Need support and advice - OH in trouble...

Pobby

Hello again.Glad things are alittle brighter for you.I have placed a link to a website which is called Safe Harbour.It is a site for people with gambling problems and you may find it quite inspiring.There is also a chat room,many of the people there have a similar story to tell but I think you would get encouragement and support.Right now,many of the folks who visit are from the USA but more people are coming all the time from around the world.Online gambling is a world wide problem,I think it is gathering people who would normally not gamble.My best to both of you.

http://www.sfcghub.com/cgsf1.html

studentgrant

Hi,

My OH is also is almost as much debt, although not from gambling, by using CC here, there and everywhere in between. Anyway, We have had lengthy talks with his father who gave some useful advice. Although his dad could have easily cleared the debt for my OH, he pointed out that this would not help, as my OH would still continue to spend and not learn from what he's done.

I totally sympathise with how you feel, I am at my wits end now and not sure what the future holds for us.

But, you seem to be focussed on what to do about payin the cc off, but please don't through away your babies future.......Your OH really needs to hit earth with a bum before he will realise the damahe he's caused.

Keep focussed and don't rush anything, get the advice first before payin his debt for him.

Good Luck

wanna-be-mortgage-free_2

katskorner wrote:

Hi.

UPDATE - things are gradually improving. We have now paid off around 11K of the 54K total and will pay another 8.5K on Thursday. Going to have to up the mortgage a bit (20K) but this will leave us debt free with the use of savings and family help so far and the CCCS input on our budget. Plus we haven't touched the kids money and I will still have a bit of money left at the end of it. So looking brighter than 3 weeks ago.

Thanks to all DFW's for your support!
Kat.

Hi Kat
How are you? I'm so glad that things are coming together for you. Just remember we are here for you when you need help and support.
All the best
wbmf

Mirtos

katskorner wrote:

Progress is going to be slow and I didn't sleep well again last night. Plus the baby woke me when I did sleep but that can't be helped!

One small credit card down and loads to go. Checked out the mortgage and should be able to consolidate onto that - but the replayments scare me somewhat. I don't work as I have the two babies to look after and childcare is so expensive (plus I want to bring my own kids up - that has always been the plan till the older one starts school anyway).Today is budget day to see how we stand with the monthly living. So far OH has not defaulted on any cards or the loan, plus he has still paid all of the household expenses and mortgage (including a small overpayment each month) - because if he hadn't I would have known about this ages ago. I have a fair amount of savings because I did work before my first baby and I was well paid then. But redundancy stopped me returning back.

Feeling a touch more positive today - Just need to deal with a few family discussions before taking things any further. Can't do that for a few days.

Hi, I've been following this thread with interest, and have a question - is the mortgage in joint names? If it is, then by consolidating, this is burdening YOU with HIS gambling debt. If he keeps gambling and can't keep up payments, then you will lose your home and YOU BOTH will be liable for any negative equity, and a rubbish credit score. Even if the mortgage is just in his name, then by consolidating, you still risk losing your home. PLEASE do not move unsecured loans in to your mortgage. This is a quick fix, as it doesn't tackle the root causes of the debt/gambling and just gives him the option to run up more debt. I know your OH may say he is going to stop gambling, but only time will tell if this is the case. To be honest, the easier you make it on him right now, the less likely he is to take responsibility for his actions in the long term. I'd make him deal with it on his own for at least the next year, keeping yours and the kids money seperate. As someone else has said, preserving your oh's good credit rating is counterproductive as it means he can get in to more debt to gamble. Ideally, you need him not to be given access to any credit until he has got over his addiction - and that's a question of years. If your OH is reluctant to lose his good credit rating by taking on a DMP or similar, ask yourself WHY? What on earth does he need more credit for other than gambling? With all those savings, you have a secure family emergency fund, so it isn't for that now is it?Whatever you decide, I think consolidating would be one of the worst options you could take!

katskorner

Hi all. Things are getting better now. We have cleared just over £24K of the debt now with £30K to go. We have extended the mortgage by another 13K, are waiting for some money from family to clear (about 9K) and I have £12K savings left so with those totals - all we need now is for the cheque to clear and the mortgage advance to arrive and then we can clear all the debt, be left with about 4K of my savings and have a slightly larger mortgage with the extra 13K that we can then focus on clearing.

Oh, and we haven't touched the kids £5K at all - excellent news that.

We are getting there - sticking together and growing stronger for it. OH enjoys the GA meetings as they provide support for him and I believe him about never doing it again - he has no access to credit now - everything comes through me. Plus he no longer has the desire as he realises that the kids and I are far too important to risk again.

