Help for my mum please!!!!!

C_Mababejive

Dont you think its a little insulting to explain away dads behaviour as a typical mid life crisis?

This is the man who has worked hard to bring you all up,house,clothe and feed you all in the manner to which you have become accustomed and now it is all ending,the only thing that seems important is to how to scheme to keep milking him?

Maybe he felt taken for granted and need to actually grab a slice of life for himself before he rests in his coffin?

Maybe you should have an honest chat with him to see how he feels?

He is an individual..a human being..with a right to life just like the rest of you.

Not a cash cow.

mountainofdebt

C_Mababejive wrote: »

Dont you think its a little insulting to explain away dads behaviour as a typical mid life crisis?

This is the man who has worked hard to bring you all up,house,clothe and feed you all in the manner to which you have become accustomed and now it is all ending,the only thing that seems important is to how to scheme to keep milking him?

Maybe he felt taken for granted and need to actually grab a slice of life for himself before he rests in his coffin?

Maybe you should have an honest chat with him to see how he feels?

He is an individual..a human being..with a right to life just like the rest of you.

Not a cash cow.

You're right he's not a cash cow and yes he may see at his last chance of getting a life (though I would ask what he's been experiencing for the last 25 yrs) but surely the honourable thing to do in that circumstance would be to talk to his wife, tell her how he feels and then leave.....rather than move in with another woman after telling his wife that he wasn't coming home and then the wife finds out the relationship has been going on for some time.

The family would still have been heartbroken but at least he could have been honest with them rather than be devious.

GemBlueTopaz1984

who said i want anything as far as i'm concerned he betrayed my family, this is a man who could state enough how wrong adultery was yes he raised us but he then chose some women knowing full well it meant the none of us would ever want anything to do with him. Call us callous but it would be the first time we have shut out a family member,i had another sister who at 16 ran off with a 40 year old married man 2 years ago, not seen her since and wouldn't want to she is dead to the family and now so is he. I have no intention of chatting with him i don't need to know why he has done what he has done. I don't need anything off him. However I want to make sure my mum doesn't suffer more than she has, he made his choice now he suffers the consequences which include making sure my mother isn't thrown out onto the street because of his decision and not a typical mid life crisis, seriously are you kidding me he even got a giant tattoo which he was totally against and bought a Harley Davison, I think he's a sports car away from becoming the benchmark which all other mid life crisis are measured against. My mothers life fell down around her yesterday and my view of normality dissappeared so yes i want to punish him but what do you think i would get FYI my parents stopped clothing me at 14 i worked all through my education including putting my self through uni so did my older sister we both have decent jobs and our own homes so we wouldn't get a thing from him nor would we accept it if he tried, my concern is my mother and two sisters and niece who were dependant on him emotionally and financially.

BitterAndTwisted

The immediate aftermath of receiving devastating news can make us behave in ways we might question or come to regret a long time later on. I know this from personal experience after being in a similar situation to the one you find yourself in now. I would counsel you against appearing to take sides in this, I really would. This is a situation which is between your parents and it is one that they should attempt to resolve between them. Easier said than done, I know. You haven't spoken to your father about any of this and it sounds to me like his decision to end his marriage has not been an easy one but this is no consolation whatsoever to the deserted party, I acknowledge. Your parent's marriage is their own private business really and it's not for you to judge because you cannot know what has been going on between them.

Help your mother to focus on the practical side of things and please try not to feed the fire of her anger and resentment. If they do reconcile later once the dust has settled this would put you in a very difficult position indeed.

