Need support and advice - OH in trouble...

katskorner

Right. I am getting a grip now and OH is feeling very bad and stressed and a lot more that he won't say because the sympathy is hard to show right now.

We have paid off one credit card today. So that is 51,500 to go. Wiped out his savings and started on mine. The aim is to add around 40K to the mortgage and pay off the rest with mine and the kids money. Then family will help with the mortgage. It will be hard and the trust has gone but right now I have to be practical. More deep breaths.....

Oh yeah - and he has put loads of stuff o sell on eBay and in the paper - Every penny counts now.

Plus I have some anti-gambling software.

katskorner

Will,

I haven't downloaded Gamblock no. I have been given some other anti-gambling software by a kind person along with licenses for my computers.

He has contacted GA and is going to a meeting tomorrow evening.

skylight

Don't use yours (or babes) savings to clear this debt.
No, no, no.

This is going to sound mean, but practical.

Look long term too. What *if* he doesn't get help? What *if* he does get help and relapses? There are thousands of whats ifs, (good and bad) and there are more bad possibilities than good possibilities.

I am not saying that he will delbieratly lie to you - he has an addiction and that is part of what addicts do - lie (and cheat and hide and steal).

But do not, give your hard earned cash away. I am not suggesting kick him out right now, but look long term. It may be a possibility in the future (that I know you will not think is possible right now) - but it too is a what *if* scenario.

Leave your cash where it is. Help him deal with his problem and the family income can help resolve the debts, and at the end of the day it may help him see the bigger picture when he sees how everyone is pulling together to help.

cantcope

Sending you both big hugs. Are you going to the GA meeting with him tomorrow? Is there a meeting there for partners? It might help you to go along to meet people in the same situation. I am sure they can offer YOU support and advice. It's all very well concentrating on the gambler but you need support and help too.

This might sound odd coming from me but i've seen what MY problem has done to my parents. They dont understand why i didnt tell them, how i could be so foolish.

Make sure you take the time to take care of yourself and your children.

Good luck for tomorrow. x

mort1768

i tell you what some of you are a hard crowd

hostie

Good luck it sounds like you will get through this fine. I think you should go to Gamblers Annonymous anyway. That will help you to stay focussed, perhaps look at the roots of how it took hold and help other gamblers.
Good luck.

ZTD

mort1768 wrote:

i tell you what some of you are a hard crowd

You don't break the hard rocks of problems with the soft caress of wishful thinking.

cantcope

Tough love is all very well when the person doesnt seem to be making an effort but we have to remember that the OP's hubby has admitted his failings and WANTS to get help. IMO tough love has no real place here unless he does it again.

kickingkay

i dont mean to be funny but are you on family tax? because with savings that high you lose some if your not then you must have a reasonably high income so im getting to my next point, now i dont know whether this has already been mentioned but if you have savings of 41 k i very much doubt any creditor will except reduced payments and if you go through the cccs they will prob say the same now im not saying this is set in stone but, if you use this money you could explain to all these companies you are no longer able to meet payments (thats if you are not) you want to make a reduced settlement offer based on the amouint of money you owe to whom and how much you have to work with, your children are very young the amount of money you will save on not making the repyments youwill be able to resave i know you might not want to but you could be spending the next 10 yr paying this off and having to live on a very tight budget and the stress would take its toll on you, you do however have a lump sum to throw at these debts,
you husband is ill he has an illness like myself if he needed a replacement kidney you wouldnt think twice about using the money, if he continues to gamble he will find a way whether this is paid off or not i just think you need to look at the bigger picture
im not judging or anything im just thinking aloud
i do think your husband should seek help but that help is in many ways i know lots go to GA i dont buts thats my own personnal choice i hadnt gambled for nearly a year however i did get complacent not long back but managed to keep on top of it, i dont feel the need to gamble again, but that goesnt meen i dont have a problem, i do but im dealing with it the way i feel comfortable,
he is lucky you want to help him but i do think that after a few months of being on a DMP you might start to resent each other
good luck investigate every availible option
klare x

ZTD

cantcope wrote:

Tough love is all very well when the person doesnt seem to be making an effort but we have to remember that the OP's hubby has admitted his failings and WANTS to get help. IMO tough love has no real place here unless he does it again.

If katskorner uses the entirity of her savings, and something goes wrong - not neccesarily he starts gambling again, but something major goes wrong - then they are out of chances.

If she holds some back - enough back - then they get another roll of the dice (if you pardon the expression).