Miscarriage support

Metranil_Vavin

Hi all x

Katy my mother said a few simillar things to me when I had my mc too. I know she didnt mean to be insensitive, but some of the flippant things people say can really hurt. My sister had a habit of trotting out the line 'mc's are so commonj, I know loads of people who've had them'..??!! !!!!!! so thats meant to be comforting is it?

I think the truth is that people really dont know what to say, and I know from my experience that nothing anyone says helps/changes anything. You've still lost something precious. I think the only thing that helps slightly is the passing of time, and even then as Penny said, I can suddenly have to leave my desk at work, rush into the toilet and cry my eyes out again.

Hugs to everyone here. I got my BFP yesterday, and whilst we are both thrilled, be are VERY cautious and nervous.

Amara

I think the truth is that people really dont know what to say, and I know from my experience that nothing anyone says helps/changes anything.

That's the point. People don't know what to say. Only someone who's been there can realy to understand it.

portsmouthali

Metranil_Vavin wrote: »

Hugs to everyone here. I got my BFP yesterday, and whilst we are both thrilled, be are VERY cautious and nervous.

Many congrats MV xxxx

jimbms

Amara wrote: »

I think the truth is that people really dont know what to say, and I know from my experience that nothing anyone says helps/changes anything.

That's the point. People don't know what to say. Only someone who's been there can realy to understand it.

Just to add but in no means taking away the terrible pain you ladies suffer, I found that people tend to ignore the feelings of the father, we have to be there and try to be strong for our wives whilst at the same time feeling the unbearable pain of both losing the child and seeing the one we love suffer so much, yet expected by society and professionals to carry on, yet I doubt this comes even close to how you ladies feel and I shed a tear for all of you whilst writing this, I sincerely wish all of you some happiness. With regard to employers, I ended up resigning from my position because they refused to acknowledge that my wife having the MC was a valid reason for me not woring overseas on a project and trust me it cost them dearly with an unfair dismissal claim so do not let them bully you into going back to work.

QQuaver

jimbms wrote: »

I found that people tend to ignore the feelings of the father,

So true. I was so pre-occupied to myself, I've never asked OH how he was feeling:( Sorry OH.

snipzychick

jimbms wrote: »

I found that people tend to ignore the feelings of the father, we have to be there and try to be strong for our wives whilst at the same time feeling the unbearable pain of both losing the child and seeing the one we love suffer so much, yet expected by society and professionals to carry on

My DH has just had a bad week, he seemed very distant, but didn't want to talk, he didn't really want to go to work,but dragged himself there anyway(self-employed) and I woke up to him shedding tears yesterday, he admitted he couldn't stop thinking about the baby we've lost, and he really wants us to start trying again, but he's scared to see me go through a miscarriage again. I think a lot of people believe the woman suffers more after a loss, but this simply isn't true. I know that one of the most frightening moments of his life was watching me in such pain, he was desperate to help me, but all he could do was rub my back, and give me painkillers. People only ask him how am I doing these days!!

QQuaver

Huge (((hugs))) Mr & Mrs snipzychick.

Metranil_Vavin

Thanks Ali.

It's a double-edged sword really..we're both ecsatatic of course, but I'm also really fearful of having to go through the same as last time.

I know OH is desperate for a baby and is obviously really happy, but is holding himself back from getting too excited as we've been through the dark side too.

Things I'm doing differently this time? Not touching alcohol at all..last time I allowed myself the odd glass of wine, justifying it to myself that it was Xmas etc. Eating better..we eat pretty well anyway, but just trying to eat more good stuff and less junk.

And also trying to relax more.

I dont know if anything can stop the inevitable, but fingers crossed this time.

(((Hugs))) to all who need them.

X

Amara

Just to add but in no means, taking away the terrible pain you ladies suffer, I found that people tend to ignore the feelings of the father, we have to be there and try to be strong for our wives whilst at the same time feeling the unbearable pain of both losing the child and seeing the one we love suffer so much, yet expected by society and professionals to carry on, yet I doubt this comes even close to how you ladies feel and I shed a tear for all of you .

True. Fathers feelings are often ignored. I honestly didn't understand my husband's behaviour afterwards. I didn't think .

FairyShazza

Amara wrote: »

I've been given a sick note for the next week. I brought it to my work, they said OK, althoght I got impressiontheyhaven't been happy about it.

Well tough!

This is one of the things I hate sometimes about employers. It's not like you have wished this to happen or have caused it in any way - unfortunately these things happen (far too often) and people should not be made to feel guilty for taking time off after going through such a terrible thing.

Unfortunately again it partly is because unless it has been experienced on a personal level it is so hard (if not impossible) to understand how going through a mc can affect a person not only physically but mentally as well.

It is coming up for 6 months since we found out about our mmc and although I do feel like I have made some progress in the last 6 weeks there isn't a day goes by when I don't think about what could have been. I don't think you do ever fully get over a mc but over time may come to terms with it a bit more.

Jimbms I agree that people all to often forget the father. I was very aware that my OH didn't have much in the way of support when we were going through our experience and I tried to make sure that he took time to open up to me about how he was feeling too. MC not only affects the woman who is going through it but all those around her too like a partner and family and friends if they are aware of whats happened.

Big group for everyone.

Reading of MV's BFP has given me hope - I wish you all the best with your pregnancy hun