Too strict or not?

chillerman

Hi. I was wondering if any one could help. The problem is concerning my youngest daughter, myself and some house-rules. She is nearly 17 yrs old and tries to rebel against most of them. If she doesnt like them and the reasons I give her, she believes it's o.k to disregard them. My wife now say's that I should compremise on some of them. This caused a huge row the other night between us and resulted in our daughter walking out.(She's back now.)
Some background on us. We have 2 girls, the eldest being 21 and at Uni. They both had the same basic rules and the eldest, allthough thinking some were silly accepted them when she did wrong. My youngest has allways had problems accepting things and my wife and I have been to parenting classes a few years ago. This helped for a while, but I believe that because we changed the way we dealt with her she now thinks things should change when she wants them to.
The "rules" we have are:
Shoe's and outdoor coats taken of in the hall.(apparently mine)
Don't sit on the arms of chairs and sofa.(was ours now mine!)
Take plates and glasses back into kitchen when finishd or asked.
Keep room tidy and put washing in wash basket.
Wash bath down after shower and remove clothes.
No mobiles at meal times.
No taking out of pierced ear rings and placing on table when eating.(mine)
Not playing with hair at meal times.(mine)
Waiting till we have finishished main course before leaving table if she is not having pudding.
One lays the table and takes dinner in and the other clears the table.
I understand that at times she might forget but if I remind her I am told either "No" or "I'll do it later". Other tings like going to bed, watching T.V, late nights and staying over friends have all changed, as she has got older to move with the times. I don't believe we have to many. I grew up in a childrens home and there were lots more then but I do believe you should have certain rules so that the children know where they stand and to teach tem mannors for latter life.
Sorry this is so long. Advise will be helpfull and gratefull!!

SkintGypsy

I'm not sure it would ever be necessary in most households to have rules regarding hair twiddling and taking out ear piercings at the dinner table. Sure something must have lead to those rules, but it doesn't sound like a rule you should have to had with your youngest being 17!

It sounds like you are still treating her like a very much younger child, and maybe that is why she behaves so childishly? She sounds annoying, but probably quite normal, if a bit immature for 17. She needs something constructive to do if her main goal is to wind you up. Stop giving her the attention she is clearly seeking.

coco1980

Sorry I only have a 10yo so no experience of teenagers but i think some of your rules sound just like good manners and if these are the only rules ahe has to follow then she doesnt realise how easy she has it.

ps sorry for font have no idea how i changed it:o

Indie_Kid

SkintGypsy wrote: »

It sounds like you are still treating her like a very much younger child, and maybe that is why she behaves so childishly?

Yeah. As a 17 year, the only rule that I had was "you can come and go as you please; but you have to tell us where you're going and who you're with".

Radiantsoul

What is your daughter view on these matters?
Does she feel there are too many petty rules? Or is there something else underlying it?
And how are you telling her these rules?
I don't think your rules are especially outrageous, but you could explain why they are important. I am guessing that a childrens home probably had a lot of rules and that might shape your worldview. But it is increasingly the case that children and teenagers are taught to question and challenge world views, rules, the status quo, etc. This can seem annoying, but free thinking and challenging authority are not always wrong. Perhaps you need to figure out what drives her disobedience and work around it.
I can see for example, that for you the mobile phone at mealtimes makes sense. But for her perhaps one of her friends might be having a crisis(as they see it) and she feels she needs to text back. I am not saying you should compromise your rules, but see that she might have challenges she sees as valid.

snapping_crocodile

chillerman wrote: »

Hi.
The "rules" we have are:
Shoe's and outdoor coats taken of in the hall.(apparently mine)
Don't sit on the arms of chairs and sofa.(was ours now mine!)
Take plates and glasses back into kitchen when finishd or asked.
Keep room tidy and put washing in wash basket.
Wash bath down after shower and remove clothes.
Waiting till we have finishished main course before leaving table if she is not having pudding.
One lays the table and takes dinner in and the other clears the table.

I have no advice I'm afraid except to say the rules I have quoted above were all part of my life when growing up. Not so much that they were written in stone but we knew what was expected of us. They are all good manners in my eyes, as others have said. Have you ever sat her down and asked her if she has an issue with any of the rules? Might be a good opportunity for you to both express your feelings?

Lotus-eater

Your do have alot of rules and the chances of getting me to wash the bath down at 17, even once was a million to one, let alone every day.

17 year olds break rules, that's what they do and no two children are going to be the same.

You do need to chill out a bit and remember that if you want 17 year olds to do anything, you are going to have to tell them every time.
I would cut back on some of the more harsh rules and give her a bit more leeway. I would never expect a 17 year old to be told you must carry the dinner in every day. I might ask with a smile for some help though.

libbyc3

how about a general 'you treat us and our house wth respect and you will recieve the same in return' - rather then break it down into the nitty gritty minor irritations that seem to be on your current list?
Though be prepared - if you slack the reins a little, expect her to take a mile - at least to start with, if she is used to being told/reminded of every little thing.

gill_81uk

Your list doesn't sound like rules to me on the whole, but just basic good manners. Noone should be taking out pierced earrings and leaving them on the table where people are eating!!

I don't know if the problem is actually calling them 'rules' as this could be making her rebel against them? if I had taken my earrings out at the table I would have been told it was disgusting and it would never have happened again. There certainly would have been no need to make it a 'rule'.

Similarly sitting on arms of chairs - I did this when I was younger and was told that it would damage the chair/sofa. A lot of it is just common sense.

RedBern

chillerman wrote: »

The "rules" we have are:
Shoe's and outdoor coats taken of in the hall.(apparently mine)
Don't sit on the arms of chairs and sofa.(was ours now mine!)
Take plates and glasses back into kitchen when finishd or asked.
Keep room tidy and put washing in wash basket.
Wash bath down after shower and remove clothes.
No mobiles at meal times.
No taking out of pierced ear rings and placing on table when eating.(mine)
Not playing with hair at meal times.(mine)
Waiting till we have finishished main course before leaving table if she is not having pudding.
One lays the table and takes dinner in and the other clears the table.
I understand that at times she might forget but if I remind her I am told either "No" or "I'll do it later". Other tings like going to bed, watching T.V, late nights and staying over friends have all changed, as she has got older to move with the times. I don't believe we have to many.

Don't call them 'rules' - they are not rules or regulations - they are basic good manners for young people to help them adapt to later life and grow up as responsible adults. It is a courtesy to those you are living with to wash out the bath and put dirty towels/clothes away - as she will find if she goes off to uni it is not one that everyone adheres to (ask her big sister!) - but it makes for a much nicer living environment if everyone does it. Putting your plates away when you've finished is a courtesy - she's not living in a hotel - and using a mobile at meal times is rude.

Perhaps adopt a different approach - and leave the plates to fester in her room for weeks until they grow legs and move downstairs themselves? Good luck!

oops - gill beat me to some of the above! note to self - must type faster!!

ailuro2

Tell her it's simple good manners and if she can't stick to them like an ordinary member of the family, then she will be expected to live there as if she was a lodger - i.e. she would have to provide and cook her own food, do her own washing up and cleaning, have a set time in the bathroom , aswell as being expected to pay for all her own toiletries etc. if she got really antsy you could charge her board and a share of the bills too.

I don't think your rules are too strict, give her the option of family member or lodger, as they do like to have a choice instead of having things 'imposed'

The most important thing is to present a united front from both parents, otherwise they sniff out the slightest chink in the armour and play one against the other.;)