Help for my mum please!!!!!

Caroline73_2

GemBlueTopaz1984 wrote: »

i'm sorry if I came across violent, it wasn't my intention. I am hurt and upset but because my mum need me right now I can't sit and cry infront of her and I probably shouldn't be sat here at work crying but i just can't seem to stop, all I can think about is what we will never have again the loss of the family as I had known it my whole life and how it will be so different from now on when all I want is to go back to the way it was before. even though he only rang my mum on friday to tell her I haven't actually seem my dad in weeks because he told his mum he wasn't up to seeing any of the older kids but he saw the two youngest and my niece a couple of times, after he told my mum the only one he contacted to say sorry is the youngest, that in itself was really hurtful like we weren't important enough. God I hate crying I rarely do it and now my boss wants a word because I can't stop

You don't seem to get that it is about your fathers grief? Maybe he didn't feel like he was supported by your mum and his older children.

You said in an earlier post that your mum thought they were happy. How can half of a partnership believe everything is ok when it isn't for the other half? I makes me think she wasn't aware of what was going on in the relationship or with your fathers feelings concerning his grief.

GemBlueTopaz1984

we did our best, we didn't really know how to take him with this sort of emotional stuff he would never open up he never wanted to talk about it, he talked to my mum abit about it how it was affecting him but he wouldn't let us help he was stubbon when it came to getting help. before xmas he was ill an we begged and pleaded for him to go to the doctor offered to drive him demanded he go anything but he refused saying he would be ok until he ended up collapsing in pain and had to be taken by ambulance whilst at work. Even then he didn't want anyone to know he only rang me cos he would be late home because of it, I drove in a blizzard for 2 hours to get to the hospital to make sure he was ok and to bring him home so I don't really see what we could have done to help him with his grief we were there for him but what more can you do I couldn't change what happened. What did we do wrong, we lost him too.

daska

GemBlueTopaz1984 wrote: »

What did we do wrong, we lost him too.

you've already answered this question in your earlier posts:

GemBlueTopaz1984 wrote: »

my dad knew what would happen if he left my family, i know this might not seem normal to some of you people but we do pick an side and we have my mothers, His choose to leave my family knowing full well we would never forgive him so as far as we are concerned his decision was made knowing the consequences so there is no way he would even expect us to speak to him which is why after he rang my mum to tell her he has not contacted any of us except the youngest who literally and in a very concise text called him a hypocrite alot of expletives and told him as far as she was concerned he was dead to her and the rest of us. if they do reconcile which my mum currently believes is the only possible outcome, we would never trust him not to hurt her i personally would want to avoid him at all costs and would only visit my mother when she was alone. However i don't think he will he did this know really there was no going back maybe with mum but he know not with the rest of us

If he knew when he left that you would "never speak to him" and has been told explicitly and extremely rudely that he "is dead to" you all then why on earth would you expect him to contact you or attempt to talk with you about anything at all?

Sorry, you've made this situation for yourselves, you're the ones that have to make the effort.

paddy's_mum

You're crying? Something got through to you, did it? Halleluja!!

Perhaps now you'll feel low enough to climb down off that sanctimonious, unforgiving pinnacle and start to think about the welfare of every single person caught up in this disaster. In your fury, have you given him any credit for having married very young (aged just 20?) worked hard, provided handsomely for you all, and been an exemplary husband and father until now? You think he's an idiot who has dirtied every last aspect of your lives. Perhaps the other woman sees a man who as a result of his grief and the new understanding it has brought him, has broken out of the rut of other people's needs, pities him his human failings and loves him because of them.

I so understand how it feels to believe that you've lost a father you revered and honoured but you're missing a massively obvious point. With just a little tolerance, just a little less of your own sense of injury, just a smidgin of allowing natural love to overcome your anger, just a fraction of forgiveness of human failing, you can build a new relationship with your father. THe new relationship may be different, it may be a huge effort to get it off the ground, it may feel disloyal to your mother at first (though I bet she'll do her damnedest to encourage it) it may go against the grain of your own ideas of morality, but the alternative you have stated that you propose is harsh, unrewarding and divisive. Why on earth do you want to foment unhappiness and discord where it can be avoided?

It's all raw at the moment. Everyone is running round yelling and adopting an entrenched position, leaving themselves and everyone involved no room whatever for manouevre. That's sheer madness and you, more than most, should know that Judges don't like litigants who choose to obstruct any attempt to negotiate a just and reasonable settlement - and you also know that their judgements reflect an element of punishment for so doing. In this case, it's you who is litigating and if you keep on like this, you'll lose as well as having to meet all the costs.

