Too strict or not?

sandiep

chillerman wrote: »

I am the hubby!!! Mum has fall outs with her also over some of the things.
Yes rows do get stroppy. I try to keep to the "rules" as I believe that all households need some to get by and it also lets the children know wre they stand.

Whoops! Apologies!!;)

Molly41

chillerman wrote: »

In respect of my upbringing in a childrens home, yes it did have some effect. I learnt how to respect rules and also how far I could bend them!! It also taught me to value the family life I have now. Thats why I sometimes can not understand, why both of my children behave the way they do at times, when they have got 2 loving parents, a home, and toys and gadgets that I would have loved.
Basicly the coat one is because it is an outdoor coat. I dont ask her to take of hoodies or cardies if she has been outside in those.
I understand when people say give her lee-way but when you have asked for something to be done and its still not done or refused point blank is there a time when you just hold up your hands and say everything I believe in goes out the window because you dont like it?

First I wasn't criticising - actually I totally understand where you are coming from as I think I am in a similar situation. I was not brought in a childrens home but as an only child of very austere elderly parents with very strict rules and no toys really. I have given so much to my children as a result, mostly of myself though some toys etc that I never had. In some respects they cant understand or experience my upbringing nor would i want them - neither would you. But as you rightly say its what made you who you are - likewise me. I guess that you have given a lot of yourself to your children and feel upset when you feel that they dont appreciate you or disrespect you by not abiding by the rules. Our children are not just a reflection of us but of society also and actually whilst they have a responsibility to help us make our homes comfortable as in bring the plates down, sort their washing they also need to feel that our home is their home and so give and take is important. They are teenagers and as such behave in that selfish way. Most grow out of it - im hoping mine do soon. I guess what Im saying is focus on the bigger picture. They do need to help out - i totally agree but I would hate to drive a child away from home simply because they didnt follow the house rules. Sorry if thats harsh but I have had to ponder on this very subject myself over the past weeks and i have had to adjust my standards in order to have a more peaceful existance and Im thinking that maybe that might help you too.

Errata

As others have said, many of the 'rules' are simple good manners. If parents haven't been able to teach good manners to a child over 17 years, it's going to be an uphill struggle to start teaching them now.

Lotus-eater

chillerman wrote: »

January20:- She wears the coat out all day then curls up on the sofa in front of the tv and sometimes falls asleep in it.

Have you written that down so you remember the date?

I read what you have written above and think, so what? Falling asleep in a coat isn't the most heinous of crimes, in fact there is nothing wrong with it, you might think it's a little odd, but it's a little thing which means it's her.

You really need to lighten up.

gilligansyle

Firstly, in some ways I sympathise, but all children are different. What worked for one won't necessarily work for the other. I think part of the problem is the word 'rules', most are common sense, but your rigid enforcement of them may drive her away.

If she wants live in a tip, let her. If the clothes don't go in the basket, they don't get washed, she'll soon start putting them in.

I really can't see what the problem is with someone keeping their coat on, and this seems to be the one bothering you most, the earings is a hygiene matter, and hair twirling is more a nervous habit than anything.

She also needs to feel that its her home and that she is welcome, not that its a prison she's stuck in, with rigid rules.

I once went on strike for a week and refused to do anything for my son (now 22) until he stopped treating the house like a hotel. Worked wonders - but I had to live with a tip for a while!

chillerman

Molly41: Didnt think you were criticising at all. I do realize that if I come on here and ask for some advise I'm not going to like all the answers! Every body has their views. Some have said that I am to strict and others have said Im doing alright. If everyone was against me then I would have to agree that I have a problem.
I believe that in the past I have changed my views even if some people close to home might not agree!!
I do not want to lose my daughter, but I do want her to grow up understanding that life does not solely revolve around the word "NO".
I used to ask why I had to do things when I was younger and was often told "because I say so". Because of this I will try and explain my reasons but I wll also say "I have told you why before"!!

Lotus-eater- Not a date just someones usersname!!

chillerman

[Lotus-eater;]

[Falling asleep in a coat isn't the most heinous of crimes, in fact there is nothing wrong with it, you might think it's a little odd, but it's a little thing which means it's her.]

I agree!!

It's just something that we, as a family always did. Shoes and coats off in the hall when we come in. Its just now that she thinks its stupid, she doesnt have to do it

aliasojo

chillerman wrote: »

[Lotus-eater;]

Its just now that she thinks its stupid, she doesnt have to do it

So why is she not allowed to hold this view?

She's growing up and trying to be her own person but as she's still at home and ony 17, she doesn't really have a lot of choice over what she can do.

Molly41

chillerman wrote: »

I do not want to lose my daughter, but I do want her to grow up understanding that life does not solely revolve around the word "NO".
I used to ask why I had to do things when I was younger and was often told "because I say so". Because of this I will try and explain my reasons but I wll also say "I have told you why before"!!

Yes I understand. I was also told that..."because I say so"! I always try and explain my thinking to my four kids and they answer back with their reasons:eek: Having said that in some respects Im very please the way my kids have turned out with minds of their own and questioning. Its something I never dared to do a a child and now as an adult. My kids are feisty and if Im honest I think that will help them as long as they use it appropriately and im secretly jealous of their attitude. Perhaps try and look at your daughter with new eyes?

Casati

chillerman wrote: »

[Lotus-eater;]

[Falling asleep in a coat isn't the most heinous of crimes, in fact there is nothing wrong with it, you might think it's a little odd, but it's a little thing which means it's her.]

I agree!!

It's just something that we, as a family always did. Shoes and coats off in the hall when we come in. Its just now that she thinks its stupid, she doesnt have to do it

But WHY????

I would not respect a rigid rule if you could not provide the reasoning behind it. This was always my Fathers argument. If I would ask 'why?' the answer was always 'because thats how it was when I was a kid' which is frankly inadequate. Guess what...I moved out on my 18th birthday and we haven't spoken in 16 years.

Of course I'm not saying it should be a free-for-all, but she is only months away from being 18, so you need to start treating her as such. As for the difference in how her sister dealt with these rules, I can only say that people have different coping mechanisms. My brother kept his head down & basically did everything for a quiet life. I chose to question things & fight my corner. Both of us however, were equally miserable. Coming home from a long day at school with all the pressure of exams, being talked to by teachers like you were scum...and coming home to more rules, more pressure, more criticism. I never knew what it meant to RELAX. Nothing I ever did, none of my behaviour was ever good enough for my father, so I just stopped trying. Why kill yourself with the effort when you are never going to be able to deliver the goods...