Need support and advice - OH in trouble...

SarahNeedle1872

Hi, I have just read ur entire thread, and wanted to say I think u are amazing! My OH had a bit of a dabble with the geegees before we got together, and part of my debt now was to help pay his debt... But he is under no illusion that it was a 'once only' gift.

U are living proof that 'for better or worse' still exists in our society. I think ur husband is a VERY lucky man, and I'm sure he knows it! I hope he is still on the wagon, I was very impressed that he came onto ur thread to say his piece, and I thought he was genuinely sorry for what he had done.

Well done to both of u for sticking together, when it could have been so easy to tell him where to go!
Lots of love to both of u

Sarah x

katskorner

So many of my friend have said they would have ended it. But I think that is wrong. I am the only one who an walk in my shoes. I have children to consider and I hope to have another too so I couldn't just walk away from this. It hasn't been easy. It will never be gone. I don't DO forgetting. But I have had to learn to forgive. Or else, what is the point in living life harder and bitterly because I couldn't?

thunderstruckruinedmylife

Hi, just thought I'd provide an update as well....
Since that black day in July 2006 when I came clean things have changed beyond all recognition.
I am no longer Gambling, I can say with my hand on my heart that I have not gambled a single pound, recently I even refused to enter the Works Grand National sweepstake, personally I have decided to eschew any form of gambling to be on the safe side, you never know what might happen! As we say in GA you are only a day away from your next bet....
I've go to GA every week, and try to never miss a meeting, I'm sure my OH feels at times that I don't NEED to go any more, however I still go for three reasons:
1) To make 100% sure I don't relapse, it's a weekly reminder of what I did, and when a new member joins and tells their tale, it reminds me of how I felt and how black things could be if I weaken.
2) To put a little back, I know that sounds a little pretentious, but I feel a little better everytime I'm able to help/support a member, when I started at GA I was in a black cloud of despair, it lifted almost immediately once I realised that the people I was telling my sorry tale to has experienced the same sort of troubles, to a greater or lesser extent, some of the members suffered a lot worse than me, some less.
3) The GA has been great, and I regard every member of our little group as personal friends now, so a bit of each meeting is a social event, to catch up and to chat. We even have the odd night out socialising (and no we don't go to the Dogs, or the Casino!).

On a more persoanl level I am no longer dreading the phone ringing, or the post dropping on the mat, at the start of our recovery my wife opened every letter addressed to me (with my blessing) to make sure nothing was remiss. I have noticed that she isn't so stringent now, but that is irrelevant as I have nothing to hide!

Relationship wise, we still have our ups and downs, but thats normal I guess, and I know that there isn't some black cloud coming towards us so I feel we both handle the downs better.
Financially has improved as well, and apart from the fact that out 'rainy day' fund has been somehat depleted by the storm that happened last July, we actually are a lot better with money now, and I know I am a lot more careful with what I spend, and my OH has turned into a real money spinner with all the 'opportunities' she uncovers from this site. In fact I was promoted last week, won't know how much extra I'll get until July 1st, but I know it will be 100% for US, not for 32Red or William Hill or Ladbrokes.....
We now have completely open SHARED financial arrangements which works well and we use MS Money religiously to keep a track of what we owe what we are about to owe.

I'd like to thank all the forumites who supported my OH through this difficult time, and the odd one who supported me (underservedly!) as well....

Finally, and heartfeltedly (sp??) I'd like to thank my OH for sticking with me, I know I'm a grumpy old moaner at times, but I do love you and the kids...things will continue to get steadily better, I promise....:T

Mrs_Dawn

I've just read this thread. I think you are both amazing. One for sticking together at the darkest hour and second for having the courage to stand together and work through it.
I wish you and your family all the best for now and the not so bleak future.
You are an inspiration to everybody.
:T :rotfl:

katskorner

I only just saw your reply thunderstruckruinedmylife.

I know all of what you say is true and it is especially pertinent considering the black cloud of depression I am trying to lift myself out of right now. I have found that I coped with all this for a while but I am not doing so well at the moment. Well you know that seeing as we talked about it last night. I hate having to worry about money. I have never been in a situation where I have had to before - and that is not down to being funded by anyone apart from earning it ourselves (just incase anyone thinks it is).

I am not sure what will happen over the next few months with us as things have been so hard lately - the kids are hard work but that isn't their fault. I just don't handle them well right now.

It feels like I will never recover. I don't feel like me anymore. I don't feel like anyone at all. I just feel useless. I didn't think this feeling would come back. I thought I had dealt with it. It shows it isn't as easy as you think.

ZTD

katskorner wrote: »

I only just saw your reply thunderstruckruinedmylife.

