Need support and advice - OH in trouble...

Prudent

Willsnarf1983 wrote:

I know there are people reading this now going...'what a !!!!!!, what an idiot, he should have just stopped, what a fool...etc etc etc'

well you should know that being compulsive (and when you are compulsive you lose all rational thinking) to anything is actually a mental illness and probably more destructive than most other diseases, no person should be looked upon as being a lesser person for admitting their problem.


Will

Anybody feeling that way would be very judgemental. We all have weakness. How much better if we tried to support each other.

Xbigman

I feel for you and your husband. This is a bad situation to be in.

Is your mortgage in joint names? Do you have separate bank accounts?
My initial reaction is not to pay off his debts with your savings. At this point you should have him default on everything and totally trash his credit rating. You don't want him having credit available. Work out a DMP for him and start paying. Get his wages paid into an account in your name only, he can have an allowance for an amount you both agree on (I know this sounds like your treating him like a kid but its the only way this will work. And its not dictatorial, you both agree to this and talk it over). Once he has defaulted and you get through the storm of default letters your debts will be with debt collectors. If in say 18 months time he is still clean you could start using your savings to do full and finals. This is the only way I can see to use your savings reasonably safely and get maximum value.

I don't know your personal financial situation but there are a couple of drawbacks. With that level of debt he must owe someone more than 5k. You can bet they will go for a charging order on your property and generally get heavy. Is your mortgage on any kind of fix or discount? If it is and his credit rating is stuffed you may find it hard to get another deal, so factor in increased mortgage costs.

If you post your fill SOA it would help. More for the overall picture than cutting expences at this point.
Regards



X

PS Apologies to your husband for talking about him in the third person if he reads this.

mort1768

Hi i read this and was looking at a mirror image of my life. I did the same to my wife she was eating her tea at the time how she didnt stab me i will never know, it would have been better than the hurt and tears i had caused her.
54K same as me not all gambling maybe 24k and the rest was a loan. Payplan are sorting it out i pay them £130 a month, debt free ? maybe not in my lifetime.
But things will get better i have an allowance of £40 a month from my oh she is entitled to treat me like a little kid i acted like one. I used the time i had spent playing poker to study for an exam that i passed so that might mean promotion and more pay further down the line.
And the wife ? well she still gets bitter from time to time but she doesnt look like she is going to stab me every day i am a very lucky man she should have kicked my !!!!!! out but she didnt and things are getting better but slowly

thunderstruckruinedmylife

Xbigman wrote:

I feel for you and your husband. This is a bad situation to be in.

Is your mortgage in joint names? Do you have separate bank accounts?
My initial reaction is not to pay off his debts with your savings. At this point you should have him default on everything and totally trash his credit rating. .

Hi Xbigman,
what does this gain? I've been an idiot, and I'll be an idiot for years to come, BUT one thing I have realised is my family is most important to me, I will be spending the next x years proving this...
One of the reasons I 'confessed' was that I did not want our credit rating to be completely destroyed, whilst I had gone over my credit allowance a few times, and been late with payments as well I have NEVER missed a payment, therefore we still probably have a reasonable credit score. I would like to stress that we have NEVER missed a mortgage payment and usually overpay, even though it may only been a few quid. I wanted to sort this problem out before it destroyed the credit 'goodness' that we have/had, we were due to have a mortgage review tomorrow and I knew I could not do that without sorting out my current issues.
I am still in the doghouse and may stay there indefinitely, but I would rather that then have the panic/worry every day that I have had recently. At least I feel I can now move forward.
Sure, if my OH decides not to help then I doubt I can avoid being screwed creditwise from now on, not that that is a major issue because if my OH does decide to help me then my major creditors will be the 'family firm' and who wants to owe them?
I have never felt as good/bad as I have done today for a long long time. I have just gone for a stroll to think things through and for once I have not broken out in a cold sweat, I reckon I will sleep tonight for the first time properly in months.
Don't get me wrong though, I do know that some of my stress has merely been transferred to my OH, I hate that, but I know she has been worried for months that my general demeanour has been for more 'serious' reasons, not that her !!!!!! of a OH has been dissolved in his own mire....things can only improve now

thunderstruckruinedmylife

Sorry screwed up, AGAIN!.
What I meant to say was that this the first time in many months where I have been up this late and have not been gambling.....got to be an improvement!!

mossstar

As an outsider it's so much clearer - so if it's any help at ALL here's my opinion.

