left.