Miscarriage support

Tilly_dreams

Hi ladies, I haven't posted on this thread before so I hope you don't mind me joining in.

I lost my baby boy in March at 32 weeks. He just stopped moving one day and when I went to hospital to get checked out he didn't have a heartbeat any more it was just devastating, absolutely heartbreaking, as I'm sure you know.

I had an awful time afterwards, I was quite poorly, had nearly three months of work, struggled to hold it together, etc etc, but now nearly six months later, I feel like I'm over the initial shock I suppose, I can go days without crying and I'm actually pregnant again (nine weeks) which I'm obviously happy about but comes with new challenges.

Anyways the reason for my post is that I suppose for the last six months I've seen good friends regularly but I've generally avoided bigger social events. But this afternoon I've been to a friends BBQ and just found it really hard. Most of our friends have children who were all there, some friends I hadn't seen since we lost our baby, another friend of a friend I suppose had actually lost a baby late in pregnancy too, and I just don't know what to say to people or how to be around people.

The lady who'd lost her baby too was talking to my husband about it but I couldn't even look at her, I didn't know she was going to be there and I wasn't prepared emotionally to discuss it so now I feel bad about that. No one else said anything but they obviously know - I hate when people don't say anything but then I get upset when they do so that's a no win situation!

I feel like I want to avoid anything like that again, stay in my safe bubble with my husband and close friends, family and colleagues who know. I just wondered what you ladies do/did, or how you cope?

It's true that stuff like this changes you as a person, so maybe it just is the case of getting used to being a different you. It's just so hard.

Anyways, I'm sorry we're all here and I'm sorry if I've waffled on, I've never wrote this down before so it's difficult. Take care all xx

msb5262

I'm glad you posted, Tilly - you have had a really difficult time over the last few months and it was brave of you to write it all down here. I can't begin to imagine how you are feeling now being pregnant again when of course you *should* now have a baby, let alone how you feel in social situations like the one you describe. Try not to worry too much about what other people think of you - or if it's really worrying you, maybe let people know (perhaps via a text or an email or via a friend) that you just can't talk about things at the moment. You have had a really shocking bereavement and I think people will respect that. Be kind to yourself and try to focus on doing whatever helps you - and by the way, I send you both condolences on your loss and congratulations on your pregnancy. You are doing really well to be able to articulate what you're feeling.
Best wishes
MsB x

lilmissreading

Oh Tilly, how unimaginably terrible. I hope you don't mind me posting although I've not been through what you have. Congratulations on your new pregnancy.

My friend lost her son at 30+ weeks in the same way - he just stopped moving. The first anniversary of his death was last month. The day after the anniversary her second daughter was born and they are both fit and well today if it helps at all to hear that.

Congratulations on starting to go out more - it's very brave. I am sure the first time you did this was going to be uncomfortable, even if you hadn't met the other lady.

Firstly I am sure you do not need to feel bad about not being able to talk about it to her. I am sure out of everyone in that party she understood the mixed emotions of wanting and not wanting to talk.

Do you have an idea of how you wanted to cope? Did you want to be like you would have been before? Is that realistic yet (or as you say ever)? Do you need to cut yourself some more slack? Comparison to other people is odious - don't compare yourself to this other lady. While you share a loss, the loss will have been very different for you both.

You can take your own time to go back socialising and I imagine each new situation might feel tricky as it's new. Some people practise or write down on a credit card