Am I being hard done by? Warning Rant Ahead

Person_one

Wow wrote: »

Its a changing world. You will end up paying for them.

Er, I always had to pay my own car insurance! Think I'll have words with my mum, I was clearly neglected. Having said that I've never paid more than £300 for a car, helps keep the insurance costs down.

blue_monkey_2

Wow wrote: »

Its a changing world. You will end up paying for them.

Why do I know that is sooooo going to be true!!

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

[sighs with relief that she is known to sit with receipts counting out the value of Christmas presents to ensure parity to the penny]


It's free money. Don't knock it. If the mother were that toxic, they wouldn't have given the OP a penny. I suspect that, if I were to consider giving a lot of money to my DDs when they are older, only to be met with someone saying 'don't buy me anything, just give me cash' or 'but she's getting more than me!', I would be inclined to say 'well go without then'.

Had you not been so interested to find out how hard done by you were, you would have no idea that one sister is allegedly getting £7000 and another is getting roughly the same as you.

And you'd be happy that you received a windfall, rather than churning yourself up about how much more someone else is liked than you.

And this is said as the product of one of the totally toxic manipulators.

dktreesea

Parents don't treat their children equally, because they probably don't love them "equally", nor are loved by their children equally in return. Of course, as a parent, you are going to be closer to some children than to others. That's just chemistry. Relationships between parents and children shouldn't mean giving equal amounts, materially, to each child. Any parent who does that just feels guilty, because they don't love their children equally but want to hide the truth.

Do all the parents divvying up the pie so incredibly equally in material terms really think their children don't see through the subterfuge, don't actually realise who is loved the most and who is loved the least? Fiddlesticks. Sometimes you end up with parents, who, for whatever reason, don't have much love to give you, relative to that which they are offering others in the family. I realise this can hurt, but that's life.

My grandmother wanted to cut my mother out of her will altogether, for something that happened nearly 60 years before. My mum was four years older than her younger brother, and, according to my grandma, my mum used to bully him mercilessly. My mum is a bully, so I could believe it. I told my grandma at the time to do what she thought was right - justice before inheritance. Anyway time went by, my grandma did cut mum out, but then another uncle persuaded her to put mum back in. But she left her less than she left to her son. My mum was very hurt, but to me I think good on my grandma for what she did, and it serves my mother right.

My mum is jealous of how close my brother and I are because she wasn't close to her brother. She keeps trying to play us off over money, but I always say things like: "Surely you should be spending your money on yourself? Why do you value yourself so little that you would hoard it to your grave instead of giving yourself something you want?"

OP, your Mum is only 54. Maybe you should be asking her why she is spending money on her grown up "quite capable of earning their own money" children, instead of on herself? Not spending on you equally? Imho, she shouldn't be spending on any of you at all.

*Louise*

dktreesea wrote: »

Parents don't treat their children equally, because they probably don't love them "equally", nor are loved by their children equally in return. Of course, as a parent, you are going to be closer to some children than to others. That's just chemistry. Relationships between parents and children shouldn't mean giving equal amounts, materially, to each child. Any parent who does that just feels guilty, because they don't love their children equally but want to hide the truth.

Do all the parents divvying up the pie so incredibly equally in material terms really think their children don't see through the subterfuge, don't actually realise who is loved the most and who is loved the least? Fiddlesticks.

You What???

I give my children all the same because I DO love them all equally.


I'm pretty sure children who are 'loved less' than their siblings are fully aware of the situation. But giving them less materially is just confirming their suspicions and contributing to their feelings of rejection/resentment

freyasmum

Firstly, I would like to ask you to take a step back and re-read your post. It reads like it's been written by a child.

You are not being punished, you are being given a gift. Your sisters needs are different to your own and your mother obviously thinks she needs more help, I'm sure if you needed something she wouldn't just let you flounder.

Any inheritance is a gift and, as such, should be received gratefully; not with the receiver dictating the terms! Think how you would feel if, when on giving someone a birthday or christmas present, it was thrown back in your face and the recipient told you, you hadn't spent enough? It may be tough on you, but you really should feel lucky that you're getting anything at all.

And as for the last paragraph, I'm sorry but it's difficult not to feel sorry for your mum. So what if she's just had her third foreign holiday, redecorated and bought a new car? She's presumably worked for it and thus deserves not to be judged just because you feel she should be giving you more. She didn't spend her time working and raising a family just to spend all her time being miserable, not being able to go on holiday just because you feel hard done by and feel you should be given more and it's not HER fault your children are wearing clothes from Primark! Btw, there's nothing wrong with clothes from Primark, particularly as children grow and wear them out so fast.

So, advice before you start yelling? Take a step back and grow up

blue_monkey wrote: »

I have a dad like your mum snuggle. I do not think people would understand if they did not live with it. There are 4 of us and dad only speaks to the 2 that he thinks he can 'boast' about doing well (good jobs, living in a 'nice' house etc...).

