need someone to talk to

Flearoy

OP. They guy waved a gun at you. It doesn't matter whether it was a spud gun or a submachine gun. I'm afraid that if you let him back in you might end up a statistic. Do the right thing for yourself.

SouthernBellE*

Hello my little love, sorry to hear whats been happening to you. Please hear the message everyones telling you. You,re looking back and wondering what could of been. Anyone reading this is looking ahead and seeing what your life would be if you ever stayed with this man. Bear in mind that this man, facing court charges is likely to try and convince you how much he loves you & it will never happen again. Your first reaction was to defend him because it was only an airgun. It don,t matter my sweet what it was, a fist, a slap, an airgun. The point was to cause you pain, to cause terror and fear. Thats not love. Love shouldn't make you feel that you must have been to blame for the split lip he gave you. Your response of guilt and worry about him going to prison and that you felt so alone afterwards makes me worry that you'd let him back in your life and for this reason, with your feelings so raw, I hope you have no contact with him no matter what you think needs sorting out.
You're not to blame and you're not alone. You worry about telling your Mum as if she'd blame you. My darling no matter what your relationship with your Mum is like, no Mother or Father would want this kind of life for their child. They won't blame you, if they shout its out of anger that someone could do that to you. There is no-one in this world that would care more than they do about your happiness and they will want to help.
You have a wonderful life ahead of you if you keep looking forward and I hope oneday you'll meet the man that shows you what it really is to feel love. Without fear. You didn't deserve this and you do deserve so much better. A controlling man will alienate you from everyone you know given the chance, its so you feel you need him. I'm so glad you've not got babies with this man, you'd have wasted so much of your life trying to make things work. I'm glad you're working and not financially dependant on him. I'm glad your home is yours. You're already so much better off than so many women in your situation. Stay busy, enjoy catching up with friends, spend time with mum. It won't take long for your confidence to come back. (he's responsible for you losing it). You'll soon see that you are in control of your own future,and its whatever you want it to be. Freedom to make choices that suit you & make you happy. You can't spend your life walking on egg shells for fear of upsetting your man. You should never think his happiness is more important than your own. If things are going wrong in your mans life, you weren't the cause.Willing to share what problems he has NEVER means use me as your punchbag to make yourself feel better.
There is more help available than there's ever been and its a far more common a problem than you realise. NO ONE suffering physical violence or mental torture deserves it.

Chose wisely my love, stay safe and every happiness to you:A

Nixer

captainscott have you considered maybe trying to get in touch with some of the friends that you lost touch with when you stopped going out? Obviously I don't know the circumstances and you might feel as if it's too much to deal with at the moment with everything else going on but it might be something to think about as things start to calm down.

You sound much more upbeat which is good. Having your friend and a job that sounds as if it's no hassle is really going to be a big help at the moment. There will probably be downs as well as ups but you sound as if you're going to be fine in dealing with them.

captainscott996

went to mums again last night after work - don't like coming in to an empty house. so i have been having dinner watching eastenders and then coming home. this gives me less time to dwell on things and get upset. whilst at mums i work out what i will do when i get in (cancel milk, cancel dvd rental, order avon) so even though i have only 'achieved' one small thing each evening it is better than nothing.

i have a sort of plan for the weekend and i know what my parents will be doing so i can always go there if i need to.

sunday we are all going to visit grandma and then have roast dinner (nice piece of beef from my freezer) then i may stay there as i am not working on monday. i know that sometimes i am worse if i wake up with no action plan because then i see no reason to get out of bed and then when it gets to 12 i get miserable because i havent done anything then i get cross with myself. so as i already know that this may happen i can try and take steps to prevent it.

there has been no request from oh's family for his stuff so i have decided to leave it where it is at the moment and pack it when i feel ready. at least if it is in cupboards and wardrobes it is not in my way wheras bin bags and boxes in a corner of the room will be more of a constant reminder.

still annoyed about the amount of money he owes me - not got an exact figure just a rough idea. not quite ready to go through bank statements just yet - may do it on monday depending how i feel. i know i probably will not get the money back but at least if i know the exact figure i can say 'your brother owes me £... therefore i will be keeping DVD player etc. if you don't believe me i have all of the bank statements'.

still not heard anything from police about what is happening - do they not know it is more upsetting to not know anything - even just a call to say are you ok? we are still working on things would be better than nothing......

right, off to make a cup of tea, get the dishwasher on and change the settings on the boiler.

thank you everyone for your support - i am very very grateful. it really does help to have everything on here - i keep reading back through everything whenever i am online. i do need it drumming into my head that it was not my fault and although mum is supportive i don't want to keep having conversations about it as that makes me feel worse (and sometimes she says the wrong thing and i don't want to get cross with her). far better to read on here, have a little cry and then pick myself up and get things done.