Still have bad days when I think about it too much so I try not to. The only way is up.... - thanks all for you support once again.

shayshay

Hey greatnews! I know there are some who would say you are in the wrong but thats what being a couple is about highs and lows and you haven't touched the kids money which as they are so young if you can continue to save like that or invest in the right financial product by the time they are old enough to have the money your situation now will have no affect on them whatsoever.

cantcope

Really pleased to see things are getting a bit better for you.

Also glad to see OH is keeping up with the meetings. Things can only get better now he is not gambling. Well done to both of you x

Verbatim

Glad that the light at the end of the tunnel is visible.

Beany982

Hello,

I have recently had a similar 'shock'!! After thinking for a while that my hubby had been having an affair, I confronted him to be told that he'd lost his bonus through gambling (he was supposed to be using it to pay off our TV) and in order for me not to find out, had continued to gamble online (football) to try and get it back!! Anyway, he told me back in February that he had only lost the tv money £1400 (I believed him-why wouldn't I?) and we paid for the TV with our remaining savings. Not ever having to deal with 'addiction' before, I assumed that this was it, a silly & greedy mistake and all seemed ok.

Anyway, a couple of weeks ago, I came home to find my husband in tears with his bags packed - after a while, he confessed that his gambling was far more serious than I had thought and that he'd run up huge credit card debts (including a loan - which I knew about) his total debt was £63k!!!! As you can imagine, I was shocked and things suddenly became clear, the phone that was broken (which in truth had been cut off), the cash card with the 'swipe' that was worn - so hubby occasionally needed to use the joint account (when in truth he had no money as his salary was being swallowed up each month by his overdraft) I wonder how I could not have seen it? but Gamblers are deceitful & the lies soon take over their life!!

Anyway, things finally got too much for him and he confessed to me - he was in arrears with his cards & starting to get nasty letters!! I love my husband and really want to stand by him & help him through this but obviously we have some major issues to deal with and my trust has taken a serious hit!!! The money I see as a secondary issue & most importantly I want to ensure that my husband gets some help, although at the moment he is still adamant that he can walk away from the gambling!! In truth, he doesn't have any access now to any more funds but I've cancelled the internet at home and all his credit card statements, bank statements etc are currently being opened together & I go through them with him!! Its hard because I've gone from being his wife to babysitter but he knows I'm only doing it to help him in the long run.

He luckily has a well paid job and with my help, we have cleared the arrears he was in and brought his salary and OD back up-to-date. He is also now in the process of arranging a DMP with payplan (who have been wonderful) and all his creditors have been contacted & he's opened a new 'basic' bank account!! Things are still tough- but should be much easier financially for him & he now has a Debt free time of 8 years 1 month as well as reducing his monthly payments by about £400!!!

I really hope that you manage to get thing sorted! I'm not sure whether using your savings to pay of the debt is the best idea? You firstly need to decide whether you are willing to stand by your hubby? Can you really deal with the deceit & will you end up resenting him if you use the savings to help? On the other side – if I had the money to help my hubby out then I think I’d do it so good luck in whatever you decide to do!!

Thinking of you xxxx

going2die_rich

If he isn't married to you, can't you have him declare himself bankrupt? This is a sevre option but so is having to pay £50k. If he's married to you then obviously it's not worth it since your savings would be taken away too (so I believe, you'd need to look into it if you believe it's an option).

Someone's probably already mentioned it, but cut the internet off or password protect it, I know it's treating him like a child doing that but its so easy to come across a gambling website even when not looking for one. With such a debt I don't think you can chance him not thinking he can just win it back. You only need to look at this site, it's got sites where you can get links to "free" money to gamble with as long as you put some money in too.

If you own your home or bought it a few years back before the house prices jumped up you could pay some or all of the debt back through the equity in your home. This would be a lower interest rate than that of the one's he has on his credit cards, which will make it easier to pay off.

I dont know what your other half does for a living but if possible it might be time to tell him he needs to fix it by taking a second job. This is going to put a strain on your family but I know if it was me I'd want to do everything possible to fix it as quickly as possible. It will mean your children miss out in the short term but the longer term effects are so much greater that in my opinion it's worth the sacrifice.

No doubt your problems are going to last for a few years and you'll have peaks and troughs of how you are coping but I hope you work through it.

Try to plan well ahead for bills, birthdays, christmas and other expensive times of the year so you are prepared for it's costs and it never creeps up on you. As no doubt you will be close to going over the edge when starting to pay the moeny back but if you are prepared you will hopefully always be a few steps ahead.

No doubt you will have to change your lifestyle and I don't know whether you have done so or not already but it might be worth telling your immediate family and friends. I know your other half will feel embarrassed or ashamed and won't want this but it will mean you can lean on them without having to try and cover things up like why you can't afford to go away or do certain things.

If at any point you do feel like you are about to go under you might want to move your childrens money to maybe your parents accounts so that it's safe. You'd have to read up on this so that it is truely safe.

Take it a day at a time and I hope it works out for you