Help for my mum please!!!!!

paddy's_mum

And I too can truthfully say exactly the same as sazzybum - I've been there too only in my case, the 'guilty' family member did this twice!

The first time, just like you, it caused a volcanic reaction, rivers of tears, furious condemnation and so on.

Then I grew up, made a few mistakes of my own and suffered the consequences, learned a bit about life and people and when it happened again, I was able to support my relative's spouse, swallow my anger and desire to condemn and carry on loving the person despite their flaws and shortcomings. That doesn't mean I condoned nor welcomed the bad behaviour - by heck, I didn't but my love was greater by far than my rage. Can you not see that as a desirable outcome and one that you could be aiming for if your seething rage has abated a little now?

That's what people have been trying to make you see. To fall out forever is madness when a little bit of kindness can heal so much.

I'd also point out that your first posts did not suggest that it was only temporary anger driving you. It came across very clearly that there was no going back, no recovery, no leeway whatever - the source of my comment in reply to your "he chose now let him suffer the consequences". Your remarks did not read 'at the moment' - they clearly conveyed 'never'. and I suspect it was that which people found so difficult to reconcile with the picture you gave of your father as a smashing man, a kind and generous Dad and husband, and a person who had earned the right to be heard before being condemned out of hand.

If the picture has now changed to one in which there is more calm and reason, then I'm glad for you and can only hope that continues since I know from experience that to remain at loggerheads with someone is incredibly tiring and burdensome.

In your shoes, I'd be pushing very hard, but in a kindly way, to get your Mum to a good solicitor, whether or not she currently wishes to go. There are some major decisions on the horizon and she can't allow herself to be rendered vulnerable through putting her head in the sand.

I hope it all works out for the best for you all.

GemBlueTopaz1984

He wasn't strict at all, they were best friend they both had the funniest sense of humours you would be brought to tears with laughter over the way they would make fun of each other when together, they had nicknames for each other and everything, grandad wasn't strict infact he was the one who let them get away with murder. My dad wasn't unemotional but he did always cover and hard times with a joke, like when my mums, mum died not long after her dad died he made her laugh saying he would adopt her as she was now an orphan, i know that might sound weird to anyone looking in but anyone who knew my dad would say he was the funniest person they knew. Saying that when his dad died he could cover that with jokes he had no way of dealing with it. Thats why we accepted it when he moved to his mums, we thought he was sorting himself out grieving properly so that he could be himself again.

sazzybum

GemBlueTopaz1984 wrote: »

He wasn't strict at all, they were best friend they both had the funniest sense of humours you would be brought to tears with laughter over the way they would make fun of each other when together, they had nicknames for each other and everything, grandad wasn't strict infact he was the one who let them get away with murder. My dad wasn't unemotional but he did always cover and hard times with a joke, like when my mums, mum died not long after her dad died he made her laugh saying he would adopt her as she was now an orphan, i know that might sound weird to anyone looking in but anyone who knew my dad would say he was the funniest person they knew. Saying that when his dad died he could cover that with jokes he had no way of dealing with it. Thats why we accepted it when he moved to his mums, we thought he was sorting himself out grieving properly so that he could be himself again.

And in doing that- he forgot to grieve himself. It doesn't sound weird at all Gem. But the man clearly has deep, deep grieving issues. And maybe by 'being himself' it means he no longer wants to live with someone whom he is no longer 'in love' with.

Whilst I'm not agreeing with what he's done...I can understand it. You will in time I hope. But please look at never having him around again, never being able to pick up the phone again, all because of anger. It'd be just dreadful.

gingin_2

To me, it sounds like you are more angry at the break-up of the "perfect" family unit, rather than being angry at your father for having an affair. I say that also because it sounds like a similar thing with the sister/cousin.

There is nothing wrong with feeling that about your father at the moment, but be careful that your personal feelings don't become unnecessarily destructive and also that your strong feelings don't rub off on the rest of the family, if they are not as opinionated as you.

I think you have brushed off some constructive comments here as criticism, that's okay, because you have just had a big shock, but you should probably read this thread back in a few weeks time when hopefully your emotions will have settled down and you can look at things from all perspectives.

