Cant afford my wife anymore

RobertoMoir

enabler wrote: »

Bit of a sheepish hello from me here and thanks for all the responses -even the harsh ones, thanks especially to those who messaged me.

I've told my wife that we can't afford this lifestyle anymore and about the debts. She knew I had credit cards but thought we were managing the minimum payments ok - but we've talked about that now. I won't lie, there were tears and tantrums but hopefully we're moving on from that now. Upshot is the gym, sky tv and holiday has gone, mobile reduced, she won't be renewing some of our daughters activities at easter and instead is looking at pre-school which apparently is free?? Staying is the house (no choice as in neg equity) and she insists on her beauty stuff but has agreedto look for cheaper places/go less etc

so hoping this will begin to make a difference........

She does not want to work though and told me she's desperate to have another baby....something she's mentionned before but I've consistently said I wansnt ready which was really the fear of more children when finances are dire. Now this is in the open we've been truthful and I said that if we could get things stabilised then we could.

I should clarify that wife earnt more than me when we met but as I moved into management I surpassed her salary. She's led a rather priviledged lifestyle where luxuries were the norm. She has said that she wanst to ask her parents for help but I'm totally against this and have said as much. We should sort this ourselves but she says we'll have to tell them when we pull out of the holiday.

Well you've taken the first step and that's the toughest one. I bet it was hard to share this but now that you have, I bet you're glad that at least you don't have all the stress of the debt plus that of keeping a secret on top.

She will need to give up more (but lets not minimise what you both have cut back already) whether that is in terms of luxuries or in terms of not wanting to work but maybe having to anyway. You might both still need to tighten up things more but to be fair to her, you've had some time to get used to the idea of the debt and it's just been dropped on her like a bomb. You are 50 pages ahead of her in the book, she will need time to catch up.

But at the end of the day the figures you posted speak for themselves, do they not?

As I said before, are there any luxuries you could give up (perhaps you already have) so its clear that you're behind the idea that this is a problem you both have and a problem you'll both have to solve by working together. It doesn't have to be something major, perhaps something symbolic - small but noticeable. Symbols can sometimes be very important.

As for getting help from her parents, I'd never say "never", but if you don't fix the lifestyle problem that has caused your trouble in the first place then you'll only end up in trouble again and the only thing worse than going to "the bank of mum and dad" for help when you're an adult is doing that then ending up back in trouble again. I suspect you know that but she might need time to get it - to have her own "light bulb moment" as people call it around here.

She's certainly right that you'll have to tell her parents something if you're going to be pulling out of a joint holiday. Without knowing the state of their finances, I hope she wouldn't let her expectations of "help" lead them into trouble too.

BILLIE

Enabler thank goodness you have logged on - I was really getting worried as to where you were. Okay believe it or not whilst I agree with the last few posts there is part of me that understands where she is coming from. You say that she has had a charmed life and lets be honest you have also allowed that to continue. If in the past family have let her get her own way and maybe bailed her out she will not understand why she can't ask them again. Yes she is a big girl, but reality hasn't yet hit home. I think you need to sit down with her and write down all the bills which must be paid such as mortgage etc., Then what you want to pay off the CC's and debts each month and then see what is left. Maybe tell her she can use half of what is left or some of Child Benefit for her treatments, but if she went without for a while and put any spare money towards the debt she could return to her treatments before too long. Don't get me wrong everyone I haven't been fortunate to either have money to spare or a lifestyle where I couldn't go without treatments, but this lady needs to understand reality and that is going to be the hard part. Also think long and hard about when a new baby should be conceived. That is an expense you can do without and I would imagine that your wife is not the sort of person who will use hand me downs from the first born. You have still a long way to go, but well done for having posted on here and making the first move by talking. Keep at it and you will come out on top. Billie xx

Poosmate

yay! Well done Enabler! I hope your wife sees the light soon and I really hope she doesn't get her parents to bail her out, she's not going to learn anything that way!

Good luck.

Poo

MyLastFiver

I'm going to be controversial here but please bear with me.

In my opinion you should not let Capital One and Sainsburys do your family planning. IF you both want another child then I don't think you should dismiss it out of hand because of the finances.

Your SOA ain't pretty but it's certainly not a lost cause either. If you were both able to make very significant cutbacks to your lifestyle, and if you were able to get that unsecured borrowing cleared with help from your in-laws, then things start looking rosier.

That Sainsburys loan is fixed-term so will come to an end sooner or later. That's £250. Your wife could, without too much difficulty, make a little money buying wholesale and selling on Ebay and Amazon. Maybe a couple of hundred quid a month. That's another £200, without tax as it will be below her threshold. Along with spending cuts, you may well be able to make ends meet again here.

