Need support and advice - OH in trouble...

katskorner

Hi all,

I had a huge bombshell dropped on me by my husband this morning. After another ultimatum with me wanting to know what was wrong with him, he told me he had done something stupid. It turns out he has been gambling in secret at internet casinos and he has managed to get in debt to the tune of £54,000. He has been trying to win back what he lost and it is out of control. Now I know he tells me he will not touch casinos again and has cancelled his account - well I forced him to. I have also made an appointment with the doc tomorrow to try and get him counselling.

I am very sensible with money and I even pass my child benefit payments directly to my two babies savings accounts for their future.

To say this has come as a shock is an understatement. I haven't thrown him out, as that will not solve anything. I have two babies (one 2 and a half, one 6 months) and I need to think of them.

I have some savings and if we wipe our savings out completely (including the kids savings accounts and mine which make up most of the available money) we can clear £41000 of this debt. However if I do that it leaves me with absolutely nothing and I can't risk that when I have to have a back-up for the kids and me. I also have to live and feed them!

Most of the debt is credit cards, some is a loan he took to pay the cards (I know, I have thought it too but there is no point saying anything). He has probably damaged his credit rating by having six cards and going over limits and paying late. So this affects his chances of getting any more cards with 0% to balance transfer to - although we don't know for certain that he can't.

No I need help to fix this mess. He is feeling relieved to have told me and I made him phone the CCCS - he has an appointment with them 11th August. I want to do stuff now - like clearing the highest interest bearing credit cards and finding 0% deals (credit rating permitting).

I want to help sort this out but I am struggling to get back serious resentment for his now having to use my hard earned savings and the kids savings because he was too stupid/addicted/whatever (I couldn't care less right now) to stop gambling.

Any feedback will be appreciated. Thanks.

oops_a_daisy

sorry cant offer any practical advice - hopefully somebody with more experience will be along soon but can offer big (((((((HUGS))))))) to you though.

GreyPilgrim

Don't know what to say. I can't begin to imagine how much of a bombshell that kind of sudden debt must be, especially when it's over something like gambling with nothing tangible to show for it. Jesus.

I'm sure others will be more constructive on their advice - I just wanted to say how sorry I am and how I feel for you. This must be an unbelievable strain on you.

Make sure your husband gets some serious professional help. Gambling is an addiction and like any other addiction, even the most fervent promises of "never doing it again" go out of the window as soon as the urge comes on. I'm not trying to be all doom and gloom - there is help and support out there as long as he acknowledges he has a problem and wants to put it right.

I hope it all goes ok.

wanna-be-mortgage-free_2

oops_a_daisy wrote:

sorry cant offer any practical advice - hopefully somebody with more experience will be along soon but can offer big (((((((HUGS))))))) to you though.

Yes I second that, big hugs to you and hopefully someone will be along soon to offer practical advice.

katskorner

Thanks to all of you. Your support is vital right now - it is undescribible how it feels. I have never been in debt in my life and now I am simply because I am married to my husband and his stupidity has caused this. My main concern is my kids and keeping a roof over their heads without clearing myself and them out in the process. Nightmare.

jobbingmusician

It's funny, but I came to this thread fresh from another one about gambling. He says he'll stop, but that doesn't necessarily mean he can - sounds like you could both do with some advice from Gamblers Anonymous.

My instinct would be to pay off as much as possible, and that's what you are aching to do, but you are SO sensible to think about it first. It would be helpful to us on this board to have some idea of your SOA, particularly incoming salary (ies) - £54k debt looks very different if you have only benefits coming in, if you have a salary of over £100k, and at various other points along that continuum.

Big hugs, by the way. It sounds as if you've got your head well screwed on, and if you can begin to get that head of yours round things, your relationship will survive - with any luck you'll be able to look back on this in a few years as a growth experience for both of you.

MCBIRNIE25

Hiya.
Totally understand over the savings and not wanting to use it all.
However, could you maybe use half to clear the debts with the highest APRs, making the repayment plans available to your hubby then more manageable?
There is also software you can download to your PC which ensures that he can never again log on to internet gambling sites, providing it is at hme he has been doing this.
At work right now, but will log back on later to offer more advice.

Regards,
Mike

GreyPilgrim

Kats, just reading over your thread again and :

"Now I know he tells me he will not touch casinos again and has cancelled his account - well I forced him to. I have also made an appointment with the doc tomorrow to try and get him counselling"

...caught my eye. It seems like you're driving this. Does you're other half see the light in getting help or is he only doing it under duress?

I don't mean to pry, I'm sure you know your family better than I do !. Its jus that I've never had a gambling problem but kind of equate it with the smoking thing....any attempts by my wife to get me stop (whether it was calmly, logically talking to me of the dangers, the nagging, the guilt trips) had the reverse effect on me and I just perceived them as interference, which wound me up and made me go and smoke in secret.

MrsTinks

I think firstly YOU need to decide if you have a relationship worth saving - we can't do that for you Your post seems to indicate that maybe not everything is great gamling and debt aside?
If you decide to stay with him (and please don't use the children as an excuse or reason - I grew up in a happy single parent environment and I think it is far healthier than a 2 parent home where there are arguments all the time) then professional councelling is a must. If you help him clear this debt then the cards need to be cut up, cancelled and dealt with. You need access and control to his accounts because as someone pointed out then this IS an addiction! Think of it as an adrenalin inducing activity and as we all know adrenalin is also a drug You need to view this as no different than an addiction to Heroin because if you go back and gamble "just the once" then you "know" that you can win it if you "just have one more go".

Sorry to sound very negative but this is the reality of the problem in my experience I have an addictive nature and I feel the pull towards blackjack tables and so on... Playing Piggy poker was a HUGE risk to me as I was itching after winning it to go bet money on it "after all I must be good to win a tournament with 70 something people"... but because I know I wouldn't be able to stop I didn't do it. But I stand on the brink of an abyss looking in if you know what I mean If I climb in just a little I know I'll loose my footing and fall...

I really do mean it about YOU getting him to agree to control his finances btw... Otherwise as you can see it's too easy to hide things like this. That includes maybe setting you access online to his credit reports so you can see if he takes out other cards without consulting you...

Huge hugs!!!

T

calleyw

That is a tad of bomb shell to drop at any time.

Firstly you have to understand that it is an addiction and your husband needs help. So you need to talk to gamblers anon

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org.uk/

Also you need to install some software that will not allow him to access gambling websites.

I know you want to clear the debts. But I don't think that using up all your savings and children savings is possibly a good idea. As they will need to be replaced at some time.

Maybe you could use some to give a breathing space so that you can get things sorted out.

At the moment you have resentment and trust issues. So you need to get those sorted out before you can embark on anything and make any decision.

His reaction was a typical gambler. They think they can gamble there way out. It does not work.

There is a hell a lot of work to do not just debt wise but with your relationship as well.

All the best.


Yours


Calley

cantcope

Just a passing note. There is a programme called GAMBLOCK which costs around £25 to download. It will stop all access to any casino/gambling site. It literally closes the window down.

I would advise installing it tonight. If your OH is serious about not wanting to gamble online anymore he will be willing to have it installed.

Sending big hugs. I dont know what you're going through but i do know what i put my parents through. (i am/WAS a compulsive online gambler)

GA run GamAnon meetings for partners/friends/parents. Or you could give GA a call. There are hundreds of people out there that are willing to just listen and offer advice.

There is also a site called GAMCARE which offers support for gamblers and people affected by gambling. Lots of helpline numbers on there for counselling and support