Help for my mum please!!!!!

chesky369

Yes, mum must get a solicitor BUT IT'S MUM WHO HAS TO DO IT not her teenage daughter.

GemBlueTopaz1984

i'm not a teenager i'm 25 and even though family law isn't my area of expertise I do have a law degree so everyone is looking at me to set this in motion which if the reason i was asking on here aswell as researching elsewhere. My mum will be entitled to at least 50% of the house but we just didn't want her to have to sell the home she loves and uproot the family she has left on the other hand there is no way she herself could afford to run the place on her wages the mortgage payments alone are alot more than she earns. At the moment my mum is still indenial that he will snap out of it realise what he has done and come back with his tail between his legs so all she is doing is finishing off the decorating he asked her to start so they could sell the house ( she believed they were going to buy his mother house), Honestly if the man I knew as my dad a year ago got in a time machine and saw himself today I guarentee he would be shocked disgusted and hate himself, he is not that man anymore, he is not my dad its a truth we are starting to come to terms with, my mum thinks he will change back, i'm just not so sure.

floss2

TBH, having lost both my parents and not really griving for my father in 1991 until my mother's death in 2005, I think your father should be given some allowance for his behaviour. Grief is a very powerful emotion and can affect ones judgement and behaviour in quite radical ways, Alexander McQueen for example.

Has your mother spoken to her mortgage company yet? She needs to let them know that the payment may not be made ASAP.
Has your mother arranged a solicitor's appointment yet? Is there a family law service where you work?
Has your mother checked to see if she is entitled to any tax credits now the household income has changed?
Have you started to do more practical things to help your mother? Such as finding a solicitor - if you work in the law then you should be able to find one who specialises in family law.

jewelly

floss2 wrote: »

TBH, having lost both my parents and not really griving for my father in 1991 until my mother's death in 2005, I think your father should be given some allowance for his behaviour. Grief is a very powerful emotion and can affect ones judgement and behaviour in quite radical ways, Alexander McQueen for example.

I definitely agree with this viewpoint. If the Dad's character has totally changed in the ways described, then that reinforces it for me.

cheepskate_2

Love is also a very powerful emotion and maybe he is in Love. Maybe the new girlfriend accepts that at times he will make mistakes and not be cast out for them.

Just my thoughts on this topic.

When anyone seems to do wrong you cast them out even in their time of need.

paddy's_mum

What I'm 'hearing' is not anger, nor huge distress for your mother, nor unshed tears for the loss to you of the loving picture you held of your father for so many years.

What I'm hearing is only a fraction short of outright hate!

I hope to high heaven that your mother never crosses you if this is how you react when people fail to live up to the standard you expect and demand of them.

Has it occurred to you yet that perhaps your father ran away rather than even attempt to reason things out with the family, at least one of whom seems incapable of feeling even a smidgin of compassion.

Secret infidelity and the destruction of a marriage is a terrible thing to behold but I suggest that your degree is in the wrong subject if you think that your present conduct towards your sister/cousin and father is justice in operation.

For your own sake, as well as that of your mother and your siblings, I hope you can get past this overwhelming sense of outrage and shine a little bit of calm commonsense on a very difficult situation.

christmas_carole

rustynails wrote: »

Now pull the other one.

Or have standards dropped that much?:eek:

Just what I was thinking, :rotfl:

delain

^^ me too.

To gain a law degree you would need a good grasp of formal writing, if i got a letter from a lawyer as garbled as your post, and with an almost complete lack of grammar and punctuation it would go straight in the bin.

Your Dad is grieving, this is a matter for him and your mum not for you.

No wonder your Mum doesnt want to talk about it if you're spitting this sort of bile at her too.

My Dad left my Mum when I was 4 for someone else, and he got in touch with me 2 years ago, after 20 years of total silence and not so much as a christmas card. He lied to the CSA, and paid nothing. My mum became and alcoholic and I went to hell and back with her through my adolescence, and her various men, and I know damn well social services would have contacted my Dad and he did nothing.

But guess what? I still talk to him, he is part of my Family.

Life's too bl00dy short it really is. I hope you realise this before you waste your whole life on bitterness.

paddy's_mum

I've gone back through this thread and there's one aspect that comes roaring off the page.

In every descriptive passage, there is one or more references to Dad being a changed man since his own father died. References are made to not being himself, Grandma wanted him to get counselling, we all thought he was grieving, this isn't a person we recognise, if he comes to his senses, spending a lot of time at the grave, believed he'd had a breakdown, thought he might be suicidal ....

Yet it doesn't seem to have occurred to the daughters that their father may in fact be a very sick man indeed. Tell me, OP, how many "expletives" would you hurl at him if he wandered off into the snow in his pyjamas because Alzheimer's rendered him unable to deal with life?

That's probably not the case, and he may indeed be kicking over all the moral traces but frankly, it's sheer stupidity to be openly taking sides. Nowhere can I see any indication whatever of even the barest attempt to understand. Has it occurred to you yet that even if he does want to come home, your deep animosity and arrogant stance may actually prevent him even attempting a reconciliation? Why are you so proud of being so intolerant and unforgiving?

OP - what're you going to do if your parents reconcile and your father absolutely refuses to have anything further to do with you, bars you from the house - in short, says of you what you said in this thread "dead to the family"? For your sake, I hope that he proves more willing to forgive than you are.

I'm sorry for the hurt this situation is causing to each of you but I can't do worse than suggest you consider the do as you would be done by of your own words. "he made his choice now he suffers the consequences".

You are on dangerous ground and your refusal to even consider forgiveness may do more to destroy your family than your father's infidelity. Think on it, eh?

sparrer

'Call us callous but it would be the first time we have shut out a family member,i had another sister who at 16 ran off with a 40 year old married man 2 years ago, not seen her since and wouldn't want to she is dead to the family and now so is he'
You're callous.

'the reason we don't speak to the other sister (technically not a sister but a cousin who my parents took in from social services aged 3 and raised her as their own) isn't so much because she ran off with a 40 year old man she was 15 when is started as far as we were concered he was in ther wrong not her, She did a runner with him a couple of weeks before her 16th birthday so we got the police involved'
My DD did something similar but we accepted the man into our home and she soon saw he wasn't right for her. Kids, especially teenage ones, will do the opposite to what their family tells them!

'as far as we were concered he was in ther wrong not her'
yet you say she is dead to you...

'She told the police that because she knew if they sent her home my parent would do everything they could to keep them seperate. Needless to say she did a runner with him on her 16th birthday that is why we don't speak to her.'
She 'did a runner' you make it sound kike she was a criminal. Poor little girl, for that's all she was at 16. Lost her parents then got excluded from your family for taking up with the wrong man

As had been said, I'd leave your mother to handle her separation and be there in the background to support if need be, but she certainly doesn't need your venom at this crucial time..