I think you may need to enter into a Debt Management Plan for the unsecured borrowing, but first you will need to show on your SOA that you have something to pay them.

I don't know how old you both are but your wife has a "fertility window" and if you didn't have another child just because you owed money to bloody Sainsbury's then you may be storing up regret and unhappiness for later life.

I expect you're thinking "that's easy for you to say" but I promise you that we were (are!) in exactly the same position as you. I earn a similar salary and my wife gets the same tax credits as yours, I do a bit of buyng and selling to boost the income, OK we have a smaller mortgage than you but much higher unsecured borrowing. Now, we're on a DMP, we lead a pretty modest lifestyle, we have a beautiful 2 year-old and will hopefully have another on the way soon (Inshallah) and we're both very happy with our lot.

Whatever you decide to do, the very best to you both.

Poosmate

oh! I have just thought of a cunning plan to help get your wife on board but it's kind of a little bit evil! lol

It seems that your wife has come to expect a certain lifestyle, living in a lovely house in a lovely area, all very nice.

If she doesn't get on board the debt busting boat how about you sell your car and downgrade (and I mean really downgrade sell car for £5k buy one for £500-£1k) so you can pay £4k off the debt?

What would the neighbours think?

How would she feel about an old banger on the drive for all the neighbours to see?

There has to be a trade off to her spending. Nice car? (that the neighbours will see), Or Beauty treatments? )that the neighbours probably wouldn't even notice).

Told you it was a bit evil - kind of like emotional blackmail, but hey, if someone can't see the wood for the trees you have to show them a plank!

Hope that helps

Poo

MyLastFiver

Poosmate wrote: »

oh! I have just thought of a cunning plan to help get your wife on board but it's kind of a little bit evil! lol

It seems that your wife has come to expect a certain lifestyle, living in a lovely house in a lovely area, all very nice.

If she doesn't get on board the debt busting boat how about you sell your car and downgrade (and I mean really downgrade sell car for £5k buy one for £500-£1k) so you can pay £4k off the debt?

What would the neighbours think?

How would she feel about an old banger on the drive for all the neighbours to see?

There has to be a trade off to her spending. Nice car? (that the neighbours will see), Or Beauty treatments? )that the neighbours probably wouldn't even notice).

Told you it was a bit evil - kind of like emotional blackmail, but hey, if someone can't see the wood for the trees you have to show them a plank!

Hope that helps

Poo

It's not "a bit evil". We have our £500 banger on the drive next to the neighbours' Audi. We couldn't give a stuff and neither could he. We'll still be having a beer together on Friday.

Poo I know you were half joking but I don't think manipulation and emotional blackmail are what is needed here. The high-maintenance wife has had a shock and is coming to terms with having to make the difficult cuts that lots of us on here made a long time ago. For the sake of their family and their happiness I think they need to find solutions to their problems as a loving partnership, not as enemies.

festivalgirl73

It beggers belief that you say "my wife doesn't want to work" and you just accept this and say "OK Darling!" I wish my partner was like you! :rotfl:
Does any of us actually WANT to work? For the majority working for a living is not about choice it is about necessity, I have 3 school age children (I am a woman by the way) and I work two jobs, daytime, evenings and weekends, I HATE IT, but I have no choice, we are still struggling through but imagine if I had said 'I don't want to', I'm sorry but my other half would probably have just chucked me out by my ear!
Just my thoughts..............
All the best anyway, I truly hope things improve, I think perhaps your wife may need to be shown this thread to get the true picture, it would be a very harsh wake up call, but perhaps if she doesn't come round in her own time this is something that should be pulled out of the bag.
Good Luck x

MyLastFiver

IvaDebt wrote: »

It beggers belief that you say "my wife doesn't want to work" and you just accept this and say "OK Darling!" I wish my partner was like you! :rotfl:

Fair point, and the OPer does call himself "Enabler";)

But I think wanting to bring up your pre-school child yourself at home is a perfectly healthy and natural thing to do, and we shouldn't let our debts make us put our kids into nurseries if we don't want to.

However I agree that once the nipper is of school age there's no reason why the OPer's wife shouldn't get a job. In fact, she needs to, to get some of that debt paid down until she needs to quit to have another baby

BILLIE

IvaDebt I am with you on that one - my OH has been out of work for 18 months and I work full time and have weekend and evening job as well. Oh to be able to say that is enough don't want to work anymore, but heh my time will come!!

dangers

For this academic year, every child is entitled to 12½ hours nursery education grant from the term after they turn 3. (This is using the old 3 terms per year - so September, January & April). This can often be done as 5 sessions per week - as most sessions are 2½ hrs long.