Need support and advice - OH in trouble...

katskorner

I know he is no longer gambling. He does not have any access to money now as everything comes directly through me. He is doing his utmost to earn what he can to pay back the debts and rebuild what we have lost.

I already have credit reports and intend to check every few months aswell. All finances are under tight control. The cards he had are in my possession now and we are in the process of reclaiming unfair interest charges. Once this is complete they will be cancelled and I will be checking for sure.

It is our relationship that is under pressure right now. Our cash flow can recover. OH is recovering and has not gambled since D-Day on 26th July.

moozie_2

Hello katskorner

I've just read your very moving thread. I sense your sadness over the last couple of messages you posted especially. It can't be easy to be you right now, with all this responsibility and lack of trust in your partner.

I hope you manage to rebuild your relationship not because of the kids but because that is what you and your partner want. I wish you the best of luck and sending you lots of respect for the dignified way in which you've handled this so far.

All the best.

chevalier

Whilst I haven't been in your position, as a young teenager, my gambling addicted brother broke into our family house, and took my mother's mum's jewellry and my albums. Though the lost was trivial, I had saved really hard for those albums, and to be honest even now I still haven't forgiven him, not for the theft, he is and was very ill, but for the hurt he caused me.

I really hope that you can focus on keeping your family together.

Having read through the thread did you ever consider, doing mystery shopping, internet surveys, click throughs on quidco etc, to earn some money from home?

the very best of luck, and don't let it spoil Christmas, otherwise the gambling has won
chev

thunderstruckruinedmylife

Hi All,
well three months down the line (nearly) and I'm still here. I still have my wonderful wife, my wonderful children and (most) of my sanity.
What don't I have?
Well about £50k of money and assets that we thought we had, (well I knew we didn't but unfortunately no-one else did).
A compulsive gambling addiction, yes it has gone. Thanks to the support from my wife, my family and GA especially that is history. I'd like to tell you about GA, but firstly I should sing the praises about my wife, despite everything she has in the most part stood with me, she has helped me sort out the financial mess I had put us in, she has chucked in ALL of her life savings to help me out. Other people (family) have helped, but none as much as her. There has been ups, and LOADS of downs, but she has been there the whole time. I thought I WAS a gambler, but even I would have twitched at the enormous gamble she has taken that I would sort myself out!
GA has been a relevation, I went into that first meeting a few months ago with trepidation, I expected to see a group of sad losers with nothing and no-one behind them. (just like me really!)
How wrong was I? Well lets put it this way, I now regard every member of that GA group as personal friends, almost without exception I like every single one of them, they have helped me and one day I hope to help them. Once you step through that door you are welcomed and listened to, and each of them have their own tragedy to tell. I felt humbled by some of their stories and how they had recovered, and sometimes how they hadn't.
Of course it is Gamblers ANONYMOUS, so I can't go any further.....but If you are a Gambler, and want to change, PLEASE go to a GA meeting, give it a week or two and see what you think, all I know is that it works for me.
To a certain extent I feel that I won't ever gamble again, not because of how my wife and family react, but because I would have to 'confess' to my GA group. This sounds weird, but i suppose it's because the people who love and rely on you (family etc) are more likely to forgive transgressions than a bunch of third parties.....but I won't and don't ever feel like testing this theory...

We (as a family) now have a much more open financial arrangement, insofar as ALL my salary now goes straight to the joint account. I do have access to a Credit card ( I need one for work expenses/hotels etc), but it is a joint credit card, so my OH has visibility of all my transactions/spending. I don't mind that, it helps in a lot of ways and IF I was ever tempted in the future I know that the OH would soon know. If I won or lost she would never forgive me, so if you can't WIN why bother!

