Am I being hard done by? Warning Rant Ahead

Person_one

Steel wrote: »

When we were first married, my parents gave us £10k as my 'dowry'. My grandfather had died a few years before and left them a property which they sold and have been living off the money so they could take an early retirement.

Up until the money was offered, I had no clue about this 'dowry' idea of theirs. It was never mentioned. Then I found out my sister had been given £10k when she got married about 15 years before and sworn to secrecy. I was in shock when they handed it over.

Why?

At the time my sister was given the money I was paying for myself through university by holding down crappy jobs, some that didn't knock off until 2am, and struggled to pay my student debts back for years after. Some nights I hadn't the money to pay for our subsidised taxis home from work (only £1) and I WALKED 2.5 miles back home in the middle of the night.

My parents stood by and watched. My parents were clear - had I never married I would not have been given the money.

You know what OP? Surprise your mother. Knock back in her face. Or take it and put it into a special account for your children when they are older ready to share it equally between them. Turn her silly favouritism into something good and fair for your kids.

Wow, what a sad story. Have you ever told your parents how you feel?

OrkneyStar

snugglepet20 wrote: »

Am I overreacting because at the moment I am furious. Advice please before I pick up the phone and start yelling!

Yes you are over-reacting.
Your mother does not have to give you anything, £3500 is a lot of money, be grateful!
I don't mean to be harsh but really, for your own sake, you need to take a different attitude. Your worth is not based on how much your mum gives you- don't let anything make you feel that way!
As for the person who made snide comments about Primark- well perhaps the OP is buying what she/OH can afford for her kids, without getting into debt, or bothering about fancy names ? How easy it is to pass judgement on one little aspect of someone's life.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Mind you, it cuts both ways - one of my brothers suddenly brought up out of the blue how unfair it was that I was given £1800 when I had lost my job and was facing eviction from my flat. I didn't even know she had told him.

I could have reacted angrily, telling him that she was also paying the mortgage for his wife and children that he had decided to walk out on because he had met someone else. (or that's what she had told me at least)

But I pointed out that she had let him move back home when he had nowhere else to go, whereas she was prepared to pay nearly two thousand pounds to make sure I didn't go anywhere near her.

He stopped shouting then.

perplexed.com

Sadly, if you suspect your mum favours your sister over you ,then could she ever give you enough money to make up for that?

smileypigface

From what I've read from the OP the main points that stand out to me are:

The issue that the OP's mother told her she giving her £5K - but has now changed that figure to a different figure.

The fact that the mother thrives on causing upset by setting her children against each other and feeding off the drama this creates.

The fact that other siblings have been told they are to receive/have received differing amounts.

I can understand how upsetting this is for the OP - and to be honest, if the OP is jogging along doing OK financially and her family isn't on the skids, if it were me I would withdraw completely from the situation and just politely and quietly decline the offer of the money. Just rise above it. And also decline from getting dragged into the drama any further by giving the mother an ear for any future rants about other family members.

Just my opinion. Good luck OP, however you decide to play it.

MrsE_2

top_drawer wrote: »

For me it means she can moan and complain about the others, she can demand each of us runs round after her and tells us that I am the only one who she sees/ever helps her out (implying my sisters are lazy and useless).

My mother tries that, but my mother only ever had one favourite in her life. She didn't give her more money she gave her everything (well virtually everything). Other sis & I got a few thousand, she got over 55K, then when she sold other property she got nearly every penny of that too!

But she backed the wrong horse & the daughter who got everything (& I don't mean just money) hardly wants to know now the cash is gone & its left to other sis & I to do everything.
We are a bit pee-ed off, spoilt sis has had the inheritance & not had to "earn" it.

Now she (mother) pretends she has three daughters & spoilt one is not doing her bit & disappointing to her. But if she started turning up now, mum would drop both of us like hot potato's:rotfl:
So she does try to play one off against the other, but other sis & I are immune to it & don't give a damn.

She lost the power to play that game when we finally wised up to her favouritism & stopped trying to win her love;)

paddy's_mum

I think it a pity that so many responders have failed to see past the obvious "greedy" and "be grateful" aspect of this thread.

The mother is knowingly and deliberately fomenting rivalry. For some inadequacy of her own, she gets a kick out of it.

It is uniquely painful to find yourself feeling that for some obscure or unfair reason you don't - and probably never did - quite measure up in the eyes of someone most of us expect to be able to feel loves you. Every single one of the £££'s in disparity between siblings feels like a droplet of acid in an open wound. However well-balanced you are as an individual, knowing or perceiving that you are less worthy becomes corrosive. It's the damaging effects of that - not 'greed' or anger - that the OP has to recognise and come to terms with.