Mrs_Moc

I've just read through your thread and wanted to say how happy I am to see you being so strong. You have had a very lucky escape from this man and now have an opportunity to move on and lead the type of life you want! The world is your oyster and you can do anything you want.

So many people go back into these awful relationships, please dont let yourself be one of them.

I spent 15 years going back and forward to my husband who was very abusive. Trying to understand, believing the lies over and over. I woke up one day, 3 months ago and ended the madness. I sometimes think what an absolute waste of my youth. Those thoughts keep me sane when im feeling low.

Keeping busy is good, you have the right ideas and you sound like your doing brilliant. Believe it or not, these experiences can make you so much stronger.

Good luck and hugs :T

Savvy_Sue

Well, I am glad to hear that you are sounding more 'sensible', but please ...

captainscott996 wrote: »

he was waving a gun at me - i think it was only one of those air guns (mind still would have hurt alot if aimed at me) but the police were very interested and searched the house last night

You THINK it was ONLY one of those air guns - but that means you think it MIGHT have been a real gun. Please, why would ANYONE continue a relationship with ANYONE who keeps guns in the house for no GOOD reason???!!!

When I worked for a Housing Association, we once refused a tenancy to someone who had a conviction for a gun-related offense. He made a formal complaint, I had to take notes at the 'hearing', and he said "Just because I've had a gun doesn't mean I'd use it." Or words to that effect.

Within a year, he'd been shot dead. If you play with fire, you WILL get burnt.

captainscott996 wrote: »

i want to talk to him - i want to know why he snapped - i want to promise him that i will take care of the cats - i want to know why everything went so wrong - i want to know why he hurt me when he says he loves me

As others have said, you may not get answers, but primarily remember that he is ILL. That doesn't make you responsible for him, however, and it certainly doesn't mean that you have to care for him however badly he treats you.

And remember that people can easily say they love someone, either because that's what the other person wants to hear, or because that's what will get them what they want at the time.

Stay strong.

bertiebots

So many of us have been in your situation....never ceases to amaze me how many women carry this around . know that when you post here many will understand ,even if you feel like you're alone, you're not.
You are doing so well and from your posts sound like you are getting stronger. Keep going , you really are doing well.

Butterfly_Brain

Good for you hun
I am so glad you are talking to your mum and that she is being as supportive as she can. Forgive her if she comes out with the wrong things, she only has your welfare and happiness on her mind - we can all say the wrong things at times but that is part of being human. Maybe you think that she is saying the wrong thing but if you think about it - is she? You are living on a Knife edge at the moment and the truth stings sometimes.
Maybe now you can be free of this thug and find someone who will truly care for you. I really do hope, so and wish you well for the future and please stay on the thread because it would be lovely to hear that you are happy x

DKLS

Never forget that you didnt deserve/ask for any of this and you did nothing wrong, despite potential excuses of drugs alchohol, lack of job, provocation or any other crap excuse.

As a man he should never raise a hand to a women, there is no excuse, he always has the option of walking out the door to calm down. I can manage to resolve any issues with my fiance by communicating, raised voices and fists never resolve anything.

Keep smiling follow the great advice on here, and hopefully you will find a partner sometime in the future who will teat you with love and respect you like the goddess that you truly are.

SouthernBellE*

Hi Hun, glad you're checking in and good to hear you're getting organised. You sound worried about no contact from the police. Is it because you want to know he's locked up or are you actually worrying about him and if he will be locked up? It's a weird time for you I know and strange being there on your own & I only ask because one of your previous posts said you wanted to talk to him, to find out what went wrong. I'd hate to see him talk you round to taking him back. A man like this will tell you anything, there is no explanation to behave as he did and I wouldn't like to see you fall for his yarn. Please don't talk to him, don't give him the opportunity to soften you. So what if he gets banged up, you didn't put him there, he's a grown man & responsible for his own actions, he'd have put himself there. I'd sooner here he was banged up for 6 months than read a paper tomorrow & reads he's responsible for putting you 6 foot under. It's never a one off my sweet and there are so many women that live so many years of their life in the hope that the last beating would be the last. It's a false dream and years of your life gone. Stay strong my love. I wish I could hear a bit of anger in your post. You should be outraged! How dare he do that when he's supposed to love you! It's a question you'll never understand i'm afraid. There is support for you. Believe in yourself. You're stronger than you know & you will get through this. Life will be better...(if he stays out of it..keep away from him...please). Good luck my sweet.