All this animosity is not helping anyone, least of all yourself. Get down off the moral high ground and work towards healing all this hurt. I sympathise with your distress at the disintegration of your family but I also feel compelled to point out that your immaturity is showing. Hope things improve soon.

daska

It's probably worth pointing out that if all your siblings react in the same way then you are likely to have learnt this behaviour from a parent/parents. So you all have a lot to re-learn and this may be very difficult for you. But learning this lesson now, especially for the youngest, will be very beneficial. It might be worth asking for some family counselling.

Even the Simpsons are less dysfunctional as a family!

GemBlueTopaz1984

Right now that the anger and shock of the situation has subsided, I would like to address a few issues. Firstly thankyou to all those who wrote kind and helpful words, it really is appreciated.
Secondly to those who wrote hurtful, sometimes nasty messages, is say,
my nasty word were said in anger, frustration and dispare at the situation I found myself in, your nasty words and opinions of me were not helpful, made me cry and hurt my feelings. Why when it's clear that a person is venting anger at something that has happened, at the person who caused it, do you feel it is acceptable to judge and rip to shreds a person that is already in pieces. Did you think that my reaction to this extreme unexpected event somehow defines me as a human being, that I might think like this in everyday life well I don't I normally can rationally see both sides to an argument but when it is this close to home emotion will always overrule rational thought. I felt I made it clear that I had never been through anything like this and although initially I was just looking for advice on my mothers legal standpoint regarding the home she loves I ended up opening up a bit and displaying some of the emotional stuff I normally keep to myself and deal with alone. I regret posting this because it has only caused me further upset.
One thing I should probably say is that regarding the sister who left, I do speak to her still, so does my mother and one of my sister, the other two and my dad disowned her my dad even tore her out of the family photo he placed. I only told you that to show that sometimes a family cannot get over the hurt caused by a member, that in life it does not always come good in the end and even though I am no long writing with the anger in my heart the I had the first couple of days I still cannot see myself creating any sort of relationship with a person who choose to create so much hurt amongst the people I love the most, whether that person raised me or not. I might be wrong about that but I doubt it.

With regards to those who wonder whether this is grief, Honestly I think that it is part of it. Truthfully as much as it hurts to say I don't think he was in love with my mother anymore. Even thought they only got married a couple of years ago he obviously didn't feel that way about her anymore, He loves her or so he is still saying and I think the reason this didn't happen earlier is because he was happy dispite not being in love, he had a wife who love him and he loved and a close family that loved being together and I think he felt that that was enough. I think when his dad died he decided that he wanted more than a wife he just loved and that is where this other women come in to it. So I am not saying that I can't see both sides I just don't want it to be true.

He has promised my mum that he hadn't decided to leave her when he moved to his mothers a month ago, when he promised her that it wasn't about her that his head was messed up about his dad, I think he set himself apart to give himself some time to decide what he wanted my mum and his family or a new life with this other women and he chose her. I can't change that, I will at some point have to accept that is what has happened. Its depressing that things won't ever be the way they were before but honestly it is my mum i need to concentrate on helping pick up the pieces. Again thank you to all those who attempted to pick me up off the floor in this very difficult time.

paddy's_mum

...and who are you to think that you could get through life without pain, regret or shame. In the end, perhaps it is those things that are the most use to you.

From South Riding by Winifred Holtby.

sazzybum

GemBlueTopaz1984 wrote: »

Right now that the anger and shock of the situation has subsided, I would like to address a few issues. Firstly thankyou to all those who wrote kind and helpful words, it really is appreciated.
Secondly to those who wrote hurtful, sometimes nasty messages, is say,
my nasty word were said in anger, frustration and dispare at the situation I found myself in, your nasty words and opinions of me were not helpful, made me cry and hurt my feelings. Why when it's clear that a person is venting anger at something that has happened, at the person who caused it, do you feel it is acceptable to judge and rip to shreds a person that is already in pieces. Did you think that my reaction to this extreme unexpected event somehow defines me as a human being, that I might think like this in everyday life well I don't I normally can rationally see both sides to an argument but when it is this close to home emotion will always overrule rational thought. I felt I made it clear that I had never been through anything like this and although initially I was just looking for advice on my mothers legal standpoint regarding the home she loves I ended up opening up a bit and displaying some of the emotional stuff I normally keep to myself and deal with alone. I regret posting this because it has only caused me further upset.
One thing I should probably say is that regarding the sister who left, I do speak to her still, so does my mother and one of my sister, the other two and my dad disowned her my dad even tore her out of the family photo he placed. I only told you that to show that sometimes a family cannot get over the hurt caused by a member, that in life it does not always come good in the end and even though I am no long writing with the anger in my heart the I had the first couple of days I still cannot see myself creating any sort of relationship with a person who choose to create so much hurt amongst the people I love the most, whether that person raised me or not. I might be wrong about that but I doubt it.