GemBlueTopaz1984

my annoyance was mostly that some people choose to pull me down on my grammer and spellimg and education when clearly that had nothing to do with my problem, Your right about not wanting the family broken up it was hard losing my sister and it was a long time after she hurt the family that I felt I could contact her. I just rememberthe xmas's birthdays and bbqs that will never be the same because of this, the laughing and joking, the comically compititions between my mum and dad on the wii to see who was better at fake archery or bowling. The jokes at the dinner table with my dad making fun of my mum is the custard was too thin or the yorkshire were over done (not in a nasty way said in jest to make ever her laugh) It's just hard to let go of the family life we had up until recently.

daska

@£($*&"£$(%&"£ lost my post!!!!!

You know what they say about comedians - very often the jokes and the laughter hide sadness and pain. If, as a family, you are all so strongly opinionated then that is not a welcoming atmosphere for anyone who has let you down. So if he is suffering then you need to make that extra effort to allow him back. Nothing in your early posts gave any indication that your attitude was transitory, you even went as far as to give examples of having cut people off completely which you later back-tracked on. So how should people guess that there's a softer side to you? Having married into a family where people get given no second chance I know the hard way that there are people who are genuinely as hard you presented yourself in your first few posts.

Ring him, be nice, do your best to give him the time, space and understanding he needs. Being 'in love' is very different from loving someone and, crucially, is far more powerful in the short term. I hope you love your dad enough to see him for what he is: human, with feet of clay, like all the rest of us... and then discover that you love him despite all his flaws.

sazzybum

GemBlueTopaz1984 wrote: »

my annoyance was mostly that some people choose to pull me down on my grammer and spellimg and education when clearly that had nothing to do with my problem, Your right about not wanting the family broken up it was hard losing my sister and it was a long time after she hurt the family that I felt I could contact her. I just rememberthe xmas's birthdays and bbqs that will never be the same because of this, the laughing and joking, the comically compititions between my mum and dad on the wii to see who was better at fake archery or bowling. The jokes at the dinner table with my dad making fun of my mum is the custard was too thin or the yorkshire were over done (not in a nasty way said in jest to make ever her laugh) It's just hard to let go of the family life we had up until recently.

And that's a natural part of YOUR grieving process. You're grieving for the old family life...you'll still have the crap custard, the barbeques etc- they'll just be different, and you'll adjust.

It's a cliche, but these things happen every day, all around the world, and everyone eventually recovers. Not saying it's easy-it's really really not (as Paddysmum said) but with time, patience AND commitment-you'll all get through it.

RAS

I knew someone who used to get very upset when his biscuit broke, even though he was about to eat it. We could not put his biscuit back together again however much we wanted to.

You biscuit is broken, neither we, you or your parents can put it together again but it will still taste OK, if you try it.

gingin_2

Ignore the comments about grammar and spelling.

THe last part of your last post brought a lump to my throat but does make me think that maybe you and your mum should hold off discusing any finances and worrying about the house for a few weeks until the whole situation has sunk in.

Going back to your first post :-

Your mum should surely be entitled to a good settlement. They are married, your Dad earns 100k plus and there is a child in full time education, so maintenance will be paid. They must have some decent savings and a pension if he was earning that much? Your Mum will be entitled to her share of that too?.So part time job (£500?), plus money from sister (£225), plus maintenance (I dunno,£800 - £1,000 a month?), plus child benefit (£80) means your Mum will have, at a guess £1800 a month without increasing her hours at work. Is that do-able to live on?

Think really hard about your relationship with your Dad. He doesn't sound like a totally bad egg if he raised you as his own from a baby. What he's done is wrong but maybe in time he and your Mum can get on. How long has he been with the new girlfriend? Is it really going to last?

My parents always appeared to have the perfect marriage, but according to my brother, my father did a similar thing with the secretary at a similar age. I dunno what happens to some men when they hit 40. it's like the p*n*s and the brain stop engaging.

Savvy_Sue

GemBlueTopaz1984 wrote: »

all I can think about is what we will never have again the loss of the family as I had known it my whole life and how it will be so different from now on when all I want is to go back to the way it was before.

Sorry, life changes, life goes on, you can't go back, so you have to grit your teeth and go forward.

gingin wrote: »

I dunno what happens to some men when they hit 40. it's like the p*n*s and the brain stop engaging.

And in some men, it never starts to engage!