need someone to talk to

Stryder

Well you seem to be surviving - which is the priority.

Can only imagine the confusion you must feel - the anger/frustration/guilt/hurt etc.

Just keep reminding yourself that these things do not happen in a healthy relationship so really, it was just not meant to be. He is the one that acted outside what was reasonable. You must stand by that - hold on to the common sense.

To be honest, police take firearms offences VERY seriously and if he is charged with that I doubt he will be trouble. HE is probably in enough trouble as it is.

The trick, I believe, to situations like this is something we do are not very good at. It is about allowing yourself to be sad, but avoid self pity. They can seem similar, and if this is the 2nd time it has happened to you I could see why the "why me's" may appear. But do not let it get the better of you. In the end the relationship ended for a very good reason. So no doubts, no questions. And similarly you can feel sorry for him (if you want to), but that is not the same as forgiving or forgetting.

Just try to see this as yet another lesson learnt. it is partially up to you whether this event is your last awful relationship or not. Being positive will help avoid it again.

That and avoiding men whose favourite film is Predator and who subscribe to Vietnam Monthly!!!!

Good luck

determined_new_ms

Hi Captainscott I hope that things are peaceful for you, and I am sorry for everything you have been through. Everyone on here is giving you very sound advice - as difficult as it may be for you right now, if someone has been domestically violent to you then the likelihood is it will happen again and again, its about the "haze" that comes over someone in anger. I don't know if anyone has suggested this to you - possibly if you've contacted Woman's aid? There are 2 schemes that I think may be helpful to you the first is called "Floating Support" which you can find out about through the local athority for do a search for "Supporting People" in your area (Its a government run scheme which helps people who are experiencing difficulties, they will have a specialism in DV). FS can help with making sure you have all the benefits you are entitled to if you are on a low income, they can help you resolve any debts you have and often they are able to negotiate debts being witten off with companies. I work in this field but not in DV and we work with lots of different groups and can be for a short while just to give someone some support while they are going through difficult times. The other is called "The freedom programme", this will be run through DV services and it is a group that works with women who have experienced DV, over a number of weeks the group looks at a number of commonn factors in DV such as looking at patterns common, why the women are often drawn to men with these traits, raising self-esteem & confidence, looking at what love is (to quote the slogan "love shouldn't hurt"). I haven't been on this course but it does have a good reputation and does help women break the pattern.

As for wanting to know why he behaved like this - you'll never know, how many people can be truely honest about their feelings and motivations? He needs to get help but that's his bag and you have to look after yourself. I wish you all the best and know that there is a happier life for you out there xx

poppyoscar_3

Hi Captainscott,
I have recently been through something similar with my husband. He pushed me around a couple of times and didn't 'hurt' me but the third time he did the job properly. He had also been emotionally abusing me for some time. He's no longer at home.
I know exactly what you mean about wanting to know why - there is no good reason. He made contact with me, breaching bail, and I met him. He had no answers and in fact just went on to make more threats once he realised I wasn't going to drop charges, so was arrested again. We're in court next week as he has pleaded not guilty.
I also know what you mean about the empty house. Mine is empty too, but at least it is peaceful now, and I would rather come home and be lonely than come home and be scared. I know it will take time, but life will be better again because I will make sure it does. Don't get me wrong - I adored my husband. I miss him every day. The realisation that he didn't feel the same is almost harder than the abuse.
I did tell people at work what happened - they have been supportive and kind. It helped me because I have had wobbly days and they then understand why. Friends and family have been wonderful too, as have witness care and witness support.
It will get easier. I refuse to let a weak man who resorted to violence ruin my life. Keep strong - pm me if you want a chat. Be positive and take a day at a time. Give yourself treats and remember you are the strong one, even when you don't feel like you are.
Big hugs and keep smiling, but only when you feel like it.
PO xxxxxx

captainscott996

poppyoscar wrote: »

Hi Captainscott,
I have recently been through something similar with my husband. He pushed me around a couple of times and didn't 'hurt' me but the third time he did the job properly. He had also been emotionally abusing me for some time. He's no longer at home.
I know exactly what you mean about wanting to know why - there is no good reason. He made contact with me, breaching bail, and I met him. He had no answers and in fact just went on to make more threats once he realised I wasn't going to drop charges, so was arrested again. We're in court next week as he has pleaded not guilty.
I also know what you mean about the empty house. Mine is empty too, but at least it is peaceful now, and I would rather come home and be lonely than come home and be scared. I know it will take time, but life will be better again because I will make sure it does. Don't get me wrong - I adored my husband. I miss him every day. The realisation that he didn't feel the same is almost harder than the abuse.
I did tell people at work what happened - they have been supportive and kind. It helped me because I have had wobbly days and they then understand why. Friends and family have been wonderful too, as have witness care and witness support.
It will get easier. I refuse to let a weak man who resorted to violence ruin my life. Keep strong - pm me if you want a chat. Be positive and take a day at a time. Give yourself treats and remember you are the strong one, even when you don't feel like you are.
Big hugs and keep smiling, but only when you feel like it.
PO xxxxxx

hi po,

thank you for telling me what happened to you. i got a letter from police this morning whith where to log in to see the status of the crime. it says ABH nothing about guns - mind you it says they are still investigating....

one thing i didnt mention earlier in previous posts is that my lodger is moving out - as a result of all of this. so have been worried about finances more than i originally mentioned. however, some good news - my friend from round the corner is thinking about moving in - i will be charging less rent but it is still better than nothing .

today i don't feel like going through paperwork so have done a little bit of housework and mum is picking me up later to go into town.

going to work tomorrow and am looking forward to that.

once again thank you to everyone who has posted and told me that it is not my fault and thank you to everyone who has told their story.

right off to get the washing in and have a shower - little things all add up and make you feel better about having done something during the day.

scot88

Just want to say well done to you captainscott. Having been a victim of Dv I know a bit about what you're going through. Stay strong,things will get better.

SouthernBellE*

Hi hun, Just quick message to say good for you my girl. You sound more positive with each post. Great news about your mate possibly moving in.

A note to you and every other woman who has posted their own experiences on this thread, I ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE & YOUR STRENGTH. Very best of luck to you all.

captainscott996

cannot sleep....

went through my paperwork and he owes me just over £1500 this is money i could well do with to pay bills. had a little look at small claims but it is complicated. think i am going to write a letter mentioning small claims and see if that has any effect...

do they put a CCJ against you just because someone has made a claim against you or is it only if you don't pay - all very confusing. what does a CCJ actually mean??

bin men didn't empty my bin today either and that keeps playing on my mind too - irrational worry about things over which i have no control is not conducive to good sleep and now i am getting worried about being tired at work :(

Stryder

CCJ County Court judgement, and it is not complex. I head ache inducing online form, takes 20 mins or so, and then it goes off. However, you will only be able to collect if you can prove he took the money (or owes the money) and there was an agreement or duty for him to pay/return it.

(watched too much Judge Judy)#
The CCJ only kicks in if they are forced to pay up

Stryder

for the record, the number of nights I could not sleep worrying if I will get enough sleep.... well i would not count them

Although if I count them they may be like sheep, and put me to sleep!

msflowerfairy

When i can't get to sleep, i lay there with my eyes closed and think of what i would do if i won the lottery, it always makes me go to sleep...don't ask me why LOL!