Need support and advice - OH in trouble...

lynzpower

I do agree with Calley. Personally, cleaning out the savings accounts in this instance wouldnt rwally work in the same way. You need to be convinced that this will never happen again and cleaning out the savings accounts seems in this instance little different to my efforts at consolidation. A quick fix to get out of trouble. But gambling is a difficult one. Are you certain that it wont happen again. I agree wholly with Grey pilgrim, changing an addiction is not something that happens easily, and happens when the addicted have thier lightbulb moment and makes significant effort themselves.

Could he come here himself ? As he needs to be the one coming up with the solutions as well. there are many of us here battling with gambling problems, or shoping addictions and otherwise.

love
lynz
x

Pobby

Hugs to you.I also used to be a gambler for about 20 years.I had a very good business and I was able to pay myself a goodly income.After a number of years my business started to fail.Suddenly I had a lightbulb moment.Although my family never suffered directly from my gambling----I realised I couldn`t carry on.Next I felt very guilty about wasting so much cash.A mighty change took place ----I stopped gambling almost overnight.

I understood that I wasn`t playing to win,all that was happening was as I gambled,I felt no worry or anxiety.It was like a drug----like taking valium.My attitude has completly changed towards gambling now I understand my reasons for doing it.I do wish you and your family the best.

thunderstruckruinedmylife

Hi all,
I'm the husband in question, and I would like to try to explain what has happened and TRY to make people understand how destructive/stupid I've been. And hopefully prevent someone else making the mistakes I have made.

The vast majority, i.e 99% of my losses are down to one particular game on one particular website, my username will give you a clue.
The stupid thing is I KNOW that you can't win, I KNOW the percentages, yet I still thought I was cleverer than the average punter. How wrong I was....

This all started about 18 months ago, to lure you in the gambling websites give you all sorts of bonuses and incentives, the end result is the same, you will lose, it may take longer thats all.

Anyhow in them days if I lost £100 I was gutted and if I won £90 I was chuffed and I kept a log of my wins/losses so I could see how 'well' I was doing. Strangely I stopped doing that when I started to do not so well.

I remember one night when I was £3500 up, but managed to gamble it all until I was 'only' £700 up, and I honestly believe that was the turning point. From then on I was trapped.
I think of myself as fairly financially astute, not as good as my OH but pretty good and was impressed with myself when I started card tarting as it seemed like money for old rope, unfortunately that was to bite me back pretty soon....

I had always kept my cards 'clean' insofar as I always paid back the outstanding amount and never paid interest, but as the addiction took hold I started to lose control, and before I knew it I was transferring money from one account to another to clear them, I took out a £12000 personal loan from my bank to clear all the debts, and if I'd had any sense it would have ended there....
I have a lovely wife and two lovely kids but that was all forgotten as I determined to win back that £12000, after all I was much cleverer than most and it should just be a matter of chipping away at the losses until I reached equilibrium, it could all be forgotten then and I could get on with my life...

I was still thinking that nearly a year later as my debt spiralled over the £50k level. It then struck me that I wasn't going to get out of this mess alone, because of the constant worry and stress I was being off with my nearest and dearest, I was so distracted by the situation I was destroying something a lot more important than monetary security, I was spoiling my relationship with those who mattered most.

I would go on holiday and 'try' to enjoy myself but every 10mins the £50k debt would spring into my mind, I would worry how I could pay the minimum payment, whether I had any available credit on any of the other cards to 'save' the day, I would worry that when we returned from a break/holiday whether there was any ansaphone messages, or letters becuase I had overspent my limit again. I hated myself, and I hated myself some more...

I will NEVER gamble again, I will take counselling, and all the help I can get to make sure it never happens again, but I know deep down that gambling is in the past thank the heavens...

Today has been a good/bad day for me, I have confronted the demons that have beset me for the last 18 months, I am mortified that I have hurt those that matter so much to me. I have tears in my eyes as I type this, but I now can move on, in which direction is a bit up the air now, but at least my problem is known, no more flinching each time the phone rings, or the mail arrives......

Prudent

Massive hugs to you. You must still feel very numb with the shock too. I really related to the sentiments you expressed in your post. I was married to a gambler. He was a high earner, but we lived a poor lifestyle as gambling took away all the benefits of his high income. I knew he went to the bookies, but the revelation came for me when I went to the races with him and realised he was literally parting with fist fulls of £20 notes. I was just preparing to return to work (although I wanted to be a sahm) because I couldn't afford shoes for my child. The resentment really hit me. Eight years after that incident we separated and I found he earned 3 times more than he told me. £2,000 per month was unaccounted for and he was in debt. I think he is still a gambler - he lives in a tiny flat worth 40k and has a take home income of £3,600 per month. Gambling can be devastating.


Like you, I tried to use my savings to pay off his debts. It didn't work - he ran up more. I went out to work and paid for the things I wanted my daughter to have .. clothes, holidays etc. I furnished the house the best I could. But always resented and regretted the 'could have been' in our lives.

I can't add to the advice - it has been excellent, but I do empathise with you and wish you all the best.

Just seen your husband's post and admire his willingness to bring this out into the open. Good luck to you both. I hope you can move on from it ok. This board is great - lots of practical advise.

JenIttels

Well done for posting thunder and for admitting it to your OH. Hope you guys get things sorted.

susiesaver

I can't offer any advice I'm afraid, but I'm sure someone on here will be able to help. I just wanted to say well done for finding the courage to post on here and wish you and your lovely family all the best.

laughing_cow

Well, good luck to you both. Not sure what to advise you to do re clearing the debt, but please do go to GA and if you want to save your relationship, you might want to consider Relate. There's probably going to be a lot of anger and resentment in the coming months and relationship counselling might just get you through. I found Relate really helpful when my ex misbehaved big time (not gambling). We didn't manage to salvage our relationship, but I did at least get past the anger, so I don't now get the urge to bash his head against the wall every time I see him!

Good luck!

dancingfairy

I think thunderstruckruinedmylife is very brave to come on here aand admit he has a problem. A great start. However you will have to work hard to win your wifes trust back and work out how you will both cope. If you are ever tempted to gamble again remember how dreadful you feel and how much you have let yourself down. You can overcome this. You have a lovely wife by the sound of it who seems to be supporting you and a family, do it for them but do it for yourself to. They love you - enough of an incentive?

To Katscorner you need to sit down together and work out how to solve this problem - it's not just down to you - your husband needs to get help with his gambling and you need to work out how you both will solve the problem. I don't think using all your savings up thought is the best option. Perhaps one of the gambling charities will have some useful advice for you as the wife of a gambler and will be able to give you some helpful advice about how to proceed. I would take stock tonight and take some deep breaths and see if you can have a chat about things.

Good Luck both of you.

cantcope

the group for family run by GA is called Gamanon and lots of the meetings run alongside the GA meetings. details are on the GA website

i did propose the idea of having a sub board but i cant even look at it myself now as gamblock doesnt like the title and keeps closing my window down

katskorner

am still reading all this. keep it coming. too upset / emotional to type much. can't think right now. thanks.