Anyone Child Free By Choice?

ariarnia

ninky wrote: »

do you think this is some sort of phobic reaction? i mean that seriously. it's one thing to not seek out the company of babies. it's another thing to say they make you cringe. there is no rational explanation for it.

They are very sticky and they do tend to leak...:(

Rev

Was happy to see the thread pop up, but having read a few pages (I know obviously only have a gist as I've not read the whole thread), it seems to be more a 'I don't like kids' thread, than a child free by choice thread.

I adore kids, my 3 year old cousin is a better conversationalist than most adults I know. He's much funnier too. That said, I generally can't be doing with teenagers, soon as puberty hits, kids tent to turn into annoying, demanding, stroppy whiny beings that I don't have the patience for. Before that I love them. I adore baby sitting but have to admit, the best part about it is taking them home and knowing I can go home and relax.

Thing that annoys me about not having kids, is all my friends who do seem to think I do want them, I just haven't realised it yet, and take every opportunity they can to tell me I should have them.

Nixer

I am unmarried and child free, both by choice. I didn't want kids at all until a few years ago, am now starting to think that I sort of might like one and that I probably ought to make my mind up soonish (I'm 36) but I suspect I won't end up doing it for a multitude of reasons, some of which are:
1) bad relationship with my own mother and fear of being exactly the same sort of parent (needy, angry, impatient, occasionally violent) towards my own as she was with me. I'm not needy or violent but I am still angry about my upbringing and I am not patient. I would really like to find a wise older woman who has had kids and has overcome crap parenting who could be my role model. No idea how I go about that though.

2) No support network Just me and himself, that's it.

These are the main 2 things stopping me. Others are:

3) Childcare - am main earner so it wouldn't make sense for me to give up work but don't like the idea of being full time and not sure about part time and all the paid childcare juggling. I know people sort of muddle through.

4) Too much on plate at the moment: elderly mother needs taking shopping and will probably need further care as she gets more decrepit.

5) Division of labour : in every couple I know who have kids, no matter how equally the household tasks were divided before the arrival of kids, after kids in every case the woman has ended up (unwillingly) doing a lot more than the man, even stuff like the man always expecting the woman to take time off work if the child is sick. The fact that it's happened in partnerships where the man previously did do his fair share worries me.

6) This is not enough in itself to stop me but I think I might feel that I had lost my identity a bit - a lot of people see mothers as just a mum, nothing more and some mothers even see themselves in this way. I realise that this is my problem and that I could probably deal with it.

7) General more selfish reasons: I still have some crazy ambitions that I couldn't fulfil if I had a child (and would be too old to once it had grown up), also we like to go on motorcycling holidays which would be out for a good while as would spontaneous weekends away. Also I'm tired a lot of the time now so I don't know how I would cope with a little un.

Incidentally I think that both women with and without kids get a raw deal from people who should be minding their own business, and I try not to slag off either - both camps have reasons for their choices and it's not reasonable to hector people about how they've chosen to live their life. If you've kids seems like everyone and his dog wants to tell you what you're doing wrong, if you've none you're selfish and child hating and blah. I am fortunate in that for me it's just in the media, nobody yet has personally nagged me about my decision (or lack of one).

Anyway enough rambling, I have a decision to make.

ninky_2

hi nixer - i identify with a lot of your thinking and situation. i'm a couple of year older than you now too. out of interest, why do you think you might want children? what is it about having them that appeals?

Treacly

ninky wrote: »

do you think this is some sort of phobic reaction? i mean that seriously. it's one thing to not seek out the company of babies. it's another thing to say they make you cringe. there is no rational explanation for it.

I can't bear the way they squirm. I don't like the noise, the smell, the incontinence, the implacable, amoral, unfocussed blue gaze. The animal-ness of the young human - that concentrated essence of demanding selfishness. Phobic? maybe. But it makes perfect sense to me.

myothercarisaferrari

very interesting thread:o a year ago I wanted to have kids with my ex (I suffered a miscarriage the year before that but never knew i was pg till it happened) and as a lot of my friends were getting married and having kids I wanted to as well:undecided total wrong reason.

Anyway fast forward a few months and my perspective has changed. I don't feel broody or maternal to kids or babies now and can't see them in my life. Things may change in the future.

I like being able to go on holidays with friends, take the dogs out for hours on end etc, so I am quite selfish. But I have been doin what everyone else wanted me to do for the last 6 years so its a breath of fresh air being able to what I want, when I want - somthing I wouldn't be able to do with a kid

geekgirl

Nixer wrote: »

I'm not needy or violent but I am still angry about my upbringing and I am not patient. I would really like to find a wise older woman who has had kids and has overcome crap parenting who could be my role model.

I am someone who has come through some crap, violent and rather indifferent parenting which has upset me and made me angry, still does at times. I have gone on to have 3 children (adults now) who are level headed, well adjusted nice people so it is possible. I used my parents bad areas of parenting as a guide of what not to do. :T

I am not offering to be a mentor or anything, sounds very responsible , but I do think that if you wrote this as a new thread you would get a lot of responses that would give you food for thought.

BubblyMumbles

One thing I find so frustrating is the sort of language that's been used towards CFBC people in this thread over the last couple of days.

Odd, phobic, misanthropy - why is it necessary to hurl such terms at CFBC people? It really is offensive and unfounded in my opinion.

becky_rtw

Me and OH were talking about this last night...

He says:
I dont really get the point of fishing and I dont really want to understand it, but for me if someone wants to go and sit on a riverbank for hours, I dont see how that impacts on my life enough to care about not understanding it. As long as they are enjoying themselves then that seems reason enough.'

This is how we both feel about being CFBC - it makes us happy and others dont have to understand or like it, merely have to accept that it does (and take our word for that) and go about their daily life.

The problem is all these people who dont understand, but feel the need to understand (for some unknown reason) and when they cant start using words and terms with negative connotations because it helps them place us in a nice box for them to file away...my suggestion would be for these people to give up understanding and accept that we choose this for own happiness and wellbeing. Just as others choose to have children to help achieve this.

ninky_2

BubblyMumbles wrote: »

One thing I find so frustrating is the sort of language that's been used towards CFBC people in this thread over the last couple of days.

Odd, phobic, misanthropy - why is it necessary to hurl such terms at CFBC people? It really is offensive and unfounded in my opinion.

but i'm child free by choice myself.
no one is saying CFBC people are phobic misanthropes. but they are capable of being - so are some people who choose to have children.