Breaking up!

Mark_the_owl

She does think it's over. Maybe the way I have come across is me hoping for the impossible. We're still living together but it's quite hard, although there's no hate on either part. Part of me wants her to lash out at me.

What I can't come to terms with is that she took me back at Xmas (I know that's a very emotional time) and I thought I'd got the opportunity to put the past in the past and work towards a fantastic future.

Seems she had second thoughts and now says there is no way back. I get all sorts of conflicting advice, people telling me not to leave under any circumstances. Others telling me to leave her and let her get on with it all on her own. I can't do that to her, I love her too much and I know people will say "You didn't love her enough" but I just want to care for her and give her the life she deserves.

I guess the life she desreves doesn't involve me and that's like having your insides ripped out.

Sorry this has turned into a ramble, I did want some advice but it's turned into a thread about what's happened rather than what needs to happen

Michelin

Mark_the_owl wrote: »

She does think it's over. Maybe the way I have come across is me hoping for the impossible. We're still living together but it's quite hard, although there's no hate on either part. Part of me wants her to lash out at me.

What I can't come to terms with is that she took me back at Xmas (I know that's a very emotional time) and I thought I'd got the opportunity to put the past in the past and work towards a fantastic future.

Seems she had second thoughts and now says there is no way back. I get all sorts of conflicting advice, people telling me not to leave under any circumstances. Others telling me to leave her and let her get on with it all on her own. I can't do that to her, I love her too much and I know people will say "You didn't love her enough" but I just want to care for her and give her the life she deserves.

I guess the life she desreves doesn't involve me and that's like having your insides ripped out.

Sorry this has turned into a ramble, I did want some advice but it's turned into a thread about what's happened rather than what needs to happen

I think you are right in that her taking you back at Christmas could have been just because of the time of year and maybe she felt that you could make it work, however it also is a bit of a false time in that everything around is happy, bright and festive. Then you get to January and in the cold light of a winter's day, things don't look so rosy and she then had second thoughts. You can make it work but only if she wants to unfortunately.

Separation may the answer while you sort yourselves out but you need to try and keep talking. You know her better, do you think she has writtent this off or do you think, in time, you and her could actually sit down and start the process of repairing this relationship?

Pixiechic

Hi,

Your wife may well have had you back over Christmas because, yes, it is an emotional time and she was also probably thinking of the children too.Time is a great healer. I would probably wait a little before making any drastic and permanent plans as this is a very uncertain time for you all. Good luck, I hope things improve for you and the rest of your family.

determined_new_ms

Ivrytwr3 wrote: »

should have kept your pants on.

I hope your soon to be ex and daughter find someone worthy of their love.

I think this is a really unfair and unhelpful comment to make. Who is anyone else to judge? None of us know the full extent to what has happened here. People make mistakes and often tear themselves to shreds because of it. Good ppl do bad things you know.

OP I hope things sort themselves out for the best, in the end they will. I was a single parent for years and its manageable financially. She'll be entitled to tax credits, discounts on council tax, she may increase her hours at work etc, she'll be ok and by the sounds of it you'll be there to support her.

You can write to the bank with a SOA and request they split the debt and agree reasonable repayment plan.

Good luck to your whole family

Mark_the_owl

determined_new_ms wrote: »

I think this is a really unfair and unhelpful comment to make. Who is anyone else to judge? None of us know the full extent to what has happened here. People make mistakes and often tear themselves to shreds because of it. Good ppl do bad things you know.

OP I hope things sort themselves out for the best, in the end they will. I was a single parent for years and its manageable financially. She'll be entitled to tax credits, discounts on council tax, she may increase her hours at work etc, she'll be ok and by the sounds of it you'll be there to support her.

You can write to the bank with a SOA and request they split the debt and agree reasonable repayment plan.

Good luck to your whole family

Thanks. What's an SOA? Sorry to sound stupid.

determined_new_ms

state of affairs - really its a realistic budget of where your finances go each month and what you have left to repay debts you offer. CAB website details how much should should account for certain things and then you offer what you can back. If things are really difficult financially and the bank doesnt accept then invite them to take you to court as the court cannot make you pay a monthly amount you don't have.

determined_new_ms

I do this alot with the people I work with

Debt_Free_Chick

Mark_the_owl wrote: »

She does think it's over. Maybe the way I have come across is me hoping for the impossible. We're still living together but it's quite hard, although there's no hate on either part. Part of me wants her to lash out at me.

What I can't come to terms with is that she took me back at Xmas (I know that's a very emotional time) and I thought I'd got the opportunity to put the past in the past and work towards a fantastic future.

Seems she had second thoughts and now says there is no way back. I get all sorts of conflicting advice, people telling me not to leave under any circumstances. Others telling me to leave her and let her get on with it all on her own. I can't do that to her, I love her too much and I know people will say "You didn't love her enough" but I just want to care for her and give her the life she deserves.

I guess the life she desreves doesn't involve me and that's like having your insides ripped out.

Sorry this has turned into a ramble, I did want some advice but it's turned into a thread about what's happened rather than what needs to happen

Sweeping generalisation here but .. .women often "turn cold" when what they really want is for the man in their life to show how much he loves them! Yes, it's a test - but we often don't even realise that we're testing you.

If you love her, then tell her - and tell her again - and again and again and again. We're fickle - we have low self-esteem. We can not believe that we're good enough to deserve your attention.

I don't claim that this will work - I can not possibly know what your wife thinks. But if you love her, then it may be that she doubts herself. Who knows ... but worth a try ....??????

Mark_the_owl

Debt_Free_Chick wrote: »

Sweeping generalisation here but .. .women often "turn cold" when what they really want is for the man in their life to show how much he loves them! Yes, it's a test - but we often don't even realise that we're testing you.

If you love her, then tell her - and tell her again - and again and again and again. We're fickle - we have low self-esteem. We can not believe that we're good enough to deserve your attention.

I don't claim that this will work - I can not possibly know what your wife thinks. But if you love her, then it may be that she doubts herself. Who knows ... but worth a try ....??????

Thanks again. I know I didn't tell her enough before. Not enough hugs despite her telling me that's what she loved! I was trying to change and since Christmas I thought I was. Obviously not enough for her, I have done nothing but tell her how much I love her since but I bet it comes across as shallow and without substance. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Sorry for bearing my soul on here, if anyone needs support from others it's her. She and her daughter are my world and life without them seems too bleak to contemplate

Michelin

Mark_the_owl wrote: »

Thanks again. I know I didn't tell her enough before. Not enough hugs despite her telling me that's what she loved! I was trying to change and since Christmas I thought I was. Obviously not enough for her, I have done nothing but tell her how much I love her since but I bet it comes across as shallow and without substance. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Sorry for bearing my soul on here, if anyone needs support from others it's her. She and her daughter are my world and life without them seems too bleak to contemplate

But to be honest, just cuddling her more and telling her you love is not going to make this right. There is more that needs to be done first starting with you both talking to each other and separately, determining in your own minds what you want. You need to ask why you did what you did and try to get to the bottom of that. She has to be able to trust you again and that could be causing her issues right now. You don't say if this talking has happened/started so maybe you have already gone down that road. Do you think there is any chance that she will change her mind or is she completely sure this is over?