1st baby on the way and MIL's smoking

jemw

Hi All

Just looking for a little advice really ...

Hubby and I have our first baby on the way. The pregnancy was planned and the baby is very, very wanted. After an extremely traumatic first 22 weeks (several threatened miscarriages, etc), we heard the great news that baby was developing well and everything seems to be going okay.

So, the conundrum! Hubby and I don't smoke - in fact, we really, really hate it (sorry if that causes offence to you). MIL smokes, a lot. Whilst we don't want to say she must quit smoking (this is not our decision, or really not our intention), we do have big concerns about her smoking before handling the baby.

I know she won't smoke in front of the baby, but I know for a fact she will have a cigarette and then come into our home/hospital/whereever and expect to handle the baby. When she is at our home or if we are out for a meal (or even if we are at hers), nothing stops her from smoking. She will go out for a cigarette if we are between courses / being served in a restaurant etc.

We're concerned about third hand smoke and the possible effects on the baby. It might be silly, but we just basically don't want her to smoke immediately before handling the baby. We're not really comfortable with the baby being in her house, due to the fact it stinks of smoking. Also, if she is looking after the baby, is she going to A) smoke in front of the baby or leave the baby (with three cats who rule the roost) and go outside /into another room to have one?

Unfortunately for us, she absolutely point blank refuses to acknowledge that smoking is bad for her and the people around her. She has a major hang up whenever a smoking conversation is initiated and can actually come out with really nasty comments (such as, "I quit smoking and my babies still died" - she had a few miscarriages herself, and this was said when we were waiting to find out if our pregnancy was still viable).

Anyways, I know this is a really long post and I've mumbled and mumbled, but I suppose what I am asking is a suitable way around approaching this subject with her. I know it's Hubby's job, as it's his mom, but he can be less than subtle, so I just don't want it to be a huge argument. Also, I can us not being able to 'stick to our guns' or alternatively, she will agree and say 'oh of course', but when it comes to the crunch, she just won't take any notice.

Can anyone please offer any advice?

:(:(

Molly41

You set the ground rules and stick to them - consistently. Its your baby and she has to accept them or realise that she wont have as much contact as she would like. I think you are being very sensible as you probably know it takes twenty minutes before a person who has smoked to stop giving off toxic breath. Glad pregnancy is progressing well x

mountainofdebt

Jem - its your baby so you (and your OH!) set the ground rules so if you don't want her smoking around the baby then tell her (must admit though have never heard of third hand smoke).

tbh if it does cause an arugement then so what ? the facts regarding smoking are well known - in fact they're so well known I'm surprised people still smoke! Also if she agrees but then goes back on her word then you need to stand your ground and carry out your threat - no point in issuing ultimatiums if you're not going to carry them out.

Also I would tell her that on no account is she to leave the baby unprotected with her cats around.......you don't hear of it so often these days but cats have been known to smoother babies - not maliciously - still does it matter ? (And I speak as a mother who had a fright when she found her cat lying next to my son in the cot - still scares me 17 years on as to what could have happened!)

You never know though, the birth of her grandchild might even jolt some common sense into her!

Jem8472

My brother and his wife just had a baby, her mother smokes. When she was visiting she would smoke outside (in the very cold weather) witht he door shut, then after wash her hands and face before going near the baby again.

I am not sure if the smoke smell that smokers have about them is dangerous like the actually smoke but its a good step to take before handling the baby.

pigpen

I'd encourage hands and face to be washed before handling the baby and mae sure she didn't smoke anywhere near the baby.

I'm sure I read somewhere you were meant to wait half an hour after a cigarette before handling a baby.. though I can't for the life of me remember where..

I know exactly where you are coming from though because my OH's mum, and dad.. and sister would be exactly the same.. thankfully they live 100 miles away so I won't have so much of an issue.. and though they smoke in their home they are well aired so the house doesn't stink.

I fully intend to make my feelings be taken into account.. and if they feel they cannot 'comply' as it is my child, if I am in their home I shall simply NOT be in their home.. and in my home, my rules apply.. no questions asked.

I have already said I hate smoking with a passion and the smellactually makes me feel ill and I will not tolerate one of my children being handled by someone who has recently beensmoking.

When my littler ones were small and new we took them to my aunts who smokes like a chimney in a very air-free house.. I took the babies home and immediately changed their clothing and bathed them.. big deal for me as I don't bath mine daily.. but it was dreadful.

You have to make your feelings heard and one way or another keep the baby from their pollutants.

That said.. my dad had 6 children and smoked around all of us and none of us died! lol

elfen

I'd encourage the hand and face washing, and maybe keep a few packs of sugar free mints around to get some of the taint off her. I smoke, but I know I'll give up when I have kids, as I refuse to smoke around them - I won't smoke around my niece.

SugarSpun

I wouldn't let her look after the baby. If you can't trust her not to leave the baby with cats who may injure him accidentally through being interested in him, and you can't trust her not to smoke around him or to wash the smoke off her face and hands, and her house is smoke, then either she can come to your house and smoke outside or you find other arrangements.

As a short term pregnant solution you could just tell her that the smell makes you heave at the moment so would she mind washing it off while you're around.

geri1965_2

I don't smoke myself, but I think you are being completely over the top. I assume she smoked when your OH was a baby and he is OK?

I think it's reasonable not to smoke when children are around but if people want to smoke in their own houses and in between courses in a restaurant, that is up to them.

Having said that it's our baby and if you don't want her looking after it, that is up to you. Be prepared for upset if you tell her this though.

laurz

you are well within your rights to not want her to A -leave the baby so she can smoke and B smoke then handle the baby. I remember having the exact same scenario with the ex's folks. Its funny how protective you become of the baby before it's here but i would really try not to stress too much about it. Maybe let her know that she's stilll exhaling harmful chemicals for upto 30mins after each cigarette too!

I had really stressful starts to my 2nd pregnancy too so i really sympathise!
congrats and i hope it all works out.

jellyhead

Jem8472 wrote: »

My brother and his wife just had a baby, her mother smokes. When she was visiting she would smoke outside (in the very cold weather) witht he door shut, then after wash her hands and face before going near the baby again.

I am not sure if the smoke smell that smokers have about them is dangerous like the actually smoke but its a good step to take before handling the baby.

My sister's ex was also told (by health visitor and a midwife while sister was pregnant) that he must brush his teeth when he comes in after smoking.

These measures are fair enough, and people will be happy to comply, no doubt, if they want to hold your baby.

jamespir

a smoker touching a baby wont harm it if she breaths smoke over the baby thats a different thing

stop being so paranoid and enjoy your pregnancy