Opinions pls. So upset...

confuseddotcom1

Long story short, me and OH were out with his friends a couple of weekends ago. Everyone had quite alot to drink and towards the end of the night my OH admitted that he had snorted a line of cocaine (as had all his friends). I went off my head and started shouting at him in front of his friends as I was so angry. Edit: We had left the pub by then and they only heard it because they caught up with us.) He basically said I was being irrational and that he was so drunk he didnt realise he was doing it until after he had. I said that no matter how drunk anyone is how the h*ll can you shove something up your nose and not be aware of what you are doing. He hasnt apologised since and basically making out that its my fault for overreacting to it. He is being very aggressive towards me (verbally not physically) so I cant even talk to him about it anymore. Ive tried to stop thinking about it but even now I am so upset and dont feel like I can trust him or even know him anymore. He is in his early 40's by the way, so not a daft teenager. We have been together for 3 years and he is well aware of my thoughts re cocaine etc. So far as I know he hasnt taken it before and definately doesnt do it regularly. He basically said last week that as I smoke cigarettes and he hates it I shouldnt dictate to him what he can and cant do although he said he had no intention of doing it again. Am so upset and now starting to wonder if Im just being irrational.................:(

mrcow

Yes you over reacted. You should apologise for embarassing him in front of his friends.

He's a 40 year old man. He doesn't need or deserve to be shouted at like a kid in front of his mates.

Grow up and learn to start talking about your concerns rather than shouting the odds and going off in a stroppy sulk.

cheepskate_2

Nice friends.....to just do something like this on a whim seems not quite true especially for his age . I would be looking to see if this is a regular thing just my opinion but it seems like it is.

Dontknowanymore

Sorry but I agree with mrcow.
There are alot worse things someone can do than snort one line of coke!
And shouting at him infront of his friends, how embarrassing!

Glen0000

Personally I could not trust someone who thought it was ok to take illegal drugs or had a group of friends who thought it was ok. Comparing fags to cocaine is stupid as last time I looked smoking was not illegal.

Trust your instincts. If he was 18, different story, kids can be silly, but he is 40. Get out before you find out the other nasties he gets up to.

confuseddotcom1

mrcow wrote: »

Yes you over reacted. You should apologise for embarassing him in front of his friends.

He's a 40 year old man. He doesn't need or deserve to be shouted at like a kid in front of his mates.

Grow up and learn to start talking about your concerns rather than shouting the odds and going off in a stroppy sulk.

Thanks for your opinion. I guess I was of the opinion that he is the one that should grow up. I reckon I went off my head at him because I was so shocked that he had been in a toilet snorting something (and freely admitted he didnt know what it was) without even talking to me first when he knows how anti-cocaine I am. Thanks for your reply.

p.s I wasnt shouting at him in the pub, it was on the way home and the only reason his friends were there was because they caught up with us and overheard it.

euronorris

I think you over reacted in the pub (ie, it would have been better to wait until you were home to discuss it).

But, in terms of how upset you are, I don't think you have over reacted. I suspect your anger is coming from fear (fear of him already doing it more, fear of him doing it more in future, fear of him becoming addicted etc etc), which is perfectly understandable. Also just though, he's broken your trust also, so you now view him differently too.

He's 40 years old, and he is right in that, if he wants to do it, he doesn't need your permission. But, if it is this upsetting to you, and possibly a 'deal breaker' for you, then he should also accept and understand your point of view.

I still think you both need to discuss this calmly to establish how and if you will move forward from this. I know he's making it hard, but keep trying and explain that this is an important issue to you, so you want to sort it out.

Do you (as a couple) or he have any children? He needs to think about the risks he's taking if there are children involved and show some maturity himself.

springclean

hmm, i'm not sure i like the bit about him doing something without talking to you first... and you wonder why he won't apologise and why he is being aggressive in his tone..?

personally, i wouldn't be happy. i'm anti-drugs, and know the trouble cocaine gets people into, as it ruined my mate's marriage (her ex took it). that said, he is an adult and you're not his keeper. i'd be surprised if it was his first go, as you don't just get sucked up into that sort of activity on a whim, however much you've had to drink. and i presume it wasn't a freebee...?

i'm not saying he's right, but it's a matter of choices, and what you are willing to accept - i.e. if he does it again will you stay with him or not? you can't tell him what to do, you're not his mum. and tbh, i think the smoking thing is a point as i wouldn't put up with a smoker either.

confuseddotcom1

euronorris wrote: »

I think you over reacted in the pub (ie, it would have been better to wait until you were home to discuss it).

But, in terms of how upset you are, I don't think you have over reacted. I suspect your anger is coming from fear (fear of him already doing it more, fear of him doing it more in future, fear of him becoming addicted etc etc), which is perfectly understandable. Also just though, he's broken your trust also, so you now view him differently too.

He's 40 years old, and he is right in that, if he wants to do it, he doesn't need your permission. But, if it is this upsetting to you, and possibly a 'deal breaker' for you, then he should also accept and understand your point of view.

I still think you both need to discuss this calmly to establish how and if you will move forward from this. I know he's making it hard, but keep trying and explain that this is an important issue to you, so you want to sort it out.

Do you (as a couple) or he have any children? He needs to think about the risks he's taking if there are children involved and show some maturity himself.

Thanks, no children at moment. I edited my last post to say I didnt react whilst we were in the pub. I waited until we had left so as not to cause a scene. Ive tried to speak to him about it but he just keeps saying that he didnt know what he was doing and I cant understand that. I think its more about not respecting me enough to at least tell me that he was going to do it and then showing no remorse for it afterwards knowing full well how upset I was. (we have had chats about stuff like this before and Ive made it really clear that I am totally against it.)

*Louise*

I don't blame you for being upset. I am 100% anti-drugs and would be disgusted with my husband if he ever took any (or if any of my family did tbh)

However, I would never have 'discussed' this anywhere near anyone else. He would have got the silent treatment until we were alone.

If you are sure it's a one off, then I would just try and let it go, he is very aware of your stance on this now. Don't let one slip up ruin your relationship.

confuseddotcom1

springclean wrote: »

hmm, i'm not sure i like the bit about him doing something without talking to you first... and you wonder why he won't apologise and why he is being aggressive in his tone..?

personally, i wouldn't be happy. i'm anti-drugs, and know the trouble cocaine gets people into, as it ruined my mate's marriage (her ex took it). that said, he is an adult and you're not his keeper. i'd be surprised if it was his first go, as you don't just get sucked up into that sort of activity on a whim, however much you've had to drink. and i presume it wasn't a freebee...?

i'm not saying he's right, but it's a matter of choices, and what you are willing to accept - i.e. if he does it again will you stay with him or not? you can't tell him what to do, you're not his mum. and tbh, i think the smoking thing is a point as i wouldn't put up with a smoker either.

Thanks for your reply. Im not the type of person who would ever try and tell him what to do but I guess I reacted the way I did because I was worried about him taking it as Ive seen people on it before who react badly to it and I suppose part of it was because I care about so much and probably (i fully admit) dont understand that much about the effects of it. I have smoked the whole time we have been together and the way I look at it is that he knew that before we were together and accepted it. If I didnt smoke I couldnt be with a smoker either but I dont think its a comparable thing to snorting coke.