I'm going to kill my husband to be!!

Miss_Ratty

I just spotted this post, and I'm so so sympathetic...my OH is EXACTLY the same. Very nervous in public, when his mate announced his engagement spent days in dread worrying about being best man, and when I talk wedding, he stays schtum! I sometimes want to shake him, but on a positive...I have been a wee bit evil...when he says, "oh, I was thinking about this or that for the wedding" (very rare and when a bit drunk), I just say, "But I have already sorted it, I have got this and that...you said for me to just tell you when and where to turn up" heh heh heh. Gradually he has started to ask now about things and started talking, so it has kind of worked, but not really, as I can still see the fear in his face when we talk about the logistics of the day. I suffer from panic disorder so know exactly how he feels. Just hold on there, and I'll be watching this thread and crossing my fingers for you x

Emmypenny

Glad you've had a relaxed weekend Shell, I hope you have many more of them!

Have you thought if there's any of his interests that you can use to make him feel more included in the wedding? You could say something like "I know you're uncomfortable about talking about the wedding but I was thinking of doing SUCH AND SUCH and you're the best person I know to talk to about that. Can you help me?" Keeping it about that task, rather than using it to start a huge conversation about the whole thing should stop him from feeling overwhelmed and more likely to contribute next time.

It could be about picking the best music, or selecting the beer for the party, or it could be that you want to use his favorite football players or TV characters as table names. Probably best to start on the small scale though, and keep it a short and sweet conversation.

richardvc

sunshine_shell wrote: »

Well, we've had a calm weekend and no fighting and its been lovely!! I don't really want to kill him, just really frustrated at his mood swings about our wedding. Because it is about us, not just me and i find it hard that he isn't as excited as me about it!

Because weddings don't do it for us guys in the same way that cup semi-final don't do it for the majority of women !! Hope that makes sense !!

sunshine_shell

richardvc wrote: »

Because weddings don't do it for us guys in the same way that cup semi-final don't do it for the majority of women !! Hope that makes sense !!

I love football so whats the next excuse?? I don't understand how you can't be excited about marrying the woman that you love!?!

Emmypenny

Shell, remember that the wedding is just a day, the marriage is the long term commitment. Yes he should be excited about marrying you - the life you'll spend together, the things you'll do as husband and wife and everything that entails. However I can understand why he's anxious about the one day where he's (half of) the centre of attention, has responsibilities for making sure everyone has a good time, that he doesn't stumble over his words and that you are as happy as can be. That isn't necessarily something that's going to come naturally to him and might make him uncomfortable.

It's much more important that he's wanting to spend his life with you, than he's eager to plan day one of that marriage. If he's wanting to plan day two, year two and year twenty-two with you, then that's the real life that you're spending together.

sunshine_shell

I agree with everything your sayng Emmypenny, i just want to be married. I want him to be as excited as i am about spending the rest of our lives together. Richardvc seems to think i'm this spoilt brat who wants it all to be about me me me me me and i'm nothing like that. We are a team and even though i want us to do this together and its now got me thinking... if he's like this baout a wedding whats he going to do if i get pregnant? is he going to be excited about that or is he going to kick off like he is doing about the wedding?? I'm frightened to talk to him incase i scare him off.

LittleMissAspie

sunshine_shell wrote: »

I don't understand how you can't be excited about marrying the woman that you love!?!

Maybe it is overshadowed by his dread about standing up in front of a bunch of people and having them all staring at him. If he's anything like me then just the mention of the wedding will be making him feel sick with anxiety about having to speak in front of people like that.

Maybe he could get a valium tablet or something for the ceremony? That might make him feel better.

RainbowDrops

Shell - I think you really need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture as you seem to be working your way up into a tizz which is probably doing neither you nor your OH any good. The fact that you're starting to doubt him is an indicator of this.

Someone else mentioned it, but men & women do tend to have different oppinions about weddings. Most women (an I realise I'm generalising) have probably thought about weddings quite a few times in their life, whereas most guys probably haven't.

I've certainly been obsessing over weddings a lot more than my OH (I've been on this forum most days recently!)

Just because he isn't perhaps being as excited / interested as you at making wedding plans doesn't mean he's any less devoted to spending the rest of your lives together.

You said earlier that your OH said he wants to be married to you he just doesn't want to get married, and you have mentioned his worries about doing speaches etc.
What I gather from that is that he IS excited about being married and spending the rest of his life with you, but it seems that he isn't suited to the big song & dance that a Wedding entails.

I think this comment from richardvc sums it up nicely:

BTW, I wish you (the OP) luck and have no idea how to coax your fiance round but please remember you are marrying him because you are in love with him and nothing to do with a ceremony.

Emmypenny

sunshine_shell wrote: »

I agree with everything your sayng Emmypenny, i just want to be married. I want him to be as excited as i am about spending the rest of our lives together. Richardvc seems to think i'm this spoilt brat who wants it all to be about me me me me me and i'm nothing like that. We are a team and even though i want us to do this together and its now got me thinking... if he's like this baout a wedding whats he going to do if i get pregnant? is he going to be excited about that or is he going to kick off like he is doing about the wedding?? I'm frightened to talk to him incase i scare him off.

I don't think Richardvc has suggested that you were like that, only that for some people it can become that way if they forget what's important (i.e. the long term commitment). Don't worry what we think ayway- it's important how you both feel about this.

As Rainbow Drops points out it might be worthwhile taking a step back and looking again at things outside of the wedding planning sphere.

I can't tell you what to do - I can only suggest what I would do in a similar situation. I know this kind of discussion is difficult. I spent days in tears trying to get the courage to speak to my ex-boyfriend about why I wasn't happy. I took some of my friends advice and wrote a letter detailing my fears. I never showed him the letter (although my friend gave her now husband her letter), but I spent time writing it that helped me work out what I wanted to say to him. If it were me I'd rather not spend 12 months feeling the same stress, but have the difficult conversation now and work out how to move forward. Even if the conversation involves tears, upset and talking about things that frighten you.

You know your man, you chose him, he chose you, and you got engaged. I'm sure if you think about the reasons for those choices you'll be able to think much more positively. But don't gloss over your unhappiness so as not to upset the balance, you both deserve to be happy and being able to communicate better will help you both understand what each other wants.

I know you don't know me, and I am not a counsellor, but this is the advice I'd give to my best friend if she found herself in the same situation. I really hope it helps you find a solution. x

richardvc

sunshine_shell wrote: »

Richardvc seems to think i'm this spoilt brat who wants it all to be about me me me me me and i'm nothing like that.

Richardvc thinks nothing of the sort because if he thought that he wouldn't post on here trying to help you and wishing you luck in the future.

I was just trying to put across a male perspective about weddings having had experience of them.

He is most probably really looking forward to marrying you but is nervous about the ceremony, putting on a show, being the centre of attention, making a speech and possibly the expense.

If I was going to get married again all I would want is the quietest of 'dos' bacause the act of getting married is nowhere near as important as the reasoning behind it.