None of this long thread is about money, per se. It would be just the same if it was how many camels a daughter might be sold for! It's the sense of being loved and valued as a person who has worth whose bedrock has been damaged by the favouritism, manipulation and game playing that is evident in the mother's actions.

OP - why not make the conscious effort to turn this round and instead of feeling aggrieved and threatened, recognise that your mother is to be pitied for her blatantly obvious character failings, rather than condemned for giving them free rein?

If anyone in the scenario, as given, deserves criticism I believe it to be the mother not the daughter. OP would have to be a saint not to feel wounded and angry and I don't think there are many of those to the acre in this day and age.

Smileypigface's post is exactly, to the last inch, how I would play it in the same circumstances and the last line of MrsE's post would be what I would be aiming for in the OP's position ... take the mother's power away from her and become immune to any more poisoned darts.

Less pounds maybe but more peace!

Frugalista

paddy's_mum wrote: »

It is uniquely painful to find yourself feeling that for some obscure or unfair reason you don't - and probably never did - quite measure up in the eyes of someone most of us expect to be able to feel loves you. Every single one of the £££'s in disparity between siblings feels like a droplet of acid in an open wound. However well-balanced you are as an individual, knowing or perceiving that you are less worthy becomes corrosive. It's the damaging effects of that - not 'greed' or anger - that the OP has to recognise and come to terms with.

None of this long thread is about money, per se. It would be just the same if it was how many camels a daughter might be sold for! It's the sense of being loved and valued as a person who has worth whose bedrock has been damaged by the favouritism, manipulation and game playing that is evident in the mother's actions.

What an excllent post paddy's mum :T.

This is exactly how my own mother makes me feel and seeing it written down like that makes so much sense. Sometimes I feel so stupid that, at 52 years old, I can be reduced to tears by my mothers' barbed comments and blatent favouritim .

You are so right - none of this thread is about the money .

dktreesea

*Louise* wrote: »

You What???

I give my children all the same because I DO love them all equally.


I'm pretty sure children who are 'loved less' than their siblings are fully aware of the situation. But giving them less materially is just confirming their suspicions and contributing to their feelings of rejection/resentment

That's from your side though, as a parent. It doesn't necessarily follow that the children see it that way. Children have different personalities. Some just need love more than others. I would say I try to give my children the same, but over time, not at the same time. So say one of my children needs a car, but can't afford it. So I buy that child a car. It doesn't mean I immediately give the same amount to all my other children. When they need something they would let me know. And in any event, they are not all equally well off.

And as you point out, it's "their" feelings of rejection/resentment. It's up to the children to deal with that. Like it or not, we love our children the way we do, and their perception of that love, both individually and in comparison to each other, is exactly that - their perception. I don't see how making equal material gifts to the others, every time we give one something, is going to change that.

One of my friends has two children, born ten years apart. The younger one, now in her teens, had an issue with her parents because her older sister has had their love for ten years longer than she has, so therefore the younger one feels she should get more, to make up for the "ten years she has lost". The mother professes to love both daughters equally, and in her heart she probably does, but the reality is she is heaps closer to the older one than the younger one. Is this so surprising, given that the older one is now herself a mum, with two children? Plus she's had ten years of her mum all to herself. Anyway, this was doing my friend's head in, (the younger one is my daughter's friend). My girl is our first born, and one day she was telling her friend "You're so lucky, being the youngest, instead of the oldest. Never having to change a nappy - it must be great. Not to mention an older sister to go shopping with." Her friend replied that she had "never thought of it that way".

I'm sorry that girl feels she has lost out compared to her older sister, but my daughter is right, imho - in some ways that girl has had a better life than her older sister, free of responsibility.

MissTingle

I know how you feel My great Aunt and Uncle are quite well off, and never had any children of their own, so have always treated us all (6 of us) like Grandchildren, except with regards to money - some got more than others. And when I was younger this was a sore point, and I always felt like they were playing 'favouritism'. Recently, I had a discussion with them (not directly about topic) in which they said how me and my sister Sarah were the 'responsible' ones and have always managed to stand on our own two feet (the other 4 have needed bailing out quite a lot) and now, being older and wiser , I can appreciate that we received 'less money' because our Aunt and Uncle respected our independence. And in a way not having them to 'bail us out' so to speak I have learnt to become independent.

A friend of mine, who is 29, and still gets their mobile phone bill paid for by his father, once commented that if his dad decided to stop paying for his bill he would still be entitled to another 3 years worth until he reached the age the his older brother is now so that their dad had paid for each phone bill the same. I was appalled by this comment (this is slightly off topic but it just reminded of it!)