Too strict or not?

aliasojo

chillerman wrote: »

I know that this generation is different to mine as I was to the previous one but maybe in an old fashioned way I think you do what you are asked or as much as you can get away with, untill you have your own place and start living the way you want to.

I see your point, but sometimes people's 'asks' are unreasonable. As in the coat thing (just to provide an example).

I'm no liberal spring chicken btw, my eldest is 27 and if I've learned anything over the years, it's to choose worthy battles. With respect, I think you are maybe just too annoyed or irritated with things at the moment to fully appreciate what is worthy and what is not.

That said, it's all just opinion isn't it, you must do what you feel best and time will tell whether it works or not.

MyRubyRed

Chillerman, I do sympathise with you. I have 2 daughters (23 and 20). It is not easy I know. I tried to apply the same rules applied to me when I was a teenager. Most worked but they were related to being home at an agreed time, doing homework, not leaving a mess for others to pick up/live in etc. Lost out when picking their mates mind you!
But I do think that the rules you are trying to apply go too far and I really can't understand why compliance to them is so important.

WASHER

aliasojo wrote: »

When do you acknowledge she is a person in her own right and is able to make decisions for herself?

(Note: I'm only talking about her personal stuff here, not things that affect others.)

I started out sympathising with you over teenage troubles but the more I think about it and the more I read, I think you are causing a lot of this by your inability to compromise and your desire for complete control. (As proved by the coat thing.)

I agree with aliasojo too.

I had endless rules whilst at home, I couldn't wait to turn 17 and leave home, which I did. I am easier going with my children, I pick my battles, I wouldn't want them moving out at the of 17, cause I made it difficult or unbearable. I'm not soft on them either, we have mutual respect which has to be earned, you need to show her some respect by treating her as a young adult and not a child.

hbloomers

Tbh, I don't see the problem with her wearing a coat inside... I do it all the time when I come in and the house is still cold. The way I see it, I'm already wearing something warm, I'll heat up in about 10 minutes, what the point in putting something clean on for that length of time? Unless its covered in muck, or is dripping wet, whats the problem? Shoes, I can understand - you don't want dirt walked into the carpets etc.

Maybe it would be better if you didn't call them rules as such? By making a big deal over fiddling with hair etc. you're highlighting it. She'll learn eventually when she has to pick at her food around strands of hair.

On the flip side, it could be that she would do these things anyway (plates, laundry etc), or realise what she's doing, but being constantly reminded (or nagged, as she probably feels) is getting her goat. Its silly, but when I'm at my boyfriend's house, he reminds me to take my shoes off before going into the livingroom, when I'm already in the process of doing it! Its silly, but really annoying after a while.

Relax a little. In the grand scheme of things, these little niggles aren't important. She'll probably move out in a few years (or even next year for University) and you'll miss her! Enjoy the time you spend together

sandiep

Instead of insisting that she follows the rules, just be blatent in pointing out the disadvantages of not;

So, pick up all the wet soggy towels etc and dump them on her bed. Ditto all other crap/belongings etc that she leaves all over the house.

Sweep up the earings etc from the dinner table and throw them in the bin.

Don't ever go and get laundry/washing from her room. Take her ironing out of the pile and leave it in a basket for her.

If she doesn't clear the table, leave it there and make her do it later.

She will take as much slack as you give her. Do don't follow behind her. 17yrs is old enough to learn the lesson that if you don't do what needs doing, it don't get done!

chillerman

[aliasojo;
]I see your point, but sometimes people's 'asks' are unreasonable]

I understand this but these have'nt just been sprung upon her. They both grew up with these. Of course some are newer than others and all are explained as and when they are needed.
May be I am annoyed or irritated but as I have continually said here, and say to her, if things are done most of the time then when certain things do happen they get over looked as minor.

House is always warm. cental heating timer sorts that one out!

Washer: I do try to treat her like a young adult. SHe has T.V. in her room, has friends round when she wants and also to stay, makes food when she wants, goes and comes as she likes. All we ask is that she lets us know if she is comimg home that night.

January20

chillerman, you have all of my sympathy. My daughter was fine until she turned 16 and then from 16 1/2, things started to go downhill, because she thought that as legally she could leave home if she wanted to, that meant she could do as she pleased and have none of the responsibility of being older.

I've read with interest the replies you go and I can tell you I am getting sick and tired of people saying it's the way teenagers behave. At 17, they are 1 year away from being legal adults. The have to start acting as so!

I have implemented some of the things that are advised to you here. I would advise caution:

My dd wouldn't give me her washing to do, but also would not allow me to enter her room as that is her own space. And then complain because her clothes were not clean. Clean washing given to her would end up on the floor. So I told her she would have to do her own washing. Well, most of the time she doesn't do it. Her clothes are on the floor and then she will bring out 5 or 6 machines worth of laundry. Or she will have piles of dirty washing in the hallway (only to be put back into her room by me).

She can keep her bedroom as tidy or as untidy as she wants. Usually it's very untidy. Sounds fair doesn't it? Well, no! because now the mess is starting to leak out of her bedroom and into shared areas of our home (again to be put back into her room by me). If you relax your attitude towards her bedroom, you'll have to make sure she doesn't think it's a green light to mess up the whole house.

Bathroom towels and cups and glasses disappear into my daughter's bedroom too.

The issue about the coat, you haven't said what happens to the coat when it's not put in the hallway? Is it just left lying around anywhere in your home?

I found out a couple of days ago that at her school, once they are in that year where they turn 16, they are told about their rights. I wish they were told about their duties and responsibilities too and the fact that living in a family home means that you have other people to consider and respect.

And I totally agree with you, respect has to be earned! But teenagers just want and want and want and are so clued up on their rights and what they want to do with their time and compromise is not part of their vocabulary! It doesn't help that half of the other parents either don't care or are to scared of their kids leaving home to do anything.

ETA: sorry I've re-read my post and realised it's not very helpful to you! Sadly, I have no answer.

Lotus-eater

January20 wrote: »

I've read with interest the replies you go and I can tell you I am getting sick and tired of people saying it's the way teenagers behave. At 17, they are 1

Well it is the way they behave, I thought we'd established that.

I even either saw or heard (can't remember which) a docu which said there is a reason they acted like this and it was a normal thing to do.

sandiep

Any many that do leave home come quickly back because it's just too much work and too expensive.

Part of being a parent is preparing them for adulthood and living in the big bad world. And that means responsibility.

My teenage stepdaughter ends up here when she falls out with her mum. I tell her that she's going to get exactly the same here. Because whether she's at her mums house, my house, or away anywhere else, there are the same expectations, and kicking off and not contributing is as unacceptable here as it is in her mums house.

I think consistency is a big part in this? Does hubby etc apply the rules the same as you do? Do you apply them consistently?

What are the consequences of her not following them? Is there anything other than a load of stroppy rows? (Because teenagers do get off on those!! Gives them the chance to prove that they're an adult!!!! Lol!!!)

chillerman

[ Does hubby etc apply the rules the same as you do? Do you apply them consistently?

What are the consequences of her not following them? Is there anything other than a load of stroppy rows? (Because teenagers do get off on those!! Gives them the chance to prove that they're an adult!!!! Lol!!!]

I am the hubby!!! Mum has fall outs with her also over some of the things.
Yes rows do get stroppy. I try to keep to the "rules" as I believe that all households need some to get by and it also lets the children know wre they stand.

January20:- She wears the coat out all day then curls up on the sofa in front of the tv and sometimes falls asleep in it.