I know all of what you say is true and it is especially pertinent considering the black cloud of depression I am trying to lift myself out of right now. I have found that I coped with all this for a while but I am not doing so well at the moment. Well you know that seeing as we talked about it last night. I hate having to worry about money. I have never been in a situation where I have had to before - and that is not down to being funded by anyone apart from earning it ourselves (just incase anyone thinks it is).

I am not sure what will happen over the next few months with us as things have been so hard lately - the kids are hard work but that isn't their fault. I just don't handle them well right now.

It feels like I will never recover. I don't feel like me anymore. I don't feel like anyone at all. I just feel useless. I didn't think this feeling would come back. I thought I had dealt with it. It shows it isn't as easy as you think.

First of all :grouphug:.

You need to get yourself to the docs if you've been feeling down for a little while. Don't see it as a "giving in". You've done so very well, but it does look like it is taking its toll on you.

You can't be "invincible" all the time.

You will recover. This black cloud will lift, and you will feel the sunshine once more.

And "useless"? To be frank, don't talk crap woman! There's many people who'd give their eye-teeth to be as "useless" as that. You've been a very strong and determined lady, but you do need to recognise when you need a rest and when you need some help.

That time is now.

:grouphug:

katskorner

Another bad day. Woke up this morning to find that OH had left his car open all night and left stuff in it - guess what? Our Sat Nav and his mobile phone were stolen from our unlocked car. obviously can't claim on insurance. One thing after another or what? £300 of kit gone and no means to replace it. So much for making £80 at the car boot yesterday.

so what is next? can't wait to find out (pls note sarcasm as it can't be seen in the font..)

Brightness

Hi Katskorner,

I have read bits and bobs of your thread and want to offer you big hugs for being so very brave.

Secondly, I notice that you live in Worcestershire, so do I....

Not that long ago my hubbies car was broken into and his sat nav was taken too (along with a whole host of other stuff). Now this isn't unusual you might think and you might also wonder what I am getting at. Well, they left no marks on the car at all but I KNOW that the car was locked. My neighbours car was done over the same night and he knows his was locked too.

The reason I can be so sure is that because my hubs had been out for a drink in town with some works colleagues and had left his car home. I went to pick them up in my car and they were all eating kebabs - you can imagine the whiff in the car :~(.

Anyway, I opened all my windows and went in the house to get everyones car keys. I then locked all the cars up and checked the doors as well before doing my own - that's how I am so positive it was locked. My neighbour was also out at the same time locking his and his wifes cars up.....

The Policeman who I spoke to at a later date informed me that they can now get into any car without damaging it and if they want to they will - nice huh?

Two nights after our car was done, my friend in the next street was awoken to find someone sitting in her car - she knows she locked and alarmed it before going to bed. Her hubby was away and she is a bit nervous on her own so triple checks everything bless her.

Anyway, what I am getting at here is that even though it is upsetting and unnerving etc then please don't fall out with your hubs over it. He might just well have locked his car - if they'd have wanted to get in it they would :~(

Incidentally, if you have a upvc door don't leave your keys in it - they are now using strong magnets to turn the keys and open the doors. Yep, yet another neighbour was broken into this way.

They seem to pick on whole neighbourhoods at a time according to Worcester CID so warn as many of your neighbours as you can. The cheeky sods also opened our back gate, came round the back of the house, stole my son's bike to get away on and even locked the gate behind them *rolls eyes*. we couldn't claim on household insurnace either

katskorner

I will tell OH what you said and see if it makes him feel better. I am sure it will.

At present I have a whinging baby who won't eat anything because he has been poorly and isn't 100% yet, and a toddler who is currently trying to get my attention by clambering all over me asking for cuddles but says he won't eat any dinner - he is well enough. I know I should be grateful I have two lovely kids but..... Arrrgh!

Brightness

Oh bless you ((((hug)))) I can totally relate to the whinging baby thing - one of mine screamned 24/7 for the 1st 3 years of his life. Even now at age 21 he is an awkward sod LOL.

If the baby isn't eating and has been poorly then maybe some Abidec drops from the chemist might help (You can also get them on prescription from your GP and therefore free!). They are just vitamins and will help boost the baby up a bit.

If the older one won't eat then just leave him - I'm sure he won't starve LOL You sounds just like me - I once took one of mine to the doctor as he refused to eat anything except fish fingers and potato waffles and only at 5pm :O My GP thought it was hysterical and said to just play along with him as he'd get bored before I did - it was true he did LOL.

Sounds to me like you need to make hubby look after the kids tonight and then go and have a nice long soak in a bubbly bath with a good book and a treat for yourself (fizzy drink, wine, fruit, chocolate whatever you fancy!).