With regards to those who wonder whether this is grief, Honestly I think that it is part of it. Truthfully as much as it hurts to say I don't think he was in love with my mother anymore. Even thought they only got married a couple of years ago he obviously didn't feel that way about her anymore, He loves her or so he is still saying and I think the reason this didn't happen earlier is because he was happy dispite not being in love, he had a wife who love him and he loved and a close family that loved being together and I think he felt that that was enough. I think when his dad died he decided that he wanted more than a wife he just loved and that is where this other women come in to it. So I am not saying that I can't see both sides I just don't want it to be true.

He has promised my mum that he hadn't decided to leave her when he moved to his mothers a month ago, when he promised her that it wasn't about her that his head was messed up about his dad, I think he set himself apart to give himself some time to decide what he wanted my mum and his family or a new life with this other women and he chose her. I can't change that, I will at some point have to accept that is what has happened. Its depressing that things won't ever be the way they were before but honestly it is my mum i need to concentrate on helping pick up the pieces. Again thank you to all those who attempted to pick me up off the floor in this very difficult time.

My first point Gem- is that you said that the 'sister is dead to us now', which we (or I...wouldn't like to talk for anyone else here) took to mean that NO-ONE spoke to her

My second point is integrated with the third...When his dad died, maybe he decided that life was too short to be with someone he didn't love. Reminded him of his own mortality. I know when my mother died years ago, it gave me a jolt to get out of my loveless marriage, before it was too late. It could be the same thing.

What I do know is that no matter what- he's your dad, who has loved, cared and looked after you for years, and surely now, in his time of turmoil needs the support of his daughter.

I'm not being nasty, these are just my personal observations....from one who's been there.

GemBlueTopaz1984

My dad told my mum only yesterday that he loved her but just wasn't inlove with her, my mother said she would understand him leaving if he didn't love her but he is adament that he does but he is IN love with this other women so it wasn't a loveless marriage it was just not the right type of love. Stating that she is dead to us now, within the family we don't talk about her is almost as if she never existed, It do talk to her over facebook but because my dad was so against it we just never talk ablut what happened so it is like she is dead. My point with that was that people can cut off a family member and get on with their lives without them, alot of people were saying that I wouldn't beable to cut my dad out of my life, the point was people do I've seen it. I get your point about my dad finding his own mortality, but did he had to cheat lie and hurt the family this way, no if he decided he didn't want to be a part of the family why didn't he leave before he started a relationship with someone else. That is what I can't forgive him for, my biological father did this to my mum 25 years ago when left her for her best friend, so my dad knows how hard it was for her, they met about a year after he left and he raise me and my sister who were 1 and 3 at the time as his own and he was our dad even if not biologically. I know I am lucky not to have had something this terrible happen in the family before the age of 25 but it doesn't make it easier that it has. Why do you feel that he needs us now, he clearly has doesn't need us or he wouldn't have done this and risked loosing us would he?

sazzybum

I love a lot of people, but aren't IN love with them... that would be a dreadful way to live for both your dad, AND your mum.. would she be happy with half measures?

I don't have a simple answer to your dad starting with someone else before leaving-possible because he was scared to be alone? He probably knew by past experiences that you and the family would cut him out-so he needed someone, hence the 'cheating, lying' etc...as I said before this is my observation-not gospel.

Of COURSE he needs you- he's lost his father, but in a more final way than you have, you have a chance to TRY-he doesn't any more. Something tells me his father was a strict man, someone who's word was law, was unemotional, and your father has followed suit, until he's seen what it's like without him. I understand you're angry, sad and everything else....but I honestly don't think for a minute this decision by him was taken lightly.

Your mother needs you, but you have 2 parents, there are 2 sides-not just one.