My dad (and the rest of his family) is like that. I've found the best way is either to ignore him or to be as sickly sweet as possible. It winds him up no end :A

p.s. you're costing me a bloody fortune . I've been on the Freya (didn't know about the brand when I named my DD, btw ) website and want everything :rotfl: Going to be properly fitted tomorrow. /randomness

blue_monkey_2

freyasmum wrote: »

My dad (and the rest of his family) is like that. I've found the best way is either to ignore him or to be as sickly sweet as possible. It winds him up no end :A

p.s. you're costing me a bloody fortune . I've been on the Freya (didn't know about the brand when I named my DD, btw ) website and want everything :rotfl: Going to be properly fitted tomorrow. /randomness

LOL, glad it is not just me then.

And PS. Ha ha!! Good girl, finally someone doing as they are told, please PM and let me know what size you have gone from and too. It'll be nice to know I've got one person in the right bra this week.

PPS. If you cannot find what you are looking for from that site PM me as some are not released yet and I can give you more info.

top_drawer_2

snugglepet20 wrote: »

My Grandad was not a nice man and we were not allowed any contact with him so I am not upset that he died as I would be if I had a nice Grandad that died but thank you to the people who expressed sympathy anyway.

I don't really feel that I am coming second best to my sister it is Mum that makes me angry. She treats everyone differently according to her whims and it seems that all the children should get the same amount to make it fair (there are 4 of us but I don't know what the others got). She does it with everything and it constantly causes problems i.e she paid my brothers housing and tuition fees for 4 years even though he never even passed the first year of uni but my other sister who is in the 3rd year has had to pay for hers herself.

She also offers things and then takes it away again leaving you feeling worse than if you had never been offered anything in the first place. It is as though she wants to have all the children in constant rivalry and tension and that is really my issue not the money, I would have been fine if nothing had been offered to me at all.

Wow do we share a parent? My Mum is exactly the same, I have finally come to my senses and am now allied with both of my sisters.... and they with me (one to a greater extent than the other but she has allowance since she has to live with her!).

What will you get out of ringing her and yelling at her? Will she change her decision? I doubt it to be honest as she knows what she has done and is waiting for a reaction (past experience speaking here :mad:)

Have you thought about what it is your Mother gets out of you kids arguing? For me it means she can moan and complain about the others, she can demand each of us runs round after her and tells us that I am the only one who she sees/ever helps her out (implying my sisters are lazy and useless). As it is at the moment I am the "favourite", for now but that could change at a moments notice. Last time I was home she told everyone how well I was doing and how well I am looking etc .... its a first!

If you can manage it then kill her with kindness .... tell her and everyone else how grateful you are and remember who will be choosing the old peoples home in the future!

Jen

becs

Oh my god! Grow up! You wouldn't have been happy if your mother had given your sister £5k and you £4,999.99! Life isn't fair and if you hadn't worked that out by now you're going to be bitterly disappointed in life. It seems to me by your mother offering to buy you a conservatory she wanted to buy something that you would really like/need, is it not the same for your sister? She obviously didn't want to just give either of you the money and the things she wanted to give your sister happened to be more than the money she is offering you now (At least it is if your guesswork is correct! ).
My mother is exactly the same with my brother, he's been baled out on numerous occassions, been given a highly paid job in family business, then given £100k when he left the business as he felt he was entitled to a 1/3 of it's value! Meanwhilst I go and get a good job, stand on my own two feet and haven't had anything like that amount from parents. They've helped me out financially in the past when I have needed it but £1-2k at most.
To me family is more important than any amount of money and I'm not going to let £100k spoil a relationship with my brother or my parents and yet you want to cause all this fuss over £1k! By the way I'm not sure I would even want to accept the money let alone ask for more if it has come from someone I didn't even like!

Steel_2

When we were first married, my parents gave us £10k as my 'dowry'. My grandfather had died a few years before and left them a property which they sold and have been living off the money so they could take an early retirement.

Up until the money was offered, I had no clue about this 'dowry' idea of theirs. It was never mentioned. Then I found out my sister had been given £10k when she got married about 15 years before and sworn to secrecy. I was in shock when they handed it over.

Why?

At the time my sister was given the money I was paying for myself through university by holding down crappy jobs, some that didn't knock off until 2am, and struggled to pay my student debts back for years after. Some nights I hadn't the money to pay for our subsidised taxis home from work (only £1) and I WALKED 2.5 miles back home in the middle of the night.

My parents stood by and watched. My parents were clear - had I never married I would not have been given the money.

Roll on 4 years or so and now they're offering me money behind my sister's back to have my driveway done. But ssshhh!! secret squirrel about the whole thing.

I told them - politely - to get stuffed, which is what I should have done, but didn't, with the £10k. I should have put up with the sh*tty double glazing I had and just worked harder to earn the money I needed.

You know what OP? Surprise your mother. Knock it back in her face and say no thanks.

Or take it and put it into a special account for your children when they are older ready to share it equally between them. Turn her silly favouritism into something good and fair for your kids.