Breaking up!

suze200

Don't give up Mark.

My OH and myself are in the same boat as you. I am the wife and he did something so awful (don’t want to go into detail as to what “it” is) I told him it was over in November. However we agreed for him to stay until after Christmas as we have 3 kids. He kept telling me how much he loves me and how sorry he was, but did not pressure me to change my mind.

He asked me if there was anything he could do to save our marriage. I thought about this a lot and realised the biggest issue was me trusting that he wouldn’t do “it” again. He couldn’t really give a satisfactory answer as to why he did “it”. I thought counselling may help him understand why and therefore determine if he could actually never do “it” again.

As first he refused as he is a very private person, and he would have to tell someone his innermost thoughts also he was not convinced it actually works. When I pointed out that he said he would do “anything” and this was the only way I might believe he could change his for good he agreed to go.

He has had 3 sessions so far and has admitted it’s nothing like he thought it would be and it really is helping him understand himself and his “behaviour”. I am also seeing a different counsellor as I need help to forgive him, not sure if I love him, etc….

It is very early days for us and we still may separate, but we can truly say we tried everything, and if we do split the counselling will help cope with that too.

Maybe if you went for counselling yourself it would help convince your wife you really are willing to change and be the man she wants.

Dave101t

or maybe, a wise old owl??
im too young to be wise, 27 and married only 6 months, but we have discussed all sorts, one night stands, affairs with co workers etc. and we always come to the same conclusion...

BitterAndTwisted

Mark, I've been giving your situation some thought and have come up with the following strategy:

Get over to the DFW part of the forum and download or look at the SOA.

Visit the Old-Style Moneysaving part of the forum to get some very handy tips about how to economise and cut down your living expenses.

Get a babysitter for a Friday night and book two hotel rooms. A cheapie £19 a night Travelodge will do. It's not a romantic break to woo your wife it's a private place away from your daughter to work on your SOA and figure out how to get that £3k overdraft killed and to amass some savings in order for you to be able to leave, pay your own housing and living expenses, pay the mortgage and contribute to your wife and daughter's living expenses.

Do not leave your home until you have some savings built up so you can afford to leave home and live separately.

Make some appointments with Relate to find help to understand why you did what you did and to also find a way to be able to move forward alone. Relate isn't just about counselling couples, you can go by yourself.

I wish you all the luck in the world and also hope that you might be able to find a way to forgive yourself and that your wife might be able to as well one day

Michelin

Dave101t wrote: »

or maybe, a wise old owl??
im too young to be wise, 27 and married only 6 months, but we have discussed all sorts, one night stands, affairs with co workers etc. and we always come to the same conclusion...

What was the conclusion Dave?

determined_new_ms

Sorry bitterandtwisted I think you may have to give up ur user name and lend it to someone else... Shocking and very provoking

Bethankim

MarkOwl,

regardless of what has happened and i make no judgements on anyone else's life, i cannot add anything as Bitter and twisteds post make sense, if fair and supportive

you may no longer have the choice as to what happens, but you have a choice as to how you handle it. Relate may be a good place to start, so you can move forward and deal with the loss you are feeling, to gain understanding and to move forward.

Ivrytwr3

How on earth am i bitter and twisted? My only concern is for the wife and daughter he has recklessley abandoned.

Perhaps you can all pop round to Mark's house and tell his family that you all are supporting him because he is such a wonderful guy??

If the wife or daughter was on here telling you THEIR version of the story i'm not sure you would be happy with the pedestal you appear to have placed Saint Mark on.

BitterAndTwisted

The OP is not unaware of the harm he and his behaviour has caused to himself, his wife, his marriage and his family life and you have contributing nothing at all to this thread. I don't understand why you're bothering, to be honest. I know people can't go to jail for being a pest and a twerp but sometimes I wish it were otherwise.

I think you might be happier shining up that pedestal you are getting a nosebleed on and perhaps you could consider giving that high-horse a bit of a curry as well while you're up there.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged". Is that ringing any bells for you at all?

Lotus-eater

Ivrytwr3 wrote: »

If the wife or daughter was on here telling you THEIR version of the story i'm not sure you would be happy with the pedestal you appear to have placed Saint Mark on.

Although this persons input has been unhelpful and deliberately hurtful, what he (I presume a he) says here is true.
Alot of you would be screaming for the OH to chuck him out and.... make the pig pay with every penny he has got.
Just shows, there is always two sides to every unhappy occurrence.

Gemsgalore

Ivrytwr3 wrote: »

How on earth am i bitter and twisted? My only concern is for the wife and daughter he has recklessley abandoned.

Perhaps you can all pop round to Mark's house and tell his family that you all are supporting him because he is such a wonderful guy??

If the wife or daughter was on here telling you THEIR version of the story i'm not sure you would be happy with the pedestal you appear to have placed Saint Mark on.

This won't be popular, but I don't think you are being bitter at all and can totally see where you are coming from. I think folks just wanted you to be maybe a bit more constructive. For example, he is worried about his wife coping, so maybe since you are mainly seeing this from her point of view, ......you could have offered advice to help her....if you followed what I mean?

However, I do see what you are saying and having had this done to me and struggled to bring up kids alone, I know what devastation any infidelity causes to everyone......especially kids