Too strict or not?

Casati

chillerman wrote: »

I dont mind her asking questains but when answers are given it is still "thats stupid and I'm not going to do it."

Did you consider that maybe she has a point?

Do you praise/compliment your daughter at all? Does she not have some redeeming qualities?

tandraig

my parents would never ever - explain a rule to me - the answer to me asking why was either 'because I said so' or 'I had to so you do to'
NOT good enough is it?
chillerman explains why, as he said - he obviously DOESNT think his point of view is 'stupid'. so why on earth would daughter 'have a point'. unless SHE explains her point of view of course . unless rolling of eyes and daaaad thats stupid can be classed as a point of view and not teenage angst.

pandora205

Teenagers aren't easy to live with, including those who were polite and helpful as younger children. However, 17 is almost grown up and time to take some responsibility. Nagging doesn't work very well and often damages relationships. Are there other ways to shape this young lady's behaviour? Does she get pocket money or other privileges (mobile paid for etc.)

It's best to focus on the things that really matter. In the scheme of things, those mentioned are quite minor: this teenager isn't swearing, drinking, staying out all night, staying in bed all day and missing school/work..... It may be useful to list two or three key rules/expectations to work on and congratulate yourselves that the problems are small.

And remember that meal times are a good time for conversation and should be positive times for the family, too.

bunty109

I often wear my coat or scarf in th ehouse when I come in; even though it might be the case that the heating's on. Surely it doesn't matter, so long as I hang it up? Also a bit bemused by the removal of earrings: surely it's less hygenic to put pierced earrings back in when they've been lying around somewhere?!!

I agree that a lot of what you are trying to instill is good manners, but maybe you just need to relax a bit with some of the "rules": when she gets her own place and does all the things you dislike are you not going to visit her?

Blackpool_Saver

Is that all you have to worry about?

Are these young adults taking drugs? smoking, drinking? being aggressive?

Flaming heck mate, you don't know you are born.

Tell those girls you love them and try to connect before it's too late.

tandraig

I am sorrry but from being a teen rebel - I have actually grown up now - and beleive there is nothing wrong with having some 'house' rules! my grandkids dont need to be reminded to take their shoes off in the porch and coats go on newel post!. meals are eaten at the table and if they really want to watch tv then they ask if they can have a tray. whats wrong with that?
sorry but i was brought up with 'my house - my rules' and inflexible parents. my kids had a mum and dad who listened to them - but basic manners and consideration was NO1.
my kids have grown up now - and my grandkids are in and out and respect my house rules - as they get spoilt rotten!

littlemissmoney

A lot of the "annoying things" she is doing at the dinner table (playing with hair, checking mobile, removing earings) sound like things people do when they are stressed. How is the general atmosphere at the table? Maybe you all need to make dinner times less formal and just make relaxed conversation rather than nagging. If she feels more confortable at the tables then she may well naturally stop doing these "annoying things"!

chillerman

Only ones at meal times is placing earings on the table and phones. As I said before if she puts them (ear-rings) in her pocket or on another chair, thats fine. If our main phone rings we answer and say that we are having tea etc. and we will call them back when finnished. We always try and have conversations when sitting at the table. As for eating disorders that is not one of my worries and if the girls or wife wants to comment on my eating habbits they know they can.(without getting told off)

Yes my daughter does have redeeming qualities. She is very good at drama and singing. She is taking Performing Arts at colege and is often in productions. I always praise her and see her in these. She practises at home and again we tell her she is doing well.

As and when she gets her own place of course I will visit her. If she does things that I don't like or disagree with, no problem, it will be her place and her rules. I'll just have "moan" to the wife later!!

Blackpool_Saver: Sorry to dissapoint you but I do know I was born and as said in a previous post they havent got any wear near the rules and regulations I had. Also they have Two parents who love them and tell them so. As for drinking and smoking yes she does that when she's out but didnt most of us?? Drugs no she doesnt.

mountainofdebt

I think what Blackpool saver is trying to say is that ona scale of 1 to 10, these acts of rebellion are no way near some of the problems that some MSErs have had.

I've got a 17yr old son and yes I get irrated when I see his room sometimes but at the end of the day its his room and if he wants as a pigsty then so be it. The only rules I have regarding his room is plates and cups go downstairs and aren't left to fester and that clothes go in the washbasket if he wants them cleaned.

As others have said you need to pick your battles with teenagers - but I found with my son if I can explain why I ask him to do something (and how it benefits him!) then usually it works far better than just saying because I want you to!

cheepskate_2

chillerman wrote: »

As and when she gets her own place of course I will visit her. If she does things that I don't like or disagree with, no problem, it will be her place and her rules.

But your family home is "her" place but you seem not to be treating her as an equal.

You obviously have a lot of issues in your family if you are having these problems at the lower level of family life .

You have came on and asked for advice, which you have been given lots of just maybe if you act upon it you would not be having these arguments over silly things.

As for the smoking and drinking , it doesn't seem to worry you, but not taking your coat /shoes off in the appropriate place does. :silenced: