need someone to talk to

C_Mababejive

Might as well make the break now rather than solider on...?

Bitsy_Beans

captainscott996 wrote: »

i want to talk to him - i want to know why he snapped - i want to promise him that i will take care of the cats - i want to know why everything went so wrong - i want to know why he hurt me when he says he loves me

Honestly will anything coming out of his mouth actually change what he did? At best it will be lame excuses, at worst a tissue of lies - you're not going to get the answers you desperately want. and really do you think this bloke will give a stuff about the cats?!

when you say you haven't been anywhere - why is that? Because he doesn't like it? does he make life difficult for you if you do go out? Is he controlling over money and friends? When he says he loves you is it more about him controlling you and your life?

PandorasJar

captainscott996 wrote: »

when i spoke to police just before posting it didn't even sound as if he had been interviewed...

now that i have you guys on here i am more upset than before

a few years ago i had such high hopes - look where i am now.

a year ago me and a friend got drunk and i remember saying that i didn't feel like me anymore - i used to go out every weekend and have loads of friends.

since i have been with him i have hardly been out and the only time we went out as a couple was to tesco.

he didn't buy me a birthday present because he was made redundant. i had the day off (hoping to go to cinema or something) and he refused because he was ill. i bought myself some flowers from the supermarket.

god it sounds so depressing

Don't feel more upset honnie. It's a crappy situation to be in, but it's better cutting your losses on someone like that now, than later in life. Rather than being down, just look at how many people are behind you in this situation The best of us have been there, there's not many people out there, male or female, who haven't felt threatened or let down in a certain situation by someone we trusted

And just because of one set back, that shouldn't mean the whole lot has been pointless! You have a house, you've got the temp job tomorrow, you've got lots of open doors Perhaps you just need to close one or two.

I feel like this a lot of the time, I rarely go out now as I don't drink and feel awkward on messy nights out now... but you notice your true friends more when there aren't hundreds of 'yes men' around you. However if it isn't on your terms, then go back out! Take this as a turning point

A lack of money is no good excuse for not getting you something on your birthday... a day of pampering costs nothing, cooking etc.

Maybe he's getting more convenience out of you than anything else?

Remember that there are good ones out there though. Only a very lucky minority find Mr.Right first time round... the rest are just to get practise in... right?!

Hugs
P

Stryder

Well - CaptainScott - i would not worry about it too much. Worrying never helps.

You need to be matter-of-fact about it. I suspect you will never feel safe around him again and unless you have a real concrete reason to stay with him (which you do not seem to) I would leave in full knowledge that it is what you have to do.

I would try to leave the house - or if your house - remove his items (if shared you will have to probably move out) and change the locks. You need to make clear that there will be no going back. Do not under any circumstances send out mixed messages. Emotions can get the best of us in these situations so be as business like as you can.

You need also to pre-arm yourself - with information.
So speak to:
http://www.homeoffice.gov.uk/crime-victims/reducing-crime/domestic-violence/
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/ 0808 2000 247
http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/domestic_violence/
Women's Aid Federation of England 0808 200 0247
Samaritans 08457 909 090

Get advice, and get it quick.

It is difficult to judge people without knowing everything, and i think it is unwise to (although no one in a powerful position should strike a weaker/more vulnerable person - whether its a gender/age/ability/work issue). I would remind yourself that it is not your fault - he was violent because he IS violent, or at least went through a violent episode. No matter what you did (if you did anything) you can not provoke violence in another person. You can provoke emotions: love, hate, anger, calm, frustration, contentment etc., but violence is the way someone reacts to those emotions. So do not blame yourself. I am sure he has problems so protect yourself and your family, and move forward.

[although the fact he has "weapons" and would point them at you does not do anything for his character or mentality and you are probably best out of it]

Also - tell your mum. That's what she is for. I doubt she would thank you for keeping her in the dark!
But maybe get advice and take positive actions so you can tell her without feeling like you are asking her for anything other than emotional help.

Try not to get to angry and hurt dwelling on this - because you probably do not need any more negative emotions. Just deal with it in a clear and efficient manner, make sure you have covered your bases (finances, pets and housing) and then move on. IT WILL BE HARD WORK at first. But at the moment no one is injured. act now and things WILL GET BETTER

Good luck!

PS it is true people tend to make the same mistakes with people (relationships). Dating someone who treats you badly is often a symptom of low self esteem, etc, i am sure you know that. Spend sometime getting comfortable with yourself, and really value yourself, before finding another idiot (man) to be with. if you rely on a guy to make yourself feel good you will often end up with a manipulator/cheater/etc.

But then again i am 31 and single ...... so maybe do not take my advice to seriously!

Bennifred

Hi - really sorry that you are going through this.

I'd like to suggest that rather than sitting there worrying about what to say if his Mum phones, you should phone her yourself. Tell her exactly what happened. That way you can hand over the worrying about him (which I think you are, feeling responsible, etc) to his family. When he is released he will need somewhere to go and hopefully his family will take that on - they can't help if they don't know.

And definitely get the locks changed TODAY.

MarieAAP

All the best advice has already been given, so I am just adding my support. This is what this place is all about.
M

Proc

captainscott996 wrote: »

i want to promise him that i will take care of the cats

Well, if his biggest worry right now is the welfare of his pets then he's really not worth your time of day. If I were a woman (thank god I'm not) and that had happened to me, he would get home, and all of his crap would be in bin liners at the end of the garden. Locks would be changed, inside door chains would be used, and I'd be sleeping with a golf club next to the bed.

Do you have a good relationship with neighbours? It may be worth talking to them to let them know what's happened. That way, if he turns up, they may notice and can conveniantly pop around for a cup of tea or something.

PandorasJar

Proc wrote: »

Well, if his biggest worry right now is the welfare of his pets then he's really not worth your time of day. If I were a woman (thank god I'm not) and that had happened to me, he would get home, and all of his crap would be in bin liners at the end of the garden. Locks would be changed, inside door chains would be used, and I'd be sleeping with a golf club next to the bed.

Do you have a good relationship with neighbours? It may be worth talking to them to let them know what's happened. That way, if he turns up, they may notice and can conveniantly pop around for a cup of tea or something.

Good idea on the neighbours. Another pair of eyes can't hurt

Sadly it's not just women, the worst case of domestic abuse I've seen was by a woman. My friend to this day can't shop in the supermarket chain she works at etc and has no self confidence and he's a truly lovely guy. It's so wrong for any human to think that they are above someone else to that extent :mad:

P

euronorris

captainscott996 wrote: »

i want to talk to him - i want to know why he snapped - i want to promise him that i will take care of the cats - i want to know why everything went so wrong - i want to know why he hurt me when he says he loves me

I understand why you want to understand etc, but honestly, there's a good chance that you may never know.

Even if you asked him, his response may not be truthful. And, he may not even understand himself.

But know this - it is NOT your fault (as everyone else has pointed out). These are HIS issues and he's decided to take them out on you. Not because you're bad, or because you did anything wrong, but simply because you are there. You are the closest person around.

I know it's hard, but eat your Pot Noodle (if you haven't already), drink your tea and start putting a plan together to get him out of your life, and start moving your life in a positive direction.

Please, please confide in someone about this. It's too much to cope with on your own, and if you don't tell someone, the chances are that you will just accept him back into your life and the cycle will repeat itself. I think you know this, and it may be the reason why you are reluctant to tell them. If you do, there's less chance of you 'sorting it out' with him and despite everything, I'm willing to bet you miss him and want things to work.

Unfortunately, it will only work if he wants it to. And that involves him getting help and you two separating until he can prove that he's changed. Do NOT just take his word for it. Even if he really wants to change and believes he can, if you make it too easy for him to come home, he has no motivation to change.

Edit: But I would seriously reconsider being with a violent person who keeps weapons, including guns (real or not), in the house. Next time it may not just be a threat, so please, please, please think about yourself first and foremost.

Oh, and if there is any chocolate in the house, eat it!

Butterfly_Brain

Sorry to say this hun but you need to get out of this relationship fast!!!!!!!!
Find a refuge and go there NOW, he won't be able to get to you, and please talk to your Mum she will be as horrified to hear of what happened as we all are.
If he is charged with possession of a firearm the minimum sentence is 5 years in prison I'm sorry but Good Riddance to bad rubbish I am sending you lots of hugs because you need them x x