My biggest battle now is my self worth, I've screwed up, and I know I have and I know loads of other people know I have, and that is something I have to fix.
I don't want to be remembered as a dad/husband/friend who was a lovely chap who had a 'problem' but as a dad/husband/friend who was a lovely chap who had a 'problem', but rose above it, and made amends and helped others to do the same..................practically a saint really:rotfl:

Thank you for all your comments/suggestions so far, I appreciate it, even the ones that said I should be cast aside and spurned........you may be right, fortunately my OH didn't thinks so..........so far that is!!

jla

good luck to you with not gambling. i really hope you are being truthful .
but please remember that 3 months is not a long time and that it is a problem that you will not get over ,just learn to cope with.
I have been to many ga meetings in the past (lingfield,orpington, southend,central london) and many others and please do not believe all that is said to you.(most people in this meetings are not being honest).
I really believe that if you want to stop just do it,by meeting a lot of people like yourself,you can get sucked in to other peoples mind games.
If ,the just stop route does not work, anyone should google gordon house association and get them selves on the waiting list.they do not let you go out on your own,lots of counselling,no access to money and really get to the route of your problem.
sorry to be a bit negative but after losing so much money myself i know every trick ect that gamblers use.
if you do not gamble for a long period of time,losing money is not the end of the world and things do get better.good luck anyway.

sarah_skint

This doen't just affect men, i am lady (or so i've been led to believe :rotfl:) and over the last year i have amased 54k of gambling debts, My sister when all the problems with our family started drinking - I started gambling. I know I am far from past this and yes some days are hard, very hard but I have learn't a new way of dealing with my problems and that is confiding in my other half, I love him more than anything and we have 4 children together. He was devastated when I told him but we are dealing with it.

Great Thread I will be back to see how you are getting on
Sarah

jla

sarah_skint wrote:

This doen't just affect men, i am lady (or so i've been led to believe :rotfl:) and over the last year i have amased 54k of gambling debts, My sister when all the problems with our family started drinking - I started gambling. I know I am far from past this and yes some days are hard, very hard but I have learn't a new way of dealing with my problems and that is confiding in my other half, I love him more than anything and we have 4 children together. He was devastated when I told him but we are dealing with it.

Great Thread I will be back to see how you are getting on
Sarah

good luck sarah

Compulsive_Gambler

jla wrote:

I tried all the help ga ect for many years but like 90% of the people their ,continued to gamble while making out they had stopped.

i feel the only and best way to really help someone is to try and get a place at gordon house in birmingham. it is a residential unit where you have no access to money ect,councelling for 6/9 months and if you want to stop ,you get some help.

Where does that first stat come from, its unproven and to be honest its a sad way to think of an organisation that helps thousends of people weekly/tens of thousends of people monthly and maybe if that was the attitude that you had going into the meeting then its probably why you didn't feel it worked.

jla wrote:

I have been to many ga meetings in the past (lingfield,orpington, southend,central london) and many others and please do not believe all that is said to you.(most people in this meetings are not being honest).
I really believe that if you want to stop just do it,by meeting a lot of people like yourself,you can get sucked in to other peoples mind games.

It sounds like you have an almost hatred for GA, and the whole premise of GA is based on honesty and if people could 'just stop' then why are there so many compulsive gamblers that get up each morning promising that today they won't gamble (on their own) and thus promptly go and gamble.

What i am trying to say is that whilst GA might not have worked for yourself there isn't any need to slate and create lies about it which might put of potential other compulsive gamblers from getting help. Just because you might not have been honest in the meeting, you might not have gotten the full experience and you might not have been 'open minded' (which by the way is a request when people go to the Gordon house which then makes me ask...why were you open minded then and not at GA)

I'm not trying to have a go at you because if you have fully stopped gambling for that time its amazing but then after reading only a snippet of your story it seems that you had completly hit rock bottom i just think your thinking in a negative way about people based on your own experience and that can lead to trouble.

donone2020

I could write a book and more about all things associated with gambling, families, relationships, victims, debt, anger, health, destruction, loss, etc, etc. I have been round the block many many times with this. I hope I don't sound like some sort of big head or authority, all I have is my experience and an opinion.

Now to the point - Compulsive gambling !!!!!! peoples lives up - nothing like stating the obvious, but even in the darkest moments there is always hope. The sad thing in this county, apart from 1 rehab unit (unless you want or have thousands to spend), GA is all that’s available in the UK to help problem gamblers. And by nature GA follows a philosophy of absolute abstinence - nothing wrong with that but there are parts of the recovery programme that can be very off putting and judgemental. Additionally because we are in the self help arena 'meetings' can vary enormously in content, approach and ultimately usefulness. Some are very good and some are very !!!!!! and its bad news for the person who enters a 'room' full of 'experts' - 'messiahs' and those whose practise its my way or the highway, as their first expoerience (very off putting indeed, particuarly for young people).

Individuals who have the courage to enter the world of the 12 step recovery programme, be it drink, drugs, gambling or any other 'addiction' are taking a brave step and the last thing they need is to be told how !!!!!! they are. They will have reached a point of crisis and a window of opportunity opens up for a short period of time - remember we are talking about a chronic relapsing human condition. Its not hard care that’s required its love, building up and boundary setting. A tall order indeed.

Now I'm rabbiting.................so I will really get to the point. GA and all the other A's have helped many people for the last 50 (in the UK) or so. It’s not for everyone, but it’s about all that’s on offer and ultimately it’s down to personal choice. If you have had a bad experience in one room then try another and remember the road is a rocky twisty one, like life - very rarely smooth. The initial highs turn into lows and it gets boring following the f...ing programme...but if a better balance, some acceptance, being less destructive and doing the right thing for self and others becomes a bit more of the norm then surely that is good news.

The bit I really like is - the saying "Just for today"

jla

Compulsive_Gambler wrote:

Where does that first stat come from, its unproven and to be honest its a sad way to think of an organisation that helps thousends of people weekly/tens of thousends of people monthly and maybe if that was the attitude that you had going into the meeting then its probably why you didn't feel it worked.



It sounds like you have an almost hatred for GA, and the whole premise of GA is based on honesty and if people could 'just stop' then why are there so many compulsive gamblers that get up each morning promising that today they won't gamble (on their own) and thus promptly go and gamble.

What i am trying to say is that whilst GA might not have worked for yourself there isn't any need to slate and create lies about it which might put of potential other compulsive gamblers from getting help. Just because you might not have been honest in the meeting, you might not have gotten the full experience and you might not have been 'open minded' (which by the way is a request when people go to the Gordon house which then makes me ask...why were you open minded then and not at GA)

I'm not trying to have a go at you because if you have fully stopped gambling for that time its amazing but then after reading only a snippet of your story it seems that you had completly hit rock bottom i just think your thinking in a negative way about people based on your own experience and that can lead to trouble.

compulsive gambler,i think i do my bit to try and help people.what would be worse would be to give more hope to gamblers and their familys than is correct.
thanks for your comments.my attitude when going into meetings was fine .i just think its strange we want to meet more gamblers when trying to stop.
i have no hatred for ga at all,in fact 1 in 20/200/2000 is 1 person who has been helped.
the figures come from gamcare in 1998 who asked 2000 people if ga had stopped them gambling.their are 10 questions and the anwsers are really shocking.Ask gordon house why they do not want residents to go to ga.
my point is really to try and give some advice to the lady whos husband gambled.if anyone in that position shows trust so quickly ,they could be in for some nasty shocks.
I would check everything ,computer history,and all the things the lady is doing,5 minutes late(why,ect}.
I now work with people who are arrested and have a gambling problem,i go to meet them in the cells ect .i have already been to 4 funerals this year from young people who could not cope with life.
the only help is ga,gordon house ,or just stop.
in my view ,most people when found out they are gambling,go to ga not to stop gambling but for loved ones to think they are trying to stop.
also,i think it is very hard to continue working at first when trying to stop,my advice would be to see your gp and get 4 weeks off work,just spend the time not gambling.not easy to do with bills,familly ect but worth it if you stop long term.

jerry