GemBlueTopaz1984

my dad knew what would happen if he left my family, i know this might not seem normal to some of you people but we do pick an side and we have my mothers, His choose to leave my family knowing full well we would never forgive him so as far as we are concerned his decision was made knowing the consequences so there is no way he would even expect us to speak to him which is why after he rang my mum to tell her he has not contacted any of us except the youngest who literally and in a very concise text called him a hypocrite alot of expletives and told him as far as she was concerned he was dead to her and the rest of us. if they do reconcile which my mum currently believes is the only possible outcome, we would never trust him not to hurt her i personally would want to avoid him at all costs and would only visit my mother when she was alone. However i don't think he will he did this know really there was no going back maybe with mum but he know not with the rest of us

oliviasmummy

Hi i just wanted to say Im really sorry for what your going through at the moment and I think your Mum is very lucky to have a daughter like you who cares. I know your angry at the moment which is understandable I think I could have wrote this myslef if this were my parents. I think your mum needs to speak to a solicitor ASAP as she would be entitled to a large % of the house if this was sold. I believe she can stay their with your sister till she finishes full time education. Now I know not all cases are the same but as an example to you I know a couple who have seperated in the last 12months. Otherway roudn than your situation (she left him for another man) been together for 25years married for 23years. They are currently going through a divorce the husband lives in the house still with their 2sons is and always has been the big earner not as much as £100k but £65-£70k income. She has always worked part time and is entitled to either 50 % share in the house and part fo his pension or a larger sum of the house sale and no pension. Obviously roles are reversed on this and the man is getting the short straw when he hasnt done anything wrong. I believe for some reason the women seem to get the best deal regardless. I mean she was the on who left but is entitled to more?.

Has your mum always worked part time had low income because she took care of you and your siblings?. I believe she would get a good deal out of the house if it were to eventually be sold. She could also take claim of any pension he may have as she would have benefited from this if they had stayed together.

I hope this helps. As Ive said Im no expert just giving an example and from alot of people I know who have seperated recently its always gone in the womens favour (however wrong that may be) regardless to who has left.

hugs to and your family.

foxy-roxy

My parents split up when i was about 11, it was my mum who left my dad as she was very young when she had me and my sister, and went on a wild partying spree.
I hated her for it, she hurt my dad, took the house, car, money everything. My dad was living on a freinds settee and when he got his own place i went to live with him.
As the years went on my mum got her partying out of her system and was left with nothing, lost the house, her job and had a complete breakdown, and do you no what, i was there for her, as much as the hurt she caused she is still my mum and she is still a human being with a right to do what she wants with her life.
The only good thing that came from it was that i have learnt from her mistakes as she has herself and is now the perfect mother.
My parents are the best of friends now and the divorce was the best thing they ever did.

I really think you should meet your dad in a neutral place and hear his side of things, there must be a reason for all of this. You need both sides of the story before you can judge.

BitterAndTwisted

I reiterate my earlier advice which was "Help your mother to focus on the practical side of things and please try not to feed the fire of her anger and resentment."

Your mother needs to seek the advice of a good solicitor and so speaks a person who saw her own mother completely shafted financially and treated in the most despicable way by someone who was supposed to have loved her for decades.

Please try to not disregard my other advice about being seen to take sides in this awful situation, it does no-one any good in the long-term and could handicap your mother's attempts to get on with her life as an independent woman. So speaks a woman who has also witnessed this first-hand. It's a totally horrible and distressing time for all concerned and you do have my complete and utter sympathy

chesky369

...had another sister who at 16 ran off with a 40 year old married man 2 years ago, not seen her since and wouldn't want to she is dead to the family ...

Blimey - you're an unforgiving lot aren't you? I hope you never make any major mistake - you won't be able to live with yourself.

In the meantime, why don't you let your mother deal with this, it's now beginning to sound as though you're taking over.

DX2

chesky369 wrote: »

...had another sister who at 16 ran off with a 40 year old married man 2 years ago, not seen her since and wouldn't want to she is dead to the family ...

Blimey - you're an unforgiving lot aren't you? I hope you never make any major mistake - you won't be able to live with yourself.

In the meantime, why don't you let your mother deal with this, it's now beginning to sound as though you're taking over.

Immature springs to mind.