Need support and advice - OH in trouble...

lenny007

Gotta love these kind of posts.

Massive amounts of advice and help but sadly also a lot of people who've forgotten that life isn't just about debt, cash and the like. All the people on here stating "it's his debt" and recommending that the hubby sort it out himself seemingly have forgotten the "for richer, for poorer" part of the wedding ceremony.

The major problem for the two protagonists in this post is regaining lost trust - as has been mentioned, the cash is in effect irrelevant as it can (and will) be repaid rather quickly.

I'm saddened for all of the posters who seem to be suggesting the "i'm alright Jack" attitude and especially when it comes to husband and wife and even more especially when there are children involved.

There's more to life than being debt free you know.

Beany982

Hi ya, I'd just quickly like to add after the previous post that although I'm helping my hubby to try and sort his debt problem!! At no point have I forgotten my vows 'for richer for poorer'!! trust me, when someone you love manages to lie so severly to you, staying to deal with their actions is not an easy decision to make - I love my husband and have also not forgotten 'in sickness & in health' and lets be fair, gambling is an illness!! If my hubby came to me saying he was sick- I certainly wouldn't walk away from him & so of course I want to stick by him. Problem is, can you have a good marriage when so many lies have been told? At the moment I feel like his babysitter? Its a very hard position to be in and after only 2 years of marriage & only being 24, I found myself somewhere I hadn't planned to be!!

xx

katskorner

I am 32 with a nearly 7 month old and a nearly three year old - both very little boys who need BOTH their parents. I love my husband no matter what he has done - not saying I always like him mind you!!

Yes the cash will be dealt with and I am lucky that one of us is savvy enough to keep us in the position where we can sort the debt.

The trust - well it will take YEARS. But I believe him - I have to - if I didn't then I walk away from the marraige and I break up the family - somthing neither of us want and none of us deserve. Time to move forward. It isn't easy but it is possible.

lenny007

Thank you to both the above posters for re-affirming my faith in marriage!

Like i said initially, it's the trust element that is the main problem - how we deal with the lies is sometimes more difficult than how we deal with the debt.

Without blowing my own trumpet, i've been through the gambling debts problem myself and gotten through the other side - it is possible. Admittedly, most of it was pre-marriage but some wasn't and my wife knows all about it.

As has been posted previously, the biggest and easiest way to remove the option of gambling is to remove either the ability, time or method. With myself it was fruit machines (showing my age here!) and to stop i merely stopped bringing money to work, other than that for lunch or a newspaper. I knew that a couple of pounds wouldn't be enough to gamble so i didn't do it.

It was hard to be honest but eventually my desire to gamble just left me and i realised how much more i could be doing with my money. I shudder to think how much i've wasted over the last 10 years or so but i know that with the help of my family and some will power the next 10 years will be much better.

I'd like to offer big hugs to you both and hope you can get through this with the minimum of pain.

For those who posted advocating a "sort it yourselves" manner, then i feel sorry for anyone in your lives who may go through this situation - people need support (and a good rollocking!) and love (even though you may not like them for what they have done) not being cast adrift. Even if the individual concerned sorted out the problem themselves, what does it say about your relationships at the end of it?

esthomizzy

Congratulations on being so level headed. If my other half were to present me with a shock like that there would be murder done and I don't think I'm wholly kidding. I feel really angry and upset on your behalf.

Good luck with getting through this.

EagerLearner

lenny007 wrote:

Gotta love these kind of posts.

Massive amounts of advice and help but sadly also a lot of people who've forgotten that life isn't just about debt, cash and the like. All the people on here stating "it's his debt" and recommending that the hubby sort it out himself seemingly have forgotten the "for richer, for poorer" part of the wedding ceremony.

The major problem for the two protagonists in this post is regaining lost trust - as has been mentioned, the cash is in effect irrelevant as it can (and will) be repaid rather quickly.

I'm saddened for all of the posters who seem to be suggesting the "i'm alright Jack" attitude and especially when it comes to husband and wife and even more especially when there are children involved.

There's more to life than being debt free you know.

Lenny - you seem to be referring to my post - if so, you will note I wasn't married to my ex and he refused to get help so I had to walk away otherwise I would have lost all my savings amd been dragged down into his debt and blacklistings too.

I am now happily married and of course well aware of 'for richer or for poorer'.

I was simply advising the OP that she should be careful and consider options carefully to ensure a) she didn't lose all her carefully saved money and b) he understood that it was something he needed to take responsibility for, because if the person in debt doesn't get that message, they can easily fall back into debt again.

EagerLearner

Beany982 wrote:

Hi ya, I'd just quickly like to add after the previous post that although I'm helping my hubby to try and sort his debt problem!! At no point have I forgotten my vows 'for richer for poorer'!! trust me, when someone you love manages to lie so severly to you, staying to deal with their actions is not an easy decision to make - I love my husband and have also not forgotten 'in sickness & in health' and lets be fair, gambling is an illness!! If my hubby came to me saying he was sick- I certainly wouldn't walk away from him & so of course I want to stick by him. Problem is, can you have a good marriage when so many lies have been told? At the moment I feel like his babysitter? Its a very hard position to be in and after only 2 years of marriage & only being 24, I found myself somewhere I hadn't planned to be!!

xx

Well done for hanging in there Beany - he will greatly value your support and I'm sure he knows how this has affected things. Hopefully he can get help with his addiction - at 24 this is alot for you to handle and I can relate as I was 22 when my ex got seriously into debt - chin up and let us know how you are getting on.

CFC

Best of luck KK. But please do remember, it's easy for a person to say they will change, but hard for them to do so. Many gambling addicts never recover, or can't cope with a long term lack of trust and so the relationship breaks down, so please do make sure that your finances are not totally tied up with your husbands. Keep some money in the bank for you and the kids rather than pay everything off...that's not being hard, it's called Self Preservation, which is allowed no matter how much you love someone.

It's excellent that he's finally come to his senses and told you (possibly simply because he can't hide it any longer), but that's just the start of the journey, not the middle nor the end. I appreciate and understand it's really hard for him, but my sympathy for him is small and my sympathy for you is great.

seven-day-weekend

I'm so glad that you (OP and husband) are sorting out your problems, but I'm even more pleased that you are doing it TOGETHER. Your marriage will be stronger for it.

I agree with the above poster, "for richer, for poorer' is important , as are the other marriage vows 'in sickness and in health',...both these illustrating the partnership of marriage - you don't just clear out when the going gets tough.

Well done to both of you for working so hard at it..

We have had to deal with a major crisis in our own marriage, and dealing with it together made us even closer than we were before.

CFC

Hmm. I disagree with this groosh about, must stick together.

We're not talking 'for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health'....we're talking, 'for lying, for deception, in selfishness, arrogance and not giving a hoot about the family's welfare'. This is up on a par with an affair.

As for gambling addiction being an illness, for some gamblers it's an illness, and for some it's just an example of their total self centredness, selfishness and arrogance in believing that they are the genius who is going to outsmart everyone else. You can call that an illness if you like. Only their nearest and dearest know which category an individual falls into.

Personally, I'd have shown him the door without thinking twice. I think he's lucky that KK is not doing that, he has to swallow whatever she wants to dish out, and she's justified to take whatever action she wants to take. Best of luck to her whatever she chooses to do, she's a strong woman either way.