Am I being hard done by? Warning Rant Ahead

Indout96

when such blatant favouritism is shown

not sure where, She was offered £3,500 and THINKS sister may have got £4,500 If she had been given a conservatory I wonder how much her sister would have GUESSED it cost.

pigpen

it is unfair. but so is life.. maybe your mum thinks you irresponsible sister needs more because she lacks maturity.

my mother treats me very differently to my younger sisters.. that is life.

In your shoes i would probably have said oh dear £10k.. I'll save the other half and we can get it then if that's ok mum? .. or maybe 'thanks fo r your offer but coud we borrow the other half from you and i'l pay back £x a week/month?.. A bit of give and take is good.. your mum might realise you are not quite such the spoiled child she thought then.

Can I ask.. are you the oldest by any chance?

And I won't even walk through Primark let alone buy anything from there!

snugglepet20

blue_monkey wrote: »

OP said there were 4 siblings.

Correct these are two different sisters one is a hard working student, the other is unemployed.

xmaslolly76

Money always seems to cause arguments in families. i was brought up by my grandparents and my mother has always said that if they leave me anything she will bury them in porpers graves. obviously my grandparents didnt take a blind bit of notice and used to promise this and that in the end i got sick of playing piggy in the middle and told them that i dont want a penny off them to stop all the argueing. All i have asked for is a small keepsake of my grandmothers and one from my grandfather. I said if they feel they have to leave money then they should leave it in trust to my children to help them when they are starting out in life on their own.

aliasojo

pigpen wrote: »

And I won't even walk through Primark let alone buy anything from there!

Excellent idea, and so helpful. Don't miss out out an opportunity to show how someone else's choices are not good enough for you, will you. < Doesn't really help does it?

Sorry, this could sit in my 'unfair' category that I mentioned earlier.

Gingham_Ribbon

I'm sorry you're getting such a hounding on this thread, OP, and I'm glad to see a few people have understood your point.

When parents treat their children differently, it hurts. It doesn't need to be money. It could be choosing to visit the one and not the other, or remembering one's birthday and not the other, or helping one and not the other etc etc.

So this time it's money and maybe there have been other times too to make you feel this angry. It doesn't make you ANY of the things you've been accused of here.

That said, you can't change her but you can change your reaction to her. If this is an ongoing problem, keep the people who matter closer to you and let the ones who make you feel bad stay at arms' length.

Gingham_Ribbon

Also, when my grampa was dying he gave me his football bag. Inside it there was some money. He asked me to give it out evenly and that's what I did. The very notion that one would be favoured over another and the person who was given less should be grateful for whatever they were given makes me shudder. His parting wish was that he gave us what little he had. To entertain the idea that it should be split unevenly wouldn't have entered either of our heads. It was painful enough without that sort of nonsense.

Fuzzy_Duck

Person_one wrote: »

No, your mum isn't obliged to give you anything. But I completely agree that it leaves a bad taste when such blatant favouritism is shown. The desire to be loved and valued by your parents is so strong that slights like this make you feel rejected and second best.

My parents still spend exactly the same amount on me and my brother for Christmas and birthday presents, even getting little bits of chocolate and things to even it up if its a few pounds out and we're in our twenties!

Recently, he's had a few struggles through no fault of his own and my parents have stepped in to help him out. I don't begrudge it because he was in need and I know they'd do the same for me, but if they had randomly given him a large sum of money and me a lot less for no discernible reason I would be very confused and hurt.

Your family sounds very similar to mine. Every Christmas my parents will struggle to spend exactly the same amount of money on all of us (and we too are all in our twenties!) There's been a few occasions where a sibling in need has been given a lot of money, but my parents then make a point of offering the others some money to help out on a regular basis to try and make it fair.

I can understand going a bit overboard on your youngest when they are a tot (by accident I would hope, and not intentionally) but it simply isn't fair to dish out money and not give the same amount to each child, and I can understand why the OP is upset. It does seem the majority of replies she has received are quite harsh- imo this isn't about the money, it's about blatant favourism.

OP- is there a possibility your mum could have simply lost track of how much she spent on your sister? If that might be the case you could politely mention it to see how she responds. Otherwise I would leave it alone. I agree that she didn't have to share her money and it's too easy to look ungrateful by confronting her about it. In this case it's probably best to either save the money or do something nice with it, and be the better person by not making a fuss.

aliasojo

Fuzzy_Duck wrote: »

.......... but it simply isn't fair to dish out money and not give the same amount to each child.....

Just playing Devil's Advocate here but perhaps the Mum gives according to how she views need and doesn't feel it right to give 'just because a sibling got x amount'?

I've always been in the 'same for all' camp, but now my eldest two are adults, things have changed. My eldest has more needs than his brother for example. If I continue to give equal amounts at all times, the younger of the two will be laughing whilst the eldest will have a lot less. The younger one is not in need whilst the eldest is, so it doesn't sit well with me as a Mum that I give the youngest money which will just be used for fripperies that the eldest could use for his needs. (Just to clarify, the eldest is disabled and isn't able to work.)

I'm lucky in the respect that the youngest understands his brother's needs and doesn't feel less loved or unfairly dealt with because of it. I'm not sure how I would deal with this kind of situation if he did although I suspect I would feel he was being selfish and greedy if he was unhappy tbh.

I realise my situation is a little different but I do know other parents who use need rather than want as deciding factors. Only the OP will know if her Mum is trying to do right or not.

LJM

i am the eldest of 4 if we were left money i would be happy with any amount even if it meant an uneven split,i am in a solid relationship 2 small children and own our house (my choice) my siblings arnt in the same situation and are not so well off so if they were given more money it wouldnt bother me as i know any amount would be gratefully recieved. you may not have got on with your grandad but at the end of the day he died its not nice EVER when someone you know dies even if you didnt like them, you would never wish them gone well i wouldnt anyway.accept the money you are offered gratefully i would personally put it into trust for my children if it was me, yes a conservatory would be nice but not a nessesity my childrens future is more important. not everyone has an easy life and many are in your situation but your an adult dont let it get to you it isnt fair on your children. plus if you had a conservatory put up wouldnt that just be a constant reminder of someone you disliked/bad memories, at least saving it helps your family,