Need support and advice - OH in trouble...

katskorner

If I decide to pay the debts - which if I don't then I could lose mine and the children's home - then I have to use the kids money too. In fact it is one of the things that will hurt you most OH. I WILL ALSO PERSONALLY ENSURE THAT THOSE INNOCENT LITTLE KIDDIES GET EVERY PENNY BACK PLUS INTEREST.

At least you haven't done anything to harm yourself so at least they still have their Daddy, whom they love very much.

I have no income being a stay at home mom so we rely on you. You don't bring home enough to pay these debts so I will have to help won't I? If I don't won't that destroy my credit score too simply by living at the same address? I can't lost my home.

wanna-be-mortgage-free_2

katskorner wrote:

If I decide to pay the debts - which if I don't then I could lose mine and the children's home - then I have to use the kids money too. In fact it is one of the things that will hurt you most OH. I WILL ALSO PERSONALLY ENSURE THAT THOSE INNOCENT LITTLE KIDDIES GET EVERY PENNY BACK PLUS INTEREST.

At least you haven't done anything to harm yourself so at least they still have their Daddy, whom they love very much.

I have no income being a stay at home mom so we rely on you. You don't bring home enough to pay these debts so I will have to help won't I? If I don't won't that destroy my credit score too simply by living at the same address? I can't lost my home.

Is there a compromise where you pay the higher interest rate ones and let your OH pay off the others via DMP with CCCS or similar where it wouldn't affect your credit score? Sorry I'm not that experienced to know the answer to this but surely someone else out there is If I were in your shoes I would not pay all of your OH's debt but that's me. I totally understand where you are coming from as I too have children and would not want them to suffer.

Big, big hugs to you. I really hope you get this sorted out. I can only imagine what you are going through. Remember we are here to support you in whatever way we can...

grey_lady

Hello, i dont often post on here, in fact hardly ever,
but i wanted to echo the warning of the other posters, just paying
off the debts wont work, the chance of huge debts being run up again are
very very high (almost certain) no matter how good the intention not to.

Katskorner you wont loose your home by coming to an arrangement and a re-payment plan, but help for the gambling problem should be a must before you even consider paying off any of this debt. In fact there's probably a free GA meeting near you both today, please find it and go.

8pnoodles

I wanted to say *hugs* to both of you. Kats you sound so hurt and angry and upset. I wish I knew what to say to take that away from you. But you also sound like you want to tackle this together as a team, and it sounds like you have a very strong marriage.

Definitely get in touch with a gambling addiction group for help. Then explore all the other options people have suggested before you decide once and for all what to do. Find out how you'd be affected if you didn't help pay off the debts for starters. I don't know if the citizen's advice beauru (can't spell sorry) would help you?

I am a bit scared to say this as I know this is all so new and raw to you still (please don't bite my head off!) but maybe consider this - I know you don't want to work part-time to cover is debts. But think of all the mums who do work in the evenings because their other half never could afford the luxury of only one of them working? I guess I am envious because I know full well that when myself and my other half have debts, I won't be able to afford to not work as our income isn't great and we both have debts to pay off (his much greater than mine). if he wasn't in debt we could afford for me to stay at home as his salary is large, but his debts take away half our income. So I really do have to pull my financial weight inthe relationship, although it is a scary concept for me.

I guess he could try and find extra part-time work on top of his ful time job instead?

I don't know, I honestly don't know what else to say.

bikerqueen

Hello

Not a gambling thing, but a year after we married I discovered my husband was lying about our financial situation to me so I know how you feel to some extent. Difference being that we had !!!!!! all to start with so I didnt face such decisions. Now 3 years on we're expecting our first baby and all debts are firmly under control. We have a budget and everything!

My fear would be that you would pay off the debts, he would gamble again, and you are left with nothing. I'm a mental health worker and every addict we see (reformed or not) has a falling off the wagon story to tell - how ilol you deal with that with nothing to fall back on? !!!!!! the credit rating for now...

xx

katskorner

I am so unsure what to do and I am not convinced by anything he says as that trust has gone and I am getting snapped at alot now I have said I don't know what to do about paying the debt off. The flippin CAB won't answer the phone....

dancingfairy

Don't make any rash decisions. Talk to the CAB first and a gambling group. I personally wouldn't pay off the debt but I understand that you don't want to loose your house or the kids to suffer. He has admitted he has a problem but he would have to prove to me (if I was you) that he truly had it under control before I would want to part with huge sums of money.

We will support you guys all we can and offer ways to cut back etc but at the end of the day you really need to speak to the experts.

Good Luck.

Prudent

katskorner wrote:

I am so unsure what to do and I am not convinced by anything he says as that trust has gone and I am getting snapped at alot now I have said I don't know what to do about paying the debt off. The flippin CAB won't answer the phone....

You should give yourself time. You are coming to terms with something that has been a major shock to you. Tell your hubby you need some time to get advise and reflect on it.

ZTD

This is my take on it. You are free to ignore all or any part of this.

The first thing is that this isn't a disaster. It's a problem - but you still have all your limbs and all the members of your family - so it's not a disaster. So don't get emotional about this - either of you - that's not going to help. Snapping and !!!!!ing are unhelpful. Do not think you can get away with being rude to one another because you know one another - during the initial days emotions will run high. It would be sad that she sticks with you despite a large debt, but then leaves you because you started calling each other unpleasant things.

The primary choice is who is going to pay? If it is not possible for thunderstruckruinedmylife to pay it all off, then there are going to have to be a few more steps taken.

On the assumption both of you will have to pay:

First the kids savings and any saving of thunderstruckruinedmylife are going to have to be transferred into katskorner's sole authority. This is your slush fund.

Secondly (KK), calculate what money you need to leave home with the kids and set up in a rented house - that includes the basics. I know you've pledged to stick by him, and I know he's pledged to never gamble again - and those two pledges are intimately linked - but this is your "get-out-of-jail-free" card. Add on a percentage. This is your emergency money. If you need to get out, then that's what it is for. If your car explodes, then buy a cheapy banger with it. Do not use it for anything other than a dire emergency. The rest goes into the slush fund.

Secondly katskorner - you are going to have to learn the fine art of credit card tarting . Borrow up to the sum of the slush fund. Every pound saved on interest will yield a saving of maybe £5 by the time the debt is paid off.

thunderstruckruinedmylife try to get a card with a low life-of-balance rate. Since you had your LBM before the creditors closed it, it should be possible. Do not transfer this into KK's name. KK should be given complete control of this.

3. Post an SOA on here. Nothing is sacrosanct. Every bit of spare money should be used to snowball.

4. When finally the 0% deals run out, pay off the credit cards with the slush fund. This will leave the balance of the debt. This will have to be paid off the hard way. Do not transfer this into KK's name.

Yes, the kids will suffer. The earlier they suffer, the less they will suffer (because of interest adding up). Also, they will better cope with it when they are younger, as it affects them more the more materialistic they get.

Am I being hard? Probably.

mossstar

I think the snapping is a bit of a warning sign actually!

Has he contacted ANYBODY or ANY organisation about getting help for his addiction? if the answer to that is 'no' then i'd be VERY wary and i'd be questioning where this is heading...

... I stick by my previous advice. Don't do ANYTHING with you and your kid's money until he's started to get treatment, and even then i'd wait a year or so.

I know this leaves you with practical issues re the house and everything. But I don't see why you would lose the house? can he not keep paying the mortgage and the minimum repayments while he's in treatment? Could you maybe pay off the highest interest one to bring them to a level where you CAN keep paying the mortgage and the others?

You need advice, and quickly!

!!!!{hugs}}}

x