Too strict or not?

shirlgirl2004

chillerman wrote: »

I used to ask why I had to do things when I was younger and was often told "because I say so". Because of this I will try and explain my reasons but I wll also say "I have told you why before"!!

So what is the good reason for having to take her coat off? I really don't understand it.

tandraig

chillerman - may I just ask something? does your daughter seem normal wieght to you?
its just that this coat issue seems to be central here as is behaviour at the dinner table.
does she eat her dinner? or pick at it and play with mobile, hair or earrings all the time until you get exasperated (and distracted?)
I admit I only had one daughter and she was a honey! but i did have friends with teenage daughters and they were forever telling them to wear more clothes - not less! it seems strange to me she seems to need the covering of her coat!
I can think of three possible reasons for refusing to discard her coat
one - she is pregnant and starting to show
two - she is underwieght and is hiding it
three - she believes she is overwieght and the coat disguises it.
or it may not be any of the above! she just knows it bugs you and thats where she is throwing down the gauntlet!

aliasojo

Casati wrote: »

But WHY????

I would not respect a rigid rule if you could not provide the reasoning behind it. This was always my Fathers argument. If I would ask 'why?' the answer was always 'because thats how it was when I was a kid' which is frankly inadequate. Guess what...I moved out on my 18th birthday and we haven't spoken in 16 years.

Of course I'm not saying it should be a free-for-all, but she is only months away from being 18, so you need to start treating her as such.

I agree. (Except I moved out at 16.) My Father was ex Army and was used to being told what to do and accepted it unconditionally. That was fine in the circumstances he was in at the time but it didn't transfer well to normal life and relationships.

Unfortunately he could not understand why people in his family held differing views and expected us all to see things his way, when he was never able to pay us the same courtesy. The OP's coat thing resonates with me.....it's another one of those 'just because it's what I want' situations with no real logic behind it.

January20

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Have you written that down so you remember the date?

I read what you have written above and think, so what? Falling asleep in a coat isn't the most heinous of crimes, in fact there is nothing wrong with it, you might think it's a little odd, but it's a little thing which means it's her.

You really need to lighten up.

No, he is answering my question! :rotfl:

chillerman, my dd loves nothing more than curling up on the sofa in a really big coat of mine or in her duvet! She is always cold. I hate the duvet thing but it keeps her from moaning about how cold she is lol! And no she is not underweight, or any of the other options, but at 17 she is still too young to know what a jumper is for [insert sarcastic smily that they removed and I miss a lot ]

As for the poster who said that at 17, it is too old to teach them manners, any parent of a teenager will know that you teach them when they are young indeed but then they reach a certain age and forget it all... or perhaps they just try and push our buttons...

chillerman

I think the coat situation, is as I see it cold outdoors type i.e worn normally when raining, damp and such like. This being the case I dont like it being worn on the chairs that the rest of us sit on. If we are out wearing jumpers, hoodies etc, and we get wet, we go home and change into dry things. As I said before I dont ask her to remove other types of tops.

As for eating she was and still is not the biggest eater. She like many others, snacks on stuff before meal times and so doe'snt eat that much and is hungry again after. She is tall but weight wise ok. No she is not pregnant or underweight. She has said at times she thinks she's overweight but a lot of this is down to her height and her friends are shorter than her.

She will also bring a duvet down from her room and curl up in that. Thats fine by me as long as there is still room for us!!

I dont mind her asking questains but when answers are given it is still "thats stupid and I'm not going to do it."

Errata

It seems a bit odd. Most people, and probably teenagers, would find it much too hot and uncomfortable to sit in an adequately heated house wearing an outdoor coat or wrapping themselves in a duvet for any length of time.
Or is it just me that finds it odd ?

tandraig

ok chillerman - was just a thought.
your 'rules' seem to me just common sense and good manners - but then i am of the 'older' generation!
I dont get the sense that you lay down the law without good reason or explaining why first.
hun, some kids are by nature rebellious - I was - and believe me my parents were very strict and tried to bring me up according to THEIR parents rules. luckily for my brother and sister I was the oldest and most bolshy!!! my parents had to rethink and my bro and sis enjoyed MUCH more freedom than i had.
the one thing i can say i have learned as both a teen and later a parent and grandparent is - Pick your battles!
decide which rules are set in stone and make sure its for a good reason. then stick to them.
let everything else go by.
for example - you want a nice family meal not interupted by mobiles - then thats set in stone - you even take the landline off the hook!
the hair twiddling? how you gonna stop that??? nagging does NOT work - ignore that one.
taking out of earrings - they are picked up and put on another surface - without comment.
(just be glad she doesnt have a belly ring - or worse)
if her plate isnt taken out it doesnt get washed - does it? and her next meal is served on it!
this is how i would deal with it - my daughter may have been a honey but my sons were challenging to say the least!

Lotus-eater

Errata wrote: »

It seems a bit odd. Most people, and probably teenagers, would find it much too hot and uncomfortable to sit in an adequately heated house wearing an outdoor coat or wrapping themselves in a duvet for any length of time.
Or is it just me that finds it odd ?

I find most teenage girls are freezing all the time and are always moaning about the lack of heating.
Unless they are on a night out, then they can manage below freezing temps in clothing that a playboy playmate would find a little on the small side.

littlemissmoney

With all these "rules" at the dinner table you are making dinner time an issue and risk her ending up with a eating disorder. Just enjoy dinner with your family whilst they still live at home. How would you like someone commenting on your habits at the dinner table?

smartpicture

chillerman wrote: »

I think the coat situation, is as I see it cold outdoors type i.e worn normally when raining, damp and such like. This being the case I dont like it being worn on the chairs that the rest of us sit on. If we are out wearing jumpers, hoodies etc, and we get wet, we go home and change into dry things. As I said before I dont ask her to remove other types of tops.

As for eating she was and still is not the biggest eater. She like many others, snacks on stuff before meal times and so doe'snt eat that much and is hungry again after. She is tall but weight wise ok. No she is not pregnant or underweight. She has said at times she thinks she's overweight but a lot of this is down to her height and her friends are shorter than her.

She will also bring a duvet down from her room and curl up in that. Thats fine by me as long as there is still room for us!!

I dont mind her asking questains but when answers are given it is still "thats stupid and I'm not going to do it."

Okay, so you have stronger feeelings than most people about coats, and that's fine. But do you really, really feel that this is an issue worth having regular fights over? Or is letting go of this something you could offer as a compromise if she is willing to compromise on some of the other stuff that really is more important?

Once they get to this age, you can either choose to 'make' them do everything your way - which may or may not work, but either way will cause friction and resentment and an early leaving home date. Or you can choose to talk and compromise and let them have some victories, and come control over their own lives, while making sure the important rules stay in place. Somehow I don't think an argument about a coat comes in that category.