Cant afford my wife anymore

Butti

My last Fiver - That is harsh. WAY TOO harsh.:(

Enabler (if ever a name was apt)
Can I take you back to the start of your thread. You were in a job you enjoyed, your wife was earning twice as much as you, you took a managment position you don't like, she got pregnant, gave up work and continued her lifestyle as before.

I'm presuming from looking at your financial figures that she was on a REALLY good salary (£35/40k) and in a really good job.

You've shared with her which is good BUT she really really needs to get with the programme. You need to both sign up to a budget and to live by it.

I have no idea how old your wife is but the sooner she buckles down and helps you to start making inroads into your debt the sooner she will be able to think about the possibility of another child (possibly with part-time child care).

If she had a good job is she not worried about being off the career ladder for years and years.

You need a few more serious discussions and for her to smell the coffee. We are in 2010. The 1950's / 60's was when women gave up work on marriage/ pregnancy and stayed like that for 15/20 years. Actually take that back - my mum didn't work between 1964 and 1970. She went back to working 2 nights a week when I was 3.

If her parents pay off your debts and you don't change your lifestyle she will have learnt nothing and you will still be in a job you hate. Remember it's your life too.

B

MyLastFiver

Butti wrote: »

My last Fiver - That is harsh. WAY TOO harsh.:(

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/irony

secla

have you actually explained the situation to your wife showing her the figures etc. or just said you are in debt and need to cut back ? does she understand the size of the problem.
even cutting right back your going to struggle to meet your monthly commitments. if you dont want to end up bankrupt she has to go back to work thats the only way your going to get out of this. by far the biggest overspend i can see on your list is your grocery shopping. £500 a month ? me/wife/6 month old baby and i manage comfortably on £50 a week including nappies/baby milk etc.

[Deleted User]

MyLastFiver wrote: »

I'm going to be controversial here but please bear with me.

In my opinion you should not let Capital One and Sainsburys do your family planning. IF you both want another child then I don't think you should dismiss it out of hand because of the finances.

Your SOA ain't pretty but it's certainly not a lost cause either. If you were both able to make very significant cutbacks to your lifestyle, and if you were able to get that unsecured borrowing cleared with help from your in-laws, then things start looking rosier.

That Sainsburys loan is fixed-term so will come to an end sooner or later. That's £250. Your wife could, without too much difficulty, make a little money buying wholesale and selling on Ebay and Amazon. Maybe a couple of hundred quid a month. That's another £200, without tax as it will be below her threshold. Along with spending cuts, you may well be able to make ends meet again here.

I think you may need to enter into a Debt Management Plan for the unsecured borrowing, but first you will need to show on your SOA that you have something to pay them.

I don't know how old you both are but your wife has a "fertility window" and if you didn't have another child just because you owed money to bloody Sainsbury's then you may be storing up regret and unhappiness for later life.

I expect you're thinking "that's easy for you to say" but I promise you that we were (are!) in exactly the same position as you. I earn a similar salary and my wife gets the same tax credits as yours, I do a bit of buyng and selling to boost the income, OK we have a smaller mortgage than you but much higher unsecured borrowing. Now, we're on a DMP, we lead a pretty modest lifestyle, we have a beautiful 2 year-old and will hopefully have another on the way soon (Inshallah) and we're both very happy with our lot.

Whatever you decide to do, the very best to you both.

I agree with you here And... with 2 babies to run after she might not find time for manicures! Good luck enabler & hope the plans work out well.

squeezymeplease

I don't feel I have much to add, everything has already been said, but I think if your wife is that desperate for another baby, I mean really desperate, then that should be enough to make her give up the beauty treatments etc. Tell her that you can't afford another baby while she's spending so much on hair and nails. If she wants a baby that much, she will be willing to give those things up.

If she breastfeeds (free food for first 6 months of baby's life) uses cloth nappies (saves thousands against disposables - again she might think she's above washing nappies but if she really wants a baby that badly...), makes her own purees for weaning (about £3 extra a week for fruit & veg, babies don't eat all that much!) and uses your daughters old clothes (or if it's a boy, charity shop, freecycle or even just cheaper shops like primark and asda, matalan etc for clothes) then you can possibly afford another baby.

also, I stay at home with my 2 year old daughter, but I gave up all luxuries to be able to do this. No nails, no facials, no tans, i get my hair cut for £5 every 6 weeks by a hairdresser friend, and she cuts my daughters for free. I do cheap/free activities with my daughter, yesterday we spent an hour painting each other's toenails. Ok, so she made a total mess of mine (she is only 2!) but its winter, no one sees them under my socks! If your wife is really that maternal and wants to be at home for your daughters development etc, then she wouldn't hesitate to spend the day under a sheet draped over two chairs as a makeshift den. Children much prefer to do things like this that trawl around shops and salons all day. Unless your wife is spending the time doing worthwhile activities that benefit your daughter's development, then in all honesty she would be better off in nursery where they plan activities to stimulate her development.

Sorry for the long post, I find it hard to articulate my point sometimes lol but I guess I'm trying to say if your wife is that maternal and desperate for another baby, then she should be able to give all her luxuries up in a heartbeat for that.

katiepatie

so glad you told her, i know its not an excuse but you've run up debt on a new house, new stuff, holidays and enjoying the good life! at least you know that, so you's can put a stop to it (me, av know idea what we've spent our cash on:() and i think you should if possible get help from your wifes family.....tbh if my kids/grandkids needed help and i could give them more than advice, i would. good luck:)

WASHER

Katie, I personally don't think getting financial help from the family will help, it will in the immediate future, but they will not have learnt a hard lesson, you cannot carry on spending without consequences.

slummymummyof3

I think perhaps a little financial assistance from the family just to overcome the initial difficulties of not being able to meet repayments this month could be justified. However, it should be limited to that.

Enabler, have you suggested to your wife that she needs to go back to work long enough to remove the immediate financial threat to your household and so that she would qualify for maternity pay?

Can you make the most of your cupboard and freezer contents as far as possible this month to aid in reducing your outgoings?

CFC

Hi Enabler, have you actually been through the SOA with your wife so she can see for herself how poor the situation is right now?
I agree with the poster who said, don't let the bank do your family planning for you.
Certainly your wife will have to tell her parents if you are pulling out of a family holiday. You can hardly tell them you don't want to go because you suddenly hate them.
As for your wife working, well; it depends if you can both find a way to pay off the debt and live within your means without her working. Your mortgage is a problem, you bought the house when it would have been sensible not to, but you could take a lodger. Not entirely pleasant, but it could be done for a year or two instead of your wife going to work.
I totally sympathise with her wanting to be a stay at home mum; but she needs to understand that 'stay at home' means exactly that, it doesn't mean shopping or other leisure activities

Nukumai

enabler - good job...well done! I hope you at least feel somewhat less stressed now that you have had the dreaded conversation.

And I'm certainly not going to criticise your wife. It's easy to be clinical and judgemental from the outside.

Good luck!