Too strict or not?

tandraig

cheepskate wrote: »

But your family home is "her" place but you seem not to be treating her as an equal.

You obviously have a lot of issues in your family if you are having these problems at the lower level of family life .

You have came on and asked for advice, which you have been given lots of just maybe if you act upon it you would not be having these arguments over silly things.

As for the smoking and drinking , it doesn't seem to worry you, but not taking your coat /shoes off in the appropriate place does. :silenced:

that seems to me because it is chillermans house - and he prefers people to take thier coats off! and to me - thats one of the first things you do with guests, to help them feel at home! his own daughter refuses to remove her coat - its like she is saying - I am not staying and I am not part of this family! of course chillerman is upset and making an issue of it! I totally understand that.
you expect your kids to abide by house rules - and to treat you with respect. if they respect you then you respect them! why on earth would you respect someone who treats you with contempt???

January20

tandraig wrote: »

that seems to me because it is chillermans house - and he prefers people to take thier coats off! and to me - thats one of the first things you do with guests, to help them feel at home! his own daughter refuses to remove her coat - its like she is saying - I am not staying and I am not part of this family! of course chillerman is upset and making an issue of it! I totally understand that.
you expect your kids to abide by house rules - and to treat you with respect. if they respect you then you respect them! why on earth would you respect someone who treats you with contempt???

Very very good post!

mountainofdebt

Personally I think Chillerman's daughter is doing everything that chillerman is complaining about simply to wind him (and her mum?) up and to provoke a reaction, which it seems to be getting.

I'm wondering if a different approach would work better whereby mobiles aren't allowed at the dinner table (can appreciate that you want it to be 'family time') but at the same time, you don't answer the landline even to say you'll ring back ? This is what we do - its ignored if we're eating and if that's urgent they'll ring back.

Leave the issue over the hair and ear-rings (which I think is a 'wind-up' thing) and if she wants to sit in her coat then fine - so long as its dry.

tabskitten

If hair twiddling is all you have to worry about in life- then you really need to get out and have a look at someone elses teenagers!!
you'll be crowning her a princess and buying her hair braids when you realize how easy you have it compared to most!!

littlemissmoney

tabsmagic wrote: »

If hair twiddling is all you have to worry about in life- then you really need to get out and have a look at someone elses teenagers!!
you'll be crowning her a princess and buying her hair braids when you realize how easy you have it compared to most!!

The OP's daughter also smokes and drinks, but the OP seems more concerned by the hair twiddling at the dinner table(!).

aliasojo

tandraig wrote: »

that seems to me because it is chillermans house - and he prefers people to take thier coats off! and to me - thats one of the first things you do with guests, to help them feel at home! his own daughter refuses to remove her coat - its like she is saying - I am not staying and I am not part of this family! of course chillerman is upset and making an issue of it! I totally understand that.
you expect your kids to abide by house rules - and to treat you with respect. if they respect you then you respect them! why on earth would you respect someone who treats you with contempt???

January20 wrote: »

Very very good post!

Well I completely disagree.

I think it's a huge leap to make the analogy tandraig did in the above comment. If someone wants to keep their coat on and you take that as contempt, or a suggestion that they don't want to be part of the family, then I think maybe you're in line for the next drama award.

When does chillerman recognise personal preferences? Never? Is there no room for acceptance of other people's ways? Is it always a case of 'do what you're told because it's my house'? I find that more disturbing than the daughter trying to keep her coat on or twiddling her hair. There seems no willingness to compromise on the lesser things and that's why he has a problem, not because of the daughter's 'contempt' as tandraig puts it.

tabskitten

I wonder if chillerman is in fact choosing to fight the battles that he wants to address..........the ones he can easily control- rather than the bigger more important issues such as smoking and drinking, which are also harder to deal with..............hmmmmmm

Lunar_Eclipse

chillerman wrote: »

Hi. I was wondering if any one could help. The problem is concerning my youngest daughter, myself and some house-rules.
The "rules" we have are:
Shoe's and outdoor coats taken of in the hall.(apparently mine)
Don't sit on the arms of chairs and sofa.(was ours now mine!)
Take plates and glasses back into kitchen when finishd or asked.
Keep room tidy and put washing in wash basket.
Wash bath down after shower and remove clothes.
No mobiles at meal times.
No taking out of pierced ear rings and placing on table when eating.(mine)
Not playing with hair at meal times.(mine)
Waiting till we have finishished main course before leaving table if she is not having pudding.
One lays the table and takes dinner in and the other clears the table.

Well, whilst I think your rules are very reasonable, I would have thought there were far more important battles going on with a 17 year old and that these would fall into insignificance. We choose to have our battles over whatever we deem as the important ones; I would have thought these would revolve around their social lives (boyfriends/curfews/alcohol/parties etc) vs studying at that age.

The only ones above that I might insist on, is no mobile phones at the dinner table and remaining there until everyone has finished. However I am told that the general advice given in parenting classes specialising in teenagers is simply to pray that they choose to join you for meals and not enforce any rules whatsoever! :eek: All too often teenagers step further away from their parents. I'm really not looking forward to those years, yet from the sounds of it you are very lucky with your girls.

giggletastic

My mum had (in fact has) loads of rules like this. And to be honest, there are some of her rules that I really, really don't see the point in. Could it be that this is the case with your daughter, but she hasn't been able to express them other than "that's stupid"?

The coat thing really confuses me. Does she also have to change her trousers/skirt when she's been outside in them? Presumably they're also on the couch........if the coat isn't wet or dirty, why does it matter?

Also, having to put plates/glasses in the kitchen when you're done with them - fine. If you're like my mum, and demand it's done immediately, I see her point (and I haven't lived with my parents for 7 years!). Maybe she's watching something on tv, or is just enjoying her own thoughts. As long as it goes the next time she get's up to go somewhere, what's the problem?

And do you do all of the things you're asking of her? You do answer the phone at the table - are you sure she's not replying to a text with "I'm eating, I'll chat to you later"? And do you do anything akin to playing with your hair? I also run my hands through my hair, but I rarely notice I'm doing it. Drives my mum to distraction. My mum eats with her mouth open. I find it disgusting, but she doesn't know she's doing it, and what's it really got to do with me?

Washing though - just don't do it if it ain't in the basket. And ignore her room, just as she (presumably) ignores yours.

Don't sweat the small stuff!:cool: