Too strict or not?

elfen

If she's cooking, does she do the washing up or do you? Sounds petty but it's always been in my house (and with my OH) that if one of us cooks, the other washes up or loads the dishwasher.

I'd be annoyed at some of the rules, especially since she is going to be an adult soon. Yup, some is common sense, but by giving her some leeway (treating her like an adult) you may find you gain more respect back from her instead of rebellion. Some of it is pure manners but maybe if you start treating her as an adult, that it'll slot in after a bit of "oh, I've got no clean clothes" or "oh, i can't find stuff"

littlerat

None of those rules are bad, in fact they're common sense/manners.


But, some of them don't need enforcing. When she has no clean washing she'll soon remember to put her dirty washing in the basket, when she can't find any of her things she'll keep her room in some order, and I doubt it matters to you like that if she does, it's her who has to live with it.

If you know it's her having a bath/shower next, don't you rinse it out - she'll soon realise it's much nicer if everyone takes 30 seconds to do it.

If she's not putting her clean clothes away, dump them on her bed, then they're her problem. She'll either put them away or on a chair or something, it won't take long for her to realise it takes no time to put them away.

I've been responsible for sorting out my own bedroom since quite a young age, it's not always tidy but it's always clean and sort of organised.


Coats in the hall, say that it can't be left anywhere, but if she wants to walk around with it on all day what does it matter. Shoes and sitting on arms of chairs I'd point out the downsides, playing with her mobile is just rude though, Plates and glasses again makes sense, don't want them left around forever (providing you're not asking the minute she's finished the last mouthful).

You don't sound overly strict at all though to me

chillerman

Bedroom is a pain but we ask and it tends to get left. We dont stand over trying to make her do it.
Children don't and didnt wash up, the wife and I used to but now we have a dishwasher.
All the others have just evolved through the years of having children and what we believe to be tidy and right.
She wears her coat indoors watching T.V. when coming in from college. She says its because she's cold so we have said just go and put a warm jumper or something on instead. We have said that we will buy her a fluffy type of blanket if she wants so she can wrap that round her.
I do ask her but how many times can you be told "No I'm not doing that" before it gets to you?
As I said before if most are done or when reminded I dont mind the odd thing.
I do find it hard to treat her as an adult. I feel that she wants to act and be treated as one but wont accept our adult views.

busiscoming2

Most of your rules sound like common sense and good manners and most of them apply in our house.

Getting her to rinse the bath and keep her room tidy are the only ones that don't really apply to us. Oh and taking the coat off in the hall. As long as it is hung up it doesn't matter where they take it off!

Her room is her space. I always hoovered/hoover what floor space I can find and dust the window cills and door frames as they belong to 'the house' but the stuff in there is the kids domain and their responsibility.
If my kids didn't stick to 'the rules' then there was punishments and good things being withdrawn. Mind you I think I am lucky (so far) with my kids and their respect.

I have no idea where you go from here.

smartpicture

chillerman wrote: »

Bedroom is a pain but we ask and it tends to get left. We dont stand over trying to make her do it.
Children don't and didnt wash up, the wife and I used to but now we have a dishwasher.
All the others have just evolved through the years of having children and what we believe to be tidy and right.
She wears her coat indoors watching T.V. when coming in from college. She says its because she's cold so we have said just go and put a warm jumper or something on instead. We have said that we will buy her a fluffy type of blanket if she wants so she can wrap that round her.
I do ask her but how many times can you be told "No I'm not doing that" before it gets to you?
As I said before if most are done or when reminded I dont mind the odd thing.
I do find it hard to treat her as an adult. I feel that she wants to act and be treated as one but wont accept our adult views.

Don't bother even asking about the bedroom, unless it's things affecting the other people in the house like she's got all the glasses in her room. She should be allowed some space that is hers to control, and it doesn't affect anyone else if it's messy, just close the door. If any of her stuff is lying around the house annoying you, just open the bedroom door and put it there for her to fall over, then it's up to her what she does with it and again doesn't affect you. My daughter's job is to load the dishwasher, and in the past I have been known to put all the dirty pots on her bed if she hasn't loaded it when she should. Direct consequences and no arguing has a better impact on behaviour, I find.

Agree with the others about if clothes aren't in the washbasket, they don't get washed, that's part of treating her like an adult and influencing her behaviour by direct consequences.

With her wearing the coat in the house - what's the problem with this? If she wants to wear inappropriate clothing inside the house, she's old enough to decide that for herself. That is an example of you trying to treat her like a 10-year-old. Just imagine if you sat down wearing your oldest, comfiest sweater and she started insisting you didn't wear it in your own house because it didn't meet her style requirements - that would put your back up, wouldn't it?

Just pick your battles wisely, be 100% firm on things that really matter but don't start arguments and bad feelings about trivial issues that really don't affect anyone else, and allow her to feel some level of control over her own life.

Molly41

cheepskate wrote: »

I always picked my battles with my eldest child, as i will do also with my youngerst child(now 9).
Throughout the teenage years we never had many arguments etc. and looking at how a lot of his friends treated family or acted , he seemed to have a lot more respect for things than they did and we were viewed as very lax parents:).
As for rooms i beleive it is their room and should be how they like it, so be it if it is a pigsty as long as the door is closed, or you close it in passing if it is not. Would you like your daughter to come into your room and tell you how it should be.

We got round the "clothes in the laundry basket " very easily without arguing all the time about it . Simple...... when i come to do a washing i only wash whatever is in the basket. Yeah you will get a few moans , maybe more from a girl when she cant find a clean pair of pants, but it works. Trust me , my nephew who is 21 is still getting moaned at to put his clothes into laundry, if he doesnt his mother picks them up from his room or moans some more to make him do it. Our son learnt from he was 13 , no clothes , no washing .

If you are still arguing about manners at 17,then there seems a problem as table manners /shoes off/ sitting on edge of chair are set usually when the children are a very young age .

Im really struggling with house rules at the moment. I guess in the past I have been quite lax about little things and have only tackled big issues for an easy life. However the little things like rooms, laundry, helping out at home are starting to matter more and more as Im now quite disabled and unable to do the stuff such as pickin up laundry and plates. My kids rooms offend me now and I have a stress reaction everytime I go into them. So I went on strike and it was hell for a few days but they are starting to see the difference and they dont like it! However i would say that some of the OP rules are, IMO, excessive. Obviously your upbringing in a children's home must have had some effect ? I would say relax them slightly as rules might come between you and your daughter and one day very soon she will be gone and the damage to your relationship.

chillerman

In respect of my upbringing in a childrens home, yes it did have some effect. I learnt how to respect rules and also how far I could bend them!! It also taught me to value the family life I have now. Thats why I sometimes can not understand, why both of my children behave the way they do at times, when they have got 2 loving parents, a home, and toys and gadgets that I would have loved.
Basicly the coat one is because it is an outdoor coat. I dont ask her to take of hoodies or cardies if she has been outside in those.
I understand when people say give her lee-way but when you have asked for something to be done and its still not done or refused point blank is there a time when you just hold up your hands and say everything I believe in goes out the window because you dont like it?

aliasojo

chillerman wrote: »

I understand when people say give her lee-way but when you have asked for something to be done and its still not done or refused point blank is there a time when you just hold up your hands and say everything I believe in goes out the window because you dont like it?

When do you acknowledge she is a person in her own right and is able to make decisions for herself?

(Note: I'm only talking about her personal stuff here, not things that affect others.)

I started out sympathising with you over teenage troubles but the more I think about it and the more I read, I think you are causing a lot of this by your inability to compromise and your desire for complete control. (As proved by the coat thing.)

MyRubyRed

aliasojo wrote: »

When do you acknowledge she is a person in her own right and is able to make decisions for herself?

(Note: I'm only talking about her personal stuff here, not things that affect others.)

I started out sympathising with you over teenage troubles but the more I think about it and the more I read, I think you are causing a lot of this by your inability to compromise and your desire for complete control. (As proved by the coat thing.)

Agree totally with the above post. I think you are on the road to losing your daughter.:eek:

chillerman

aliasojo.
(I started out sympathising with you over teenage troubles but the more I think about it and the more I read, I think you are causing a lot of this by your inability to compromise and your desire for complete control. (As proved by the coat thing.)[/QUOTE]

Over the years I believe I have tried to compromise. As for desire for complete controll, no, I dont think so. I acknowledge that she is a person in her own right. They have both chosen thier friends (allthough some of them wern't the best) decided what they wanted to do in clubs and outdoor activities. We have always said if they want to try something, fine not a problem.
I know that this generation is different to mine as I was to the previous one but maybe in an old fashioned way I think you do what you are asked or as much as you can get away with, untill you have your own place and start living the way you want to.