Need support and advice - OH in trouble...

cantcope

CFC wrote:

As for gambling addiction being an illness, for some gamblers it's an illness, and for some it's just an example of their total self centredness, selfishness and arrogance in believing that they are the genius who is going to outsmart everyone else. You can call that an illness if you like. Only their nearest and dearest know which category an individual falls into.

Hmmm harsh words from someone who hasnt been there. Maybe i would think the same though.

I'm a recovering gambling addict and have been told its an illness. I wasnt self centred, selfish, arrogant, never lied, cheated, stole.... i lost my own money (and the banks) kept all the worry and stress to myself, until i got to breaking point where i knew if i didnt tell someone i'd do something very very stupid

Is that an illness? or just stupidity? or self torture?

hobo28

KK, I really admire the fact you are standing by your husband. In this day and age it is rare and I hope your OH truly understands how lucky he is to have found you. If it were me, I'd have booted him out long ago.

Your situation reminds me of what my mum & dad went through years ago. Of course there was no internet casino's in their day, only real ones.

That didn't stop my dad from repeatedly gambling and getting himself into trouble. My mum paid off the debts twice that I know of. The third time, after he'd ran off to avoid the loansharks, my mum divorced him. Even then she paid off half the debts. The last time, he owed over £25k and to anyone/everyone. That was over 15 years ago too!

The point I'm trying to make is that gambling is a long term addiction, very easy to fall off the wagon like with alcohol. Keep your eye on him.

Personally I think that the fact my mum paid off the debts several times before allowed my father to grow complacent. He never "lost" anything until the last time. I think that was his real wake up call when he lost his wife & kids and split the family up. My world collapsed in an afternoon after that one phone call from the loansharks.

Even now I wonder how our lives may have turned out if my silly b*****d of a father hadn't gambled away so much money. What opportunities my sister and I may have had etc.

I hope you both get through it. Everyone deserves a second chance but for goodness sakes walk, no RUN if he EVER so much as looks like he's falling into old habits again.

Pobby

I am also a recovering compulsive gambler.Thankfully I have gone 7 years without gambling,with a couple of tiny falls from the wagon but nothing like I used to be.Now I am able to completly walk away from any form of gambling.In a way I was lucky that I had a big shock in my life and the remorse I felt was huge and that was a turning point.I realise that I am a very addictive person{still smoke too much and still like a good few beers } but I feel much more in control.

There is a great website that has a chatroom for compulsive gamblers http://www.sfcghub.com/

I really can`t say enough about it.Visited by loverly,non judgemental people who are in support of each other.It is based in the USA so there are some differences in time but I have derived a lot from this site.Might be worth a look.

cantcope

Thanks for the link pobby. Will get on there tonight

awaytogoyet

What honest posts, Katskorner & Hubby. I really admire your resolve & comittment to each other & wish you every future hapiness - I am sure you will get through this together & come out the other side stronger as a result.

This is usually such a tolerant and non-judgemental Forum, but some have been quick to condemn your hubby & even to suggest 'dumping' him. I judge people by one criteria alone - is their heart in the right place? I think his is! And as Ben & others have suggested, there are things in life so much more important than money - love, committment, loyalty, family life - IMO they should be preserved at all cost.

I also don't buy this 'once a gambler, always a gambler' label.
Internet gambling is a very different animal. It seems to bear no relation to actually parting with 'real' money. It can suck in the unsuspecting, hook them and change their lives in a very short space of time. As your hubby says, you think you can beat the system, look like you might & thereafter you're simply (& frantically) trying to get your money back. People are very reluctant to draw a line under it & walk away, having already lost more than they can afford to - which is, of course, exactly what you must do or the debt simply increases. I don't think he has been deceitful even - just trying to protect his family actually & trying desperately to get the money back before it affects anyone. The reality is that this doesn't happen & then total panic sets in. It is a lonely and desperately agonising situation that the Internet gambler then finds themselves in.
Now that he has faced the facts - harsh as they are, shared the problem with you and others & embarked upon a structured plan to get out of debt - I think there's every likelihood (with your support) that he will never do it again. He probably hasn't even enjoyed it for months now. He'll feel liberated!
For God's sake, we all make mistakes - no-one is perfect!
If you can support each other, you'll get through it and both you and your love for each other will be stronger than ever.
My thoughts are with you x

domesticgoddess

well done

my oh has just dropped his bombshell and is was double yours plus no gambling

katskorner

Update: Today we cleared the loan and now we *only* have £4600 odd outstanding on a credit card but as that is still at 0% there is no sense in paying it off.

Then once that is gone we have to repay the extra £13K on the mortgage (as quick as is humanly possible) and then it is done and dusted - at least financially - the whole 54K cleared. My bank account has been seriously hammered and I don't have much left at all - but thankfully the kids are still intact and they are now richer than me! Thant is the order of things though isn't it?

I am not saying that everything is OK now because NO I have not forgiven him - absolutely not. Not yet. That is going to take immeasurable time. And if I manage it - I shall NEVER ever forget. Not ever.

Thanks once again to all for your continuing support.

Kat.

EagerLearner

Great news katskorner - at least it's in the open and more manageable now - if he is open with you and you are able to not judge him whilst he is trying to pick himself up, he may get strong enough to sort himself out with your support. Well done to you and best if luck to you both - just don't let it eat away at you forever otherwise it's just a slow release poison that will always be there.

katskorner

He hasn't gone near any gambling at all and is still attending GA. He actually looks forward to the meetings as he finds great support there.

Things are OK with us. I have had a few wobbles and probably will do so for a while but we are OK enough I guess.

I am very watchful for behaviour I don't like or consider unusual and I do open all the mail - he told me to do that as he says he has nothing to hide. Only he knows the truth on that. My trust will take a long time to regain.

We have had blips over talking about it as he feels really guilty and that makes him defensive. Not really suprising to be honest. I make him talk about stuff whether he likes it or not. We are coping. We have stuff to look forward to as it is our eldest's third birthday shortly and we are having a party for him at home on bonfire night. Then we are having our littly christened mid-November too so real family focus happening and the kids coming first as much as we can while we resolve stuff in the background.

I am not saying it is easy because it isn't but we can get there if we try hard enough ans can cope with the difficulties. After all, whatever happened, we are both human. We have feelings and opinions and goodness knows that makes it hard enough without the debt and the gambling but hey - I always did like a challenge.... maybe not on this scale but still..

katskorner

Quote removed on request



No I haven't. I am not sure that it would help me all that much. I have been invited to a GA session and I am likely to go soon once we can sort a babysitter for it. I understand the gambling side of it believe it or not - I can't go into too much explanatory detail here as it would be too much to type but I am pretty clued. The major differences as I see them are partly choice (however arguable), partly lack of control, partly lack of respect for money, partly being a touch crazy, partly other **** but for me it is never going to be and never has been an option. You work for what you have. It does not land in your lap. If it does then you do not respect it.Our boys will learn that early for their own sakes.