Breaking up!

Mark_the_owl

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

My thoughts exactly Suze, which was why it has been suggested on this thread more than once.

Mark, you are not down there at the bottom of an abyss but you may be standing on the lip of it. There may be a way of crossing it rather than falling down into the depths.

In your shoes I would make an appointment with Relate very urgently and make no secret of where I was going and why. There still might be the remotest chance of saving this heartbreaking situation and if it does not you will know that you've done everything in your power to save yourself and your marriage. Seeing someone else walking through fire just for the sake of your heart is a very, very powerful message indeed. But you do need to really mean it.

Funnily enough that has been my first job this morning, I have booked the first session and we'll see how things go. My wife has still told me it's too late for us and I have to respect her on that.

All I can do is carry on chnging my ways, becoming a nicer person & hope for a miracle. They do happen occasionally & I will try till I drop!

Michelin

Good luck Mark, I really hope it all works out for you. Whateve happens, the counselling will help you as a person which can only be a good thing. Give her time and maybe when the dust has settled a bit, she may have second thoughts. I really hope so.

Mark_the_owl

Thanks. She nows how I feel, but she's determined that this is the course of action she wants to take. It's hard to take, however I can't force her to change her feelings as that wouldn't be right.

I only want her to change her mind if she sees I'm a different, better person & that's not going to happen overnight. We are still in the same house, we have meals together, watch TV together and laugh & talk with each other. But the bottom line is she doesn't love me as her husband I'm afraid

BitterAndTwisted

She doesn't now but in time she might. The things about your character and personality which she fell in love with in the first place are still all there. What has changed is what she sees as a profound and hidden character-flaw which has been revealed. This is not immutable and I dearly hope she may come to understand that in time. What is truly wonderful is that you can live in the same home for the moment and appear to still be enjoying each other's company. That's gold, that is.

mummy_Jay

How is your DD coping with all of this?

This probably wont be what you want to hear but your DD is learning about what is acceptable behavour in a relationship by what you and your wife are doing. You have crossed a line and your wife is saying no I'm worth more than that. This is so important for your DD to see or she will think in the future that this is what relationships are suppose to be like.

IMO you need to make it very clear to your DD that you really regret your actions and that you are really sorry for hurting them both and what you have done but also acknowledge that her mothers reaction is fair as you have broken her trust.
I'm sure in the future the last thing you would want to see is your DD bouncing in and out of relationships, where she is cheated on and goes back to the guy. So she needs to see now that its not acceptable, so she will know in the future she's worth more, just like her mum.

Your wife may forgive you one day but how you handle this is as much about your DD as it is about your wife.

List out the yearly bills and mortagage payments. Look at together whether between your wifes current income and 15% of yours could she afford to keep the house? Ask her what she want to do, its as much her choice as it is yours. The best thing right now is to communicate. When it comes to your DD all 3 of you sitdown together to sort out when your going to see her, how your going to deal with b-day & xmas. Make it clear that when it comes to DD, you will be keeping open lines of communication with her mum (so she doesn't try playing you off one another when she wants her own way).

Mark_the_owl

mummy_Jay wrote: »

How is your DD coping with all of this?

This probably wont be what you want to hear but your DD is learning about what is acceptable behavour in a relationship by what you and your wife are doing. You have crossed a line and your wife is saying no I'm worth more than that. This is so important for your DD to see or she will think in the future that this is what relationships are suppose to be like.

IMO you need to make it very clear to your DD that you really regret your actions and that you are really sorry for hurting them both and what you have done but also acknowledge that her mothers reaction is fair as you have broken her trust.

I had that exact conversation with her last night. She's very much a normal teenager, but she is extremely level headed and sensible.

Gemsgalore

You are by no means the only couple still living together when the love and respect has gone Mark....there are thousands out there who are either still together for financial reasons or because they don't have the guts to change the situation.......or more importantly, themselves.

At least you are prepared to do that, so carry on getting the help you need to change. When OH sees some action to go along with the words, she may well see a little bit of what she loved about you again...... and who knows. Good luck

PS: Don't forget to try the letter, women tend to keep letters for years, whereas words are so easily forgotten.

Mark_the_owl

Gemsgalore wrote: »

You are by no means the only couple still living together when the love and respect has gone Mark....there are thousands out there who are either still together for financial reasons or because they don't have the guts to change the situation.......or more importantly, themselves.

At least you are prepared to do that, so carry on getting the help you need to change. When OH sees some action to go along with the words, she may well see a little bit of what she loved about you again...... and who knows. Good luck

PS: Don't forget to try the letter, women tend to keep letters for years, whereas words are so easily forgotten.

I didn't write a letter, I wrote a poem. Straight from the heart and in about 10 minutes flat.

She did read it and there were tears in her eyes, and then she gave it back to me.

Still praying for a miracle........

mickeypops

Well, you sound sincere and honest to me, Mr Owl, so here's wishing you the very best of luck that your 10% chance will come off.

Primrose

Looking at your situation realistically and without emotion, now is not the time for you and your wife to be splitting up when you have debts which need to be sorted out and repaid. I'd be tempted to tell your wife that regardless of who is at fault, your family's financial wellbeing is at stake here and that you will not be moving out of the house until all debts have been paid. At that point, and not until then, will you both be able to move forward in whatever way is best for you both.

It was probably not sensible to go booking holidays when you were in debt and you may want to consider it prudent to cancel them and rein in your spending until you are debt free.

Well done for considering the counselling option. Just keep plugging away at it. If it helps to share what you've learnt from it with your wife, do so as a way of showing your commitment to trying to make amends and learn from what has happened.

And don't give up. I don't know how your daughter feels about this but she does have a right to know and understand what is happening in her parents' lives.