1st baby on the way and MIL's smoking

jellyhead

why would she be looking after your baby anyhow?Are you relying on her for childcare? If that's the case then find another childcare provider where there are no cats, and staff have to follow strict procedures if they've been outside for a smoke break.

If it's not for childcare, then don't leave your baby with her. You don't have to leave your baby with anyone, surely?

There are cat nets you can get for cots or cribs if needs be, and she may follow your rules about what she needs to do after smoking. Otherwise, just don't leave the baby in her care. Stay there when she's visiting or you're visiting her. If she smokes in her own house then I'd not take my baby there, but that's just me - the smell of smoke makes me ill and smoke is my worst asthma trigger.

Oh, forgot to say, ex-BIL was also told to change his shirt, if the shirt was his only clothing while he smoked (in summer), otherwise to remove his top layer (jumper or coat) before touching the baby.

red_devil

jemw wrote: »

Hi All

Just looking for a little advice really ...

Hubby and I have our first baby on the way. The pregnancy was planned and the baby is very, very wanted. After an extremely traumatic first 22 weeks (several threatened miscarriages, etc), we heard the great news that baby was developing well and everything seems to be going okay.

So, the conundrum! Hubby and I don't smoke - in fact, we really, really hate it (sorry if that causes offence to you). MIL smokes, a lot. Whilst we don't want to say she must quit smoking (this is not our decision, or really not our intention), we do have big concerns about her smoking before handling the baby.

I know she won't smoke in front of the baby, but I know for a fact she will have a cigarette and then come into our home/hospital/whereever and expect to handle the baby. When she is at our home or if we are out for a meal (or even if we are at hers), nothing stops her from smoking. She will go out for a cigarette if we are between courses / being served in a restaurant etc.

We're concerned about third hand smoke and the possible effects on the baby. It might be silly, but we just basically don't want her to smoke immediately before handling the baby. We're not really comfortable with the baby being in her house, due to the fact it stinks of smoking. Also, if she is looking after the baby, is she going to A) smoke in front of the baby or leave the baby (with three cats who rule the roost) and go outside /into another room to have one?

Unfortunately for us, she absolutely point blank refuses to acknowledge that smoking is bad for her and the people around her. She has a major hang up whenever a smoking conversation is initiated and can actually come out with really nasty comments (such as, "I quit smoking and my babies still died" - she had a few miscarriages herself, and this was said when we were waiting to find out if our pregnancy was still viable).

Anyways, I know this is a really long post and I've mumbled and mumbled, but I suppose what I am asking is a suitable way around approaching this subject with her. I know it's Hubby's job, as it's his mom, but he can be less than subtle, so I just don't want it to be a huge argument. Also, I can us not being able to 'stick to our guns' or alternatively, she will agree and say 'oh of course', but when it comes to the crunch, she just won't take any notice.

Can anyone please offer any advice?

:(:(

Tell her. I know someone who told her sister she didnt want her smoking around the baby or before she handled the baby etc? Mil will have to accept it?

jellyhead

jamespir wrote: »

a smoker touching a baby wont harm it if she breaths smoke over the baby thats a different thing

stop being so paranoid and enjoy your pregnancy

She's not being paranoid - she's responding to the enormous amount of information and pressure that the NHS pushes on pregnant women. She will have been given information that clearly states that a smoker is still harmfull to her baby even after they have stubbed out their cigarette. Smoke doesn't just rise into the air. Harmful chemicals linger on fingers, hair, clothes etc.

Do you think she should ignore medical advice? The midwives and doctors she sees will ask her every time they see her if she knows any smokers and if she realises how harmful they might be to her baby. She is just following advice on how to protect her baby, that's all?

jellyhead

red_devil wrote: »

Tell her. I know someone who told her sister she didnt want her smoking around the baby or before she handled the baby etc? Mil will have to accept it?

Hopefully MIL will accept it, and will follow any rules that the parents set down, then everyone will be happy :T

Perhaps the OP could start early by passing on leaflets about the dangers of smoking, and get guidelines directly from the professionals as to what steps MIL needs to take to make sure her smoking doesn't affect the baby.

jamespir

jellyhead wrote: »

She's not being paranoid - she's responding to the enormous amount of information and pressure that the NHS pushes on pregnant women. She will have been given information that clearly states that a smoker is still harmfull to her baby even after they have stubbed out their cigarette. Smoke doesn't just rise into the air. Harmful chemicals linger on fingers, hair, clothes etc.

Do you think she should ignore medical advice? The midwives and doctors she sees will ask her every time they see her if she knows any smokers and if she realises how harmful they might be to her baby. She is just following advice on how to protect her baby, that's all?

they dont make that big a deal about it yes its not good to smoke round a baby and im sure its mentioned once or twice not to smoke round the baby just as a precaution
but its not going to kill it just because she might have had a crafty cigarette before she babysits

im sure i'd be more worried if the mother was an raving alcholic

red_devil

its up to the poster their baby they make the rules.

Perhaps its the push mil needs to give up cant be a bad thing! She is not likely to regret it?

atwitsend_2

My midwife smokes in her car before she comes inside my house and holds my baby, she doesnt wash her hands :S she does always suck a mint though...

Indie_Kid

jamespir wrote: »

they dont make that big a deal about it yes its not good to smoke round a baby and im sure its mentioned once or twice not to smoke round the baby just as a precaution
but its not going to kill it just because she might have had a crafty cigarette before she babysits

im sure i'd be more worried if the mother was an raving alcholic

If you're a smoker, you won't understand, but:
The smell is vile.

jemw

Hi Everyone

Thanks for yours replies.

To answer some of the comments;

Yes - the NHS put a tremendous amount of effort into going on and on about smoking when pregnant and if the father or any family members are smoking. I actually feel a little 'pounced' upon and I don't even smoke!!

No, I am not relying on her for childcare, whatsoever. We will be looking after the baby ourselves. When I go back to work, we will hopefully be reducing our hours and baby will be in nursery for two days.

Yes, my husband is alive and didn't die from her smoking - because she quit when pregnant and until he was a few years old. However, on another note, I am one of four children and when we moved in together with my step-dad (who was a smoker, but not in the home) and my younger brother was born, he developed Asthma. My step-dad then quit and a few years later, my youngest brother was born, and he was fine - coincidence? maybe, but not necessarily!

I am sorry if I have offended anyone and you think we are being OTT. However, we cannot help how we feel. I will ask at my next ante natal class about some leaflets / info / precautions we can take and pass these on, hoping it doesn't cause a row.

Washing hands/face, brushing teeth, changing top sounds like great ideas, so we will just have to make sure she is aware of this.

csh_2

I would wait and see what she does when the baby comes. I think you are making too big a deal about it just now. The first time she comes to visit just ask her if she would wash her hands etc or just say she can't hold him/her due to smelling of smoke and I'm sure next time she'll refrain.

If she comes into the hospital reeking of smoke just don't hand the baby over, get your OH to tell her not to smoke before coming in and if she does don't give in. Its really not that hard is it?? I don't think its something you really need to spend the last 4 mths of your pregnancy worrying about

Is this her first grandchild? If it is you can't say for certain what she will/won't do re smoking before holding the baby can you?