1st baby on the way and MIL's smoking

jemw

Hi

Maybe it is something we should just deal with on an ad hoc basis, rather than causing issues / rows beforehand - good idea!

Yes, it's first grandchild.

P.S. my other post wasn't clear, sorry, I don't have 4 months left, it's just that we have only started speaking / thinking about this recently.

fernliebee

jamespir- Actually they do mention it a lot. At every appt so far (and in all literature we have received, and the same 2 yrs ago when I was PG with DD) they have mentioned the harm of smokers around baby (third hand smoke) and I'm only 23 weeks, and I don't smoke. I have told them that although DH smokes a small amount he has to smoke outside, and he washes hands, brushes teeth and waits 20 mins before handling/ playing with DD. He also has a 'smoking coat' (apparently fleece is best as smoke sticks to the surface of it) he removes this and leaves it hanging in our garden shed so he doesn't bring the smell in with him. Despite this, I can still faintly smell the smoke on him when he first comes in and I hate it.

As far as I am concerned, I used to smoke, but gave up a few months before we decided to start trying for DD (20 months.) Now the smell of it disgusts me, but I don't care if people smoke or where particularly, but I won't let my DD or myself be around in a smoky environment, or let someone hold DD (or new baby) if they have been smoking very recently. I don't care if people think I am being over the top or not, my baby, my rules. I am very un-fussy about dirt, crawling on the floor, etc but smoking is one thing that does concern me as it has been proven to be harmful and is entirely avoidable. There is a lot of pollution in the air which is unavoidable, but if I can avoid poisonous chemicals being breathed in by my babies I will do it. I wonder how many people would think it was OK if someone held their baby smelling of paint fumes, or car exhaust fumes etc all equally toxic.

belfastgirl23

I would ask for advice from the HV or midwife and tell MIL that this is where the advice has come from. I would tell the HV/midwife that you're worried about it and see even if there is NHS advice you could print and download. I wouldn't focus just on the smoking but also have lots of info downloaded about cot matresses, drinking etc etc, MIL should understand you being a bit OTT with all of the problems you've had in pregnancy and even if your husband takes her aside and says the he knows you're being very careful and it's because you're so worried and can she please be supportive about it then it's a result for everyone.

It would be awful though for MIL not to be able to build a proper relationship with the baby because of this but it's her choice really IMHO. In your shoes I wouldn't be happy on the baby being in her house either if she's smoking there. And I do generally think it's nice for grandparents to have baby/child to stay once in a while, it gives them alone time and a chance to build an independent relationship with each other.

McKneff

Another one here voting for you being over the top.
Stop worrying about it for now and seeing problems where there may not be any.

Your baby will ingest, in its life, far more toxic substances that some third hand smoke,

car fumes, toilet fumes, dust off the floor when crawling, dust in the air when your dusting, etc. etc.

Chill out and enjoy your pregnancy.
and think first how much you will upset your MIL, she has maybe plans re all this smoking lark that you dont know about.

BritRael

mountainofdebt wrote: »

...must admit though have never heard of third hand smoke...

Not heard of it either But I agree 100% with the OP.
I used to work with a fella who smoked before getting into my vehicle (never in it! ). It used to make me gag. His breath filled the vehicle with this horrible stink. At least I could open the window and exhale a lot, but the poor little babe won't be able to do anything.

smartpicture

I think you're heading for problems if you're the one who speaks to MIL about this, to be honest. It's your husband's job to say what needs saying, and to make it clear that this is what he feels, he's not just being your spokesperson. Otherwise you're the one who's going to get all the flak and resentment, because it doesn't sound like she's going to understand or agree with it at all.

At the end of the day, though, it's no-one else's business even if they do think you're being over the top or unreasonable - this is your baby, and if this is something you and OH feel strongly about, then your rules are the only ones that matter.

You may find your rules relax a bit once the babies born though - or even by the time you have another one. With my first, she wasn't allowed anything sweet or processed and had to wear a hat at all times and I followed every strict rule for baby upbringing. By the time I had my second, I'm afraid things were a lot more relaxed! But that was my choice, and no-one elses.

summerday

I do understand your feelings. When I worked for social services a few years ago there was a rule for foster carers, that if a foster carer smoked, even if only ever outside and not at all in the house or anywhere near others, they were not allowed to foster infants under the age of 2.

Apparently the rule was there because when people smoke the smoke clings to clothes and if they then hold a baby it is possible for baby to inhale the chemicals from clothing when being held.

If children in care are seen as deserving to be protected in this way, why on earth wouldn't any mother want the same for their own child who isn't in care?

bylromarha

If it's any help, I made it clear to step dad that when we came to visit with our newborn 5 years ago, I would be extremely grateful if he would stop smoking inside and go out the back for his fags. Hoped he'd understand, but want to protect the littly as much as we could. Didn't go as far as asking him to change clothes, but he rarely held the babies as it wasn't his way. Had I known then about 3rd hand smoke, I'd have had a think about asking.

He was fine with going outside. He wasn't a tolerable sort of guy for me, but would do anything for his grandkids, so he never once had a fag in his own home when we were visiting. (talking in past tense as the years of smoking took their toll last year)

Had he refused to stop smoking inside, we wouldn't have visited. He knew that too.

Incidentally, mum now with a new man. Mum told him how step dad used to go outside for fags, and new guy does too

jamespir

sh1305 wrote: »

If you're a smoker, you won't understand, but:
The smell is vile.

i dont smoke at all neither does my partner

S1976

Hi, as much as I agree with no smoking around babies or children of any age for that matter, I do think maybe your stressing to much over what might be. I don't allow smoking around my daughters, any family memebers who do smoke do so outdoors, I don't even have to ask. However, when we go shopping, when they go to school, when we go out in fact, anywhere, anyone of those strangers could have 'just' had a cigerette for all I know, and we all know how people love to coo in the buggy or pram over new born babies! As others have said if your MIL is likely to leave the baby with the cats or whatever, then simply never leave her alone with your baby,or your baby in her care, I would be more concerned over that to be truthful. When your little one goes to nursery for those two days you will never know if any of those other children or the carers even come from a smoking environment themselves, if they do the smell and some fumes may be on their clothes I'm afraid. I guess what I'm trying to say is we all want the best for our children but the more you stress over these things the bigger the problem becomes in your head. Chill and enjoy your pregnancy - remember stess itself isn't exactly healthy for the baby either Good luck.