Cant afford my wife anymore

Swampmonster

Well done for talking to your wife. I know how hard that must have been.

What no-one else has mentioned is that you were probably terrified of her leaving when she found out. I'm very pleased to see she has stuck around so that must mean she truly loves you and will stick with you through thick and thin.

I truly wish you all the best.

Good luck!

Swampmonster

ninky_2

well done enabler. what a big step that was telling your wife. and after the understandable initial shock it sounds as if she was actually quite open to making some cutbacks. you probably need to tighten your belts even further but rome wasn't built in a day and now that she is aware of the problem it would probably be a good idea to have regular time set aside to go over the finances and decide how you are doing together.

there has been a lot of hostility to your wife on here. no doubt much of it motivated by jealousy. truth is one person's 'luxury lifestyle' is another person's normality. it is all relative and if she has seen her parents / friends / colleagues leading a certain lifestyle then that is just normal to her. most people struggle to accept they must have a less comfortable lifestyle than the one they were used to growing up. i think the key here is that you obviously have an intelligent spouse who can help you to budget once she is in the loop.

as for a second child. again it is important you make the decision jointly. did you see the news that the average cost of raising a child to 21 is now just over 200k not including school fees - almost 10k in the first year and around 12k per toddler year. that's more than some people's mortgage. if you decide to take on this not inconsiderable cost then other things will have to be sacrificed. so again face this reality together. are you both willing to downsize / move to a less pleasant area / forgo nice holidays etc etc.

really good luck with it.

irishmist_2

Hi enabler,
Huge well done for having the dreaded conversation and well done to your wife for listening. I think that some of the responses to your wife on here are a little harsh - she is hours in to understanding the extent of your financial situation and the huge changes this will bring to your whole family - I would say the progress you've made in such a short space of time as a couple is great - it took me loads longer to REALLY get how many changes I needed to make - instead of one LBM, I have had numerous over the years.

I also agree some of the other posters saying that you shouldn't plan your family entirely around your finances, and wonder whether having the incentive of trying for a second child won't help hugely in sticking to a budget, and in giving you a way out of any social embarrasment ("We'd love to come, but have decided to try for our second so need to make some cutbacks"...)

All of this said there does need to be a significant increase in income, esp as is sounds like moving is not going to be possible.

I would suggest:

-Your wife going back to her career, even for long enough to qualify for maternity pay

-your wife doing something in direct sales, e.g. Osborne books or similar to fit around your work, so no child care

-your wife doing something that involves a short training in something she's interested in related to babies - maybe baby massage or baby signing or Waterbabies swimming classes, and using one of your rooms as a work space for her to do classes (obviously not for the swimming!). This could involve minimal outlay but these are very sought after activities, and her recent/current experience in being a mummy would be priceless. The charges for some of these private classes can be really quite high (certainly I don't do them because of cost!!), but there is a lot of demand from "yummy mummies" for them

-renting your spare room/rooms out - would it feel more acceptable to your wife to rent to foreign students on exchange perhaps so she could feel there was a cultural benefit to your child, and phrase it like that to her friends...

You have had some of the hardest conversations how, and are being honest with each other - if you put your heads together creatively, there is no reason why in a few years (or less) you couldn't have a second child, a good second income and a house (economics allowing!) that is worth more than it is now that you can stay in or sell. Stick with it and keep posting.

mrs:optimist_2

• ninky wrote: »

  ...as for a second child. again it is important you make the decision jointly. did you see the news that the average cost of raising a child to 21 is now just over 200k not including school fees - almost 10k in the first year and around 12k per toddler year. that's more than some people's mortgage....

Wow, if that's the average then what are people spending their money on!!! My DD is 2 and there is no way that we have spent anywhere near that much, not even anywhere close to that! And we had to buy everything as she is our first child! I'm not saying that isn't true, I'm just shocked because she had everything new, good brands and we don't have room for all her stuff she has so much! :eek:

tori.k

I been horrified by some of the replys on this thread, some of you have hung drawn & quartered this poor woman for something she didnt even know about.
as the kids say "keep it cute or keep it mute"

for something more pratical is there any colleges that run a hair & beauty course ?
you can save a packet but also help a student gain experience.

I think its important to keep some little luxury or treat, it can be hard on a couple to live in a very strict budget long term without resentment rearing its head once and a while. and if having her nails done once a month will make her feel that life isn't all bad then there shouldn't be an issue if she is willing to give up the prada handbags for a while

Planning is key the area we have saved the most money is in our food shopping we made a £215 a month saving on this last year, £2580 PA.
add in shopping from your wardrobes for a while this is where you will make the greatest savings first, so head towards the oldstyle board and get some inspiration.
Best of luck

taxi73

I don't think the posts are necessarily harsh...it's because the situation is very urgent in regards that the poor man has only got enough to pay the mortgage this monthand no all his other bills.
It calls for urgent steps so that they are not homeless in a few months..that is the enormity of the situation.
Just cutting back won't cut it unfortunately she really does need a job to keep on top of the commitments they already have let alone get rid of the debt.
I agree she's had no time to get used to the idea and Enabler really does have to explain their situation in great deal before they can move forwards as she probably doesn't know the full extent.
With major cutbacks and his wife earning they have an excellent chance to turn things around.
I also don't believe that any poster is jealous of her lifestyle as someone posted earlier.

ninky_2

mrs:optimist wrote: »

Wow, if that's the average then what are people spending their money on!!! My DD is 2 and there is no way that we have spent anywhere near that much, not even anywhere close to that! And we had to buy everything as she is our first child! I'm not saying that isn't true, I'm just shocked because she had everything new, good brands and we don't have room for all her stuff she has so much! :eek:

well it's what the stats say. i'm guessing it is average so some people will have to spend less. maybe they also factor in the cost of extra bedrooms (and what that adds to the mortgage), cost of extra holidays, extra car journeys, loss of earnings etc etc. it's not always the obvious things like cots and buggies.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2010/feb/23/child-cost-inflation

finnigan

Hi Enabler, hows things today?

pimento

It almost sounds like your wife needs the excuse of another baby to not have to work.

misscousinitt

My advice to you (for what its worth) is to re-do your SOA and then go through it again with your wife.

You need to make her understand that even without ANY luxuries, you still can't afford for her not to go back to work is some shape or form. If she really will not out to work is there anything she can do from home?

Have you got anything you could sell? If you sell the car and get a cheaper one (say for £800-£1200) you could pay off your Egg card and free up another £110 per month. The insurance may be cheaper on a cheaper car too...

Have you got books, dvds, games...anything your wife could sell on e-bay or amazon - it might not look like it would amount to much, but in the long run it could pay off your Capital One Card - freeing up another £60 pm. She obviously has a brain (if not a huge amount of common sense - its usually the way - I know a fair few people like this) and I would think that she could easily rise to the challenge of making some money from home to pay off a debt or two...

You need to look at the utilities and all insurances again and cut the Groceries in half at least.

If you re-do the SOA you will see how far you have come and how far you need to go - it might just swing it on the persuasion stakes for your wife to take a part-time job at least so you can get those Credit Cards paid off. Even if she only earns £500 pm - in a year the Sainsbury's card will be gone - even if she gets pregnant in that time don't forget she's got nine months before having to give up work again.

I wish you all the best and I really hope that you can come to an arrangement that suits everyone.