Too strict or not?

chillerman

Thanks for the replys.
Ear rings and hair, I believe to be hygeine at the table. I have said that if she puts ear rings in her pocket or on another chair thats fine. Washing the bath down is also just being clean and not lazy.
I have explained the reasons to her when ever its needed. I have said that when she has her own place and family I will respect what she thinks is correct. As for helping with the table and dinner, this started because I worked till tea time and her mum had been working and then cooked a dinner for the family.We both thought it would help her and to be honest this is'nt one that she objects to!! As for treating her like a child may be I do but I do believe respect is earnt. We have been down the road of letting her get on with it but it just didnt work for the wife and I!!

chillerman

Forgot to say that I have allways said that if most are done, I can accept the odd thing. Its just when they are constantly refused.

Lotus-eater

chillerman wrote: »

As for helping with the table and dinner, this started because I worked till tea time and her mum had been working and then cooked a dinner for the family.We both thought it would help her and to be honest this is'nt one that she objects to!!

Was is it she objects to then?

aliasojo

chillerman wrote: »

Some background on us. We have 2 girls, the eldest being 21 and at Uni. They both had the same basic rules and the eldest, allthough thinking some were silly accepted them when she did wrong. My youngest has allways had problems accepting things and my wife and I have been to parenting classes a few years ago. This helped for a while, but I believe that because we changed the way we dealt with her she now thinks things should change when she wants them to.

Can I ask why you went to parenting classes? Was it advised by someone else or did you think it might help your relationship with your youngest?

It sounds like your approach to parenting worked with the oldest but not the youngest and you looked for a different way to handle her?

If it helped for a while, what changed?

I always think it's not about what you ask, it's how you ask it. Everyone is different and will respond differently. My eldest son responds to being 'told' whereas my middle one would immediately throw the brakes on and stop hearing the minute he felt he was being told anything. He responds much better to being 'asked' iyswim. He's not being deliberately awkward, it's just that his perception of a situation and how he feels about it, is different to mine. A good manager will 'manage' his employees according to their strengths in order to get them to be as productive as possible and I think a good parent is very similar (although the job is harder because you're also having to deal with hormones and immaturity).

Your wants seem reasonable but your girl is 'only' 17. There will be bigger battles to come and I'd question whether 'not playing with hair at mealtimes' is worthy of a war. I agree it's not the most hygenic thing but as long as she's not doing it over your plate, then she will be the only one affected by it so why not let it go? She's not 5 anymore. A habit will pass sooner if it's not continually commented upon (imo).

What makes perfect sense to you, wont even register to a 17 year old so you can't expect her to care about the same things. She's probably constantly refusing because you are constantly pointing out your requests. Try pulling back a bit about the lesser things and see what happens with the rest. If people feel less 'got at' then maybe they are more ameneable to being more considerate to others about the bigger things.

I wish you luck. No-one has a guidebook and we've all fallen foul of our teens at one point or another.

chillerman

Lotus-eater:--- Shoes, coats, sitting on arms of furniture, plates and glasses, tidying bedroom, earings. There all stupid and "Do 'er head in"!

We went to parenting classes on the advise given to us by some one referred by our Dr. We have allways considered she might have A.D.D. but advise via guidlines from her school teachers and Dr.'s thought differently. It worked for a while I think because we (or I ) were more flexible with her. I do try and ask rather then tell but it does get hard. Our eldest now resents her because she see's her "getting away" with lots more than she did and because of the friction she causes in the family.

gill_81uk

maybe you could compromise and let her have her bedroom as she likes as long as she respects the communcal living areas ie why should you or he mum have to take out hr plates and glasses, and leaving shoes on round house will wear/dirty your carpets

aliasojo

chillerman wrote: »

Lotus-eater:--- Shoes, coats, sitting on arms of furniture, plates and glasses, tidying bedroom, earings. There all stupid and "Do 'er head in"!

It worked for a while I think because we (or I ) were more flexible with her. I do try and ask rather then tell but it does get hard. Our eldest now resents her because she see's her "getting away" with lots more than she did and because of the friction she causes in the family.

I don't blame her for feeling annoyed at some of the 'rules' tbh. She's 17 and is still being told to take her coat off in the hall? Why does it matter where she takes it off as long as she doesn't just dump it at her feet? Shoes I can understand, you wont want dirt tracked through the house.

I think you only have 2 choices....either accept flexible works best with her or you carry on trying to enforce things. You're just not going to ever have the situation you want where what you say goes. It sounds like you're not comfortable compromising? Seems she may be following your lead?

smartpicture

The hair-widdling I would let go, that is really a habit like biting your nails rather than deliberate defiance and you can't break a habit by constantly nagging someone about it - also, it doesn't directly affect anyone else, and I tend to focus on rules that affect the other people in the house.

With the wash bath down and put things away rules, you just have to accept that you will have to repeat yourself several times without getting annoyed, because it just doesn't register as significant in their teenage brain. Or you can try my latest tack with the 'I'll do it later' scenario, my rule there is that I will say ok, fine, you can do it in your own time to fit in around your prioroties. But if it's still not done after a reasonable time, then you drop everything and do it the second I demand, because you had your chance to choose your own timing and you didn't use it.

The no mobile at the table and staying until everyone has finished is a difference in culture between when we grew up and the environment they've grown up in - they just see it that you are being totally unreasonable in stopping them being in constant immediate touch with their mates, so you will never get agreement or understanding on this, although you can still choose to enforce it in your house.

I don't think your rules are unreasonable, although it depends on how you enforce them - but equally your teenager is just acting like a typical teenager and pushing against the boundaries. If these are the worst boundaries she's choosing to push, she's not doing too badly. She'll soon be 18, so perhaps you need to look at a different way of communicating and enforcing house rules rather than treating her like a 10-year-old - which tends to encourage 10-year-old beahviour.

cheepskate_2

I always picked my battles with my eldest child, as i will do also with my youngerst child(now 9).
Throughout the teenage years we never had many arguments etc. and looking at how a lot of his friends treated family or acted , he seemed to have a lot more respect for things than they did and we were viewed as very lax parents:).
As for rooms i beleive it is their room and should be how they like it, so be it if it is a pigsty as long as the door is closed, or you close it in passing if it is not. Would you like your daughter to come into your room and tell you how it should be.

We got round the "clothes in the laundry basket " very easily without arguing all the time about it . Simple...... when i come to do a washing i only wash whatever is in the basket. Yeah you will get a few moans , maybe more from a girl when she cant find a clean pair of pants, but it works. Trust me , my nephew who is 21 is still getting moaned at to put his clothes into laundry, if he doesnt his mother picks them up from his room or moans some more to make him do it. Our son learnt from he was 13 , no clothes , no washing .

If you are still arguing about manners at 17,then there seems a problem as table manners /shoes off/ sitting on edge of chair are set usually when the children are a very young age .

Lotus-eater

chillerman wrote: »

Lotus-eater:--- Shoes, coats, sitting on arms of furniture, plates and glasses, tidying bedroom, earings. There all stupid and "Do 'er head in"!

I rebelled against all of those as well, if they wanted them done my parents generally had to tell me to do them. Then I still might not do them anyway.
In fact rebel probably isn't the best word, just I didn't care and didn't see what all the fuss was about.

Then came the "if you want to live under our roof, you do as we say"
So I moved out as quick as I could, there was such tension between me and my Mum, it's still not right today. I moved out at 17 and it was such a relief to get away from all those rules and the overbearingness of my Mum.