How much to give OH for rent bills etc?

seven-day-weekend

floss2 wrote: »

Snap - married when 20, DS1 at 22, DS2 at 24, divorced at 37
Engaged at 42, due to marry again at 46

No- not snap. I have never been divorced. I have been married to the same man I fell in love with at 21 for over 38 years.

Congratulations on your forthcoming nuptuals. I'm glad you have found happiness.

zcrat41

I've found this discussion really interesting. My boyf and I intend on getting married soon and but finances are a bit different as we're farmers so he already owns the house outright. I'll be giving up a full time well paid job to be a farmers wife so we'll be pooling everything. However, I've insisted that we both have little separate accounts. Not because I think we might split (I wouldn't marry him if I thought that) but because there's some things he doesn't need to know.

For example, my Dad (also a farmer) was complaining today that getting his hair cut at £5 a go 4 times a year was way to expensive. Mum was standing behind him giving me a look that said "if you dare tell him I spend £80 a month on a cut and a colour I'll kill you". Its her treat, she deserves it and they can afford it but Dad doesn't need to know that!

euronorris

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

See my comments in blue above.

I agree that it must be difficult if you have totally different attitudes to finances, in which case you come to an arrangement which is mutually agreeable. This may be having separate accounts.

The ex in question was from a relationship at quite a young age. Around 20-21 and we never lived together, so there was no point in pooling money at that point.

Again, it wasn't that I thought we would split, but you just never know what the future will hold. Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

Person_one

seven-day-weekend, you have been very very lucky and you have taken some risks which have paid off. I'm glad everything worked out for you but you are sounding a bit smug and as though people who have failed relationships are at fault for not being as truly in love as you!

seven-day-weekend

Person_one wrote: »

seven-day-weekend, you have been very very lucky and you have taken some risks which have paid off. I'm glad everything worked out for you but you are sounding a bit smug and as though people who have failed relationships are at fault for not being as truly in love as you!

This is the second time I have been accused of sounding smug. I'm sorry if just telling it as it is makes me sound that way. I certainly don't think I am any better than anyone else.

And yes, luck comes into it, but so does pulling in the same direction, wanting the same things from life, being prepared to get stuck in and work it out when times get tough, trusting each other, realising that no-one is perfect or superhuman, being prepared to forgive and above all being FRIENDS.

I'll say no more in this thread apart from it doesn't really matter how you sort your finances out as long as they are MUTUALLY agreeable.

Person_one

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

This is the second time I have been accused of sounding smug. I'm sorry if just telling it as it is makes me sound that way. I certainly don't think I am any better than anyone else.

And yes, luck comes into it, but so does pulling in the same direction, wanting the same things from life, being prepared to get stuck in and work it out when times get tough, trusting each other, realising that no-one is perfect or superhuman, being prepared to forgive and above all being FRIENDS.

I'll say no more in this thread apart from it doesn't really matter how you sort your finances out as long as they are MUTUALLY agreeable.

Sorry to go on, but I have to point out that these things will only help if they apply to both partners. You can be prepared to forgive and want to get stuck in and work it out until you're blue in the face but it won't save a relationship if the other person doesn't want to. And people can change, so picking wisely at 21 is really no guarantee that you'll be happy or FRIENDS at 35 or 50.

seven-day-weekend

Person_one wrote: »

Sorry to go on, but I have to point out that these things will only help if they apply to both partners. You can be prepared to forgive and want to get stuck in and work it out until you're blue in the face but it won't save a relationship if the other person doesn't want to. And people can change, so picking wisely at 21 is really no guarantee that you'll be happy or FRIENDS at 35 or 50.

I really must repond to this (although I said I wouldn't post any more) by saying, yes, of course both people must want it, that goes without saying and I have not said otherwise. I know in some ways I have been lucky but was just pointing out that it was not JUST due to luck that my marriage has lasted so long.

I certainly don't think I am any better than any other poster on here. And never mind me sounding 'smug', some posters here seem to think it is a crime to be happily married and say so.

Lotus-eater

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

This is the second time I have been accused of sounding smug. I'm sorry if just telling it as it is makes me sound that way. I certainly don't think I am any better than anyone else.

Ohh just feel smug, I do, my OH is brilliant with money* and I'm prepared to say.... I trust her even if we split up, no matter what the circumstances are.

Surely it's a dirty pleasure to come on here and say how much better our lives are than others, while gently stroking backs and saying, there, there. So yah boo sucks!
This thread was getting way too high minded.

* She's got a excellent pair of top bumps as well, sure, needs a bit of scaffolding these days, but don't we all?

seven-day-weekend

:rotfl::rotfl:Thanks Lotus-Eater, just what I needed!

Katie-Kat-Kins

The thing is it isn't just about trust and planning for the possibility of a split.

Even if you both remain happily married until the day one of you dies some separation of finances can be beneficial.

For a start how can I "treat" my husband to a surprise weekend away for his special birthday/our wedding anniversary if he checks the online banking for our joint account regularly and sees payments for flights/hotels? Is it a treat if it comes from joint money? I don't think so in fact if it comes from joint money it becomes slightly rude........

Secondly even if you live happily until death you have to consider what happens in the event of death. This isn't so much of an issue for the people with just one joint account who are married but for the unmarried and for those who just use one single account it can be a big problem.

Then what if something unlikely but awful happens? You OH becomes a gambling addict or develops a drug addiction or makes some bad business decisions? If you only have joint money you are at the mercy of someone who may be making bad decisions, and potentially at the mercy of debt collectors.

Worse what if your OH began developing dementia and lost the self control previously demonstrated with money?

What if the OH was involved in an accident and was brain damaged permanently changing their character and attitude to risk?

All things we hope won't happen, but sadly do, and sometimes people suffer financially as well as from the obvious emotional distress. Why not take the small step of having a separate pocket money account each to protect yourselves? It doesn't have to change your relationship at all, and it doen't mean you don't love each other. In fact I think that making sure your OH is safe and protected whatever happens is what you do when you are in love - you don't risk them being left high and dry. That is why DH has his own account and why I have life insurance to look after him if I die.