You have an addiction problem, not a debt problem (well, you DO have a debt problem, but the first is the cause of the second, not the other way around!).

You have asked for help, and that's brilliant. But so far you haven't had any treatment or counselling, or even gone a particularly long time without gambling.

I can understand that you desperately desperately want this wiped (almost) clean so that you can start to build your life again... but for those of us reading this, it's pretty clear that the danger to your wife is that you could so easily 'slip up' 'fall off the wagon' etc. etc. and she'd no longer be in a strong position herself.

Your wife HAS to be strong here, and i'm afraid I agree that it's worth carrying the costs of these debts for some significant time until you are 'clean' (say six months to a year). It will cost you in the long run, sure, but nothing like another 54k which is the danger that I see right now.

I've worked, and loved, addicts. I'm not being judgemental, just realistic - it doesn't matter what you feel and how strongly you are convinced that you'll stop, i simply won't believe you until you prove it! and proving it means staying clean for years, not days!

Does that make sense? I'm not judging you, i have an addictive personality as well, and grew up with parents with depressive/compulsive behaviour so i totally understand!! but if this kind of behaviour isn't familiar to you in that way, then I strongly suggest that you find a support group now and ask them what they would have done if someone had cleared their gambling debts in on fell swoop, thus leaving them a clear and easy credit rating

Good luck to both of you. Can i just say how impressed I was to read of your savings - both the kids and yours kat!! amazing. I so, so hope you get through this together.

Steph

Xbigman

thunderstruckruinedmylife wrote:

Hi Xbigman,
what does this gain?

For you it gains very little. For your wife it gains the security of knowing you cannot get credit and do it again. Sorry to say but she should *not* trust you. It also would allow for full and finals at a later date when you have shown you can be responsible again. That would allow your wifes savings to be used to maximum effect.

If you have a mortgage revue coming up is it because you have a deal coming to an end? If it is you should keep your good credit history until you can get a new long term fix.

You nor your wife have commented on your other finances yet. If you have a high income and can pay all the credit cards etc, then your wife should simply leave you to get on with it. If you can't pay it all off without her help then the route I have outlined is a good option.

I know you personally see this as a drastic step and you consider that you have turned the corner, but just to put things in perspective. If I was your wife you would have arrived home tonight to find the locks changed. Anything she does short of that you should see as a let off. Sorry for the harsh way I put that. Its true though.
Regards



X

BertieMeldrew

Please accept my sympathy... and admiration at your sensible approach. Your OH needs help not chucking out so I hope you all get through it!

Please try and avoid taking the children's savings...

I really hope that those stupid members of our government who appear to be trying to make gambling compulsory read this! I fear that your experience is the very small tip of a very big iceberg!

Good luck...

cantcope

Hope you are both feeling a little better this morning.

If you decide to stand by your OH i wish you both the very best for the future. Things CAN get better but i really feel you need to put things in place so that this never happens again.

Good luck x

wanna-be-mortgage-free_2

Xbigman wrote:

For you it gains very little. For your wife it gains the security of knowing you cannot get credit and do it again. Sorry to say but she should *not* trust you. It also would allow for full and finals at a later date when you have shown you can be responsible again. That would allow your wifes savings to be used to maximum effect.

If you have a mortgage revue coming up is it because you have a deal coming to an end? If it is you should keep your good credit history until you can get a new long term fix.

You nor your wife have commented on your other finances yet. If you have a high income and can pay all the credit cards etc, then your wife should simply leave you to get on with it. If you can't pay it all off without her help then the route I have outlined is a good option.

I know you personally see this as a drastic step and you consider that you have turned the corner, but just to put things in perspective. If I was your wife you would have arrived home tonight to find the locks changed. Anything she does short of that you should see as a let off. Sorry for the harsh way I put that. Its true though.
Regards
X

I have to agree with Xbigman. I don't think your wife should pay off YOUR gambling debts at this time. You have been very brave in telling her which is a magnificent step however you have JUST told her and you haven't proved that you can stop the gambling. Gambling is an addiction and requires a lot of hard work and time to stop, she doesn't know if you can stop which is where the counselling comes in. If your wife pays your debts somewhere in the back of your mind it may seem that it was 'ok' to gamble such large amounts of money and may tigger the urge to go back and do the same thing. If I was your wife at this time I would not pay the debts thus making you take full and total responsibility for your actions. Yeah it'll be hard but how hard is it for your wife at the moment?

I'm sorry this is probably not what you wanted to hear :-(