Anyone Child Free By Choice?

catkins

I have been married 30 years and chose not to have children. There were various reasons, I was the main wage earner and would have wanted to be a stay at home mum, we both felt that the world was already overpopulated, we wanted the freedom to travel and do what we liked and we both felt, rightly or wrongly, that children place such a strain on a relationship that we would rather not have any.

Over the years I have had loads of negative comments. People think nothing of just asking why I have no children (even people I barely know). I have been asked why I bothered getting married if I did not want children (according to those people you get married because you want children!), also been told that it was not a real marriage! Had a guy I was working with on the first day I met him tell me I was "not normal".

I have also had all the "you will regret it" comments along with "you will have no one to look after you when you are old" and "you will end up very lonely". One woman said "I hope your husband does not die before you because you will end up old and alone"! I am no longer amazed at how rude people can be.

In the past I have got annoyed but now I just ignore them. I can't be bothered to give the facts that some of the loneliest, least visited people in old persons homes are the ones with children. Your children can die before you, emigrate, fall out with you etc etc. Also having children so that there is someone to look after you if and when you get old is a pretty stupid and selfish reason to have any.

I have also been told by more people (men and women) than I can remember that if they could go back in time they would not have children. A lot of friends say they envy how happy me and my husband are and that they reckon it is because we are childfree. I must admit most of our friends are divorced and on second, third, even fourth marriages and most of them say a lot of the problems were caused by children.

We have never regretted not having children. We both love children and when they were younger, spent loads of time with our neices, even taking them away on holiday.

SandC

There was a thread on here a while back on a similar subject, the OP was wondering whether she should be feeling maternal at late twenties or not.

Anyway, the contributions were all fine but I had to stop posting when the inevitable happened. Something along the lines of what if my parents had chosen not to have children. At that point I realised that most people who have kids will give a token nod and tell you that they understand and respect you but ultimately think that you are weird and a child hater.



I'm child free by choice, like another poster never had a hankering for them but was prepared to have a turnaround change of mind at any point on meeting the love of my life, as often occurs. But I've never been in a relationship where it has entered my head and I can only think that would be the only reason my mind would be changed, being in love and wanting an extension of the two of us.

As for being lonely - tosh. We all have options and choices in life and depending on offspring for everything is not what I call living.

belfastgirl23

Sometimes I think that the people who challenge you most about not having kids are the ones with secret regrets. The people who really thought about it and in the end decided to have kids understand why some people might decide not to. It's the ones who went ahead and had kids without thinking about it who can't come to terms with the fact that there are people who don't have kids, it undermines them in some sort of way.

The other people I've found who challenge me about it are men whose wives do all of the hard graft of parenting. And I understand that, if you just get bathtime and a walk in the park at the weekend then why wouldn't you do it

I'm with George Clooney on this one, if you don't really want to do it then you shouldn't. Especially since once you have done it, nothing will be about what you want or need for a long time.

Gingernutmeg

OH has a son from his first marriage, but it's always been understood that neither of us want any more children so I suppose you could say we're child free by choice in our relationship (although of course we do a lot for OHs son). There's also the fact that unfortunatly OH has an heriditary condition in his family which would make having children a very difficult choice - unfortunately this was discovered after he had his son but having more children would mean having to find out things that it's probably best not knowing.

I've never been the maternal type - I love children and get on well with them but I've never been able to envisage myself as a parent. When you're growing up you just think that all that kind of stuff (marriage/children etc) just 'happens' but you reach a point where you realise that it isn't actually what you want and you can make a choice to live differently. I can't say I've ever had any pressure off anyone to have children but you do feel generally that you're looked on as a bit weird or cold because you're not desperate to have kids. However, I feel that being honest about not wanting children is better than having children just because it's expected. I've always felt that my particular branch of the family tree stops with me

One thing that does annoy me though is that employers can't ask about children etc. I totally get all of the reasons why they shouldn't and why they don't, but I do feel that as a 30-odd year old woman I'm looked on as a potential maternity liability rather than as a good bet for a long-term employee - you know that employers are considering that when you go for jobs. I'd rather they asked me outright. I'm all for maternity rights for women who choose to have kids, but I do feel it's affected those of us who don't want to choose that particular lifestyle.

venus1978

Gingernutmeg wrote: »

One thing that does annoy me though is that employers can't ask about children etc. I totally get all of the reasons why they shouldn't and why they don't, but I do feel that as a 30-odd year old woman I'm looked on as a potential maternity liability rather than as a good bet for a long-term employee - you know that employers are considering that when you go for jobs. I'd rather they asked me outright. I'm all for maternity rights for women who choose to have kids, but I do feel it's affected those of us who don't want to choose that particular lifestyle.

I work in a very male dominated field, and believe me the employers, they ask even when they shouldn't !!! I have been asked on quite a few occasions.

Gingernutmeg

venus1978 wrote: »

I work in a very male dominated field, and believe me the employers, they ask even when they shouldn't !!! I have been asked on quite a few occasions.

I would actually prefer that. My field tends to be very female-dominated and very pc dominated so those kinds of questions are *never* asked. You do get the feeling sometimes that you're being assessed on your likelihood of getting pregnant rather than your abilities.

SP123_3

Good to see so many positive CF responses here! I have never wanted children, although I have had the odd thought about whether I ought to want them, if you follow me. Some would say that shows I should have kids, but to me it's actually further proof that I really have thought about it properly and am very happy with my decision.

Neither of us particularly like kids - I tolerate other people's but I actually find them quite boing and it always really annoys me how everything has to revolve around the kids when they're around. I much prefer adult conversation!

I have been fortunate that I've never really had many comments about it. I got asked once by OH's auntie, but she meant well and was a bit tipsy at the time so I let it go. And that's been about it. Close friends have asked, but in an objective way rather than a critical one. Anyone who disapproved of my decision would be told where to go.

OH and I have been together for many years now, and tbh I think people have got so used to it just being us that I think they'd be shocked if we did have kids! So hopefully that means they still won't make comments as the years roll on!

Hermia

Another child-free person here. I have never wanted kids and am very happy with my child-free life. Other people are the only problem! The things that annoy me are:

1) Armchair psychologists telling me why I don't want kids or interrogating me on why I don't want kids. I can understand curiosity, but what annoys is no one starts interrogating a woman on why she does wants kids yet some women have kids for very dodgy reasons.

2) People endlessly telling me I will change my mind (why do they never assume women who want kids will never change their minds). I have been told I will change my mind when I turn 20/turn 30/meet a lovely man/have friends who have kids etc etc. So far these deadlines are flying by and still no maternal twinge. I actually had some 'ladies' problems a few years back and was warned I might be infertile and I was okay with it. I have a friend who is 76 and childless by choice and she says she still gets people saying she will regret it one day!

To be honest I genuinely don't understand why people care so much about other peoples' lifestyles. I have had friends tell me they have been criticised for having no kids, having an only child, having too many kids, getting married too early, not getting married at all, going out to work when they have kids, not going out to work when they have kids, being gay, being too ambitious blah blah blah... GRRRRRR!

red_devil

ive got a grown up son from a brief marriage when i was younger. I wouldnt change it for the world but with my current partner who i have been with for many years we dont have any children. We are very happy the way we are.

I do like babies and young children very much though!

auoq86

Gingernutmeg wrote: »

One thing that does annoy me though is that employers can't ask about children etc. I totally get all of the reasons why they shouldn't and why they don't, but I do feel that as a 30-odd year old woman I'm looked on as a potential maternity liability rather than as a good bet for a long-term employee - you know that employers are considering that when you go for jobs. I'd rather they asked me outright. I'm all for maternity rights for women who choose to have kids, but I do feel it's affected those of us who don't want to choose that particular lifestyle.

I tend to offer this information up front when discussing job roles and job planning for the future. Usually along the lines of 'I know that you are not allowed to ask, and it is technically not allowed to influence your decision making, but I would like you to know that I neither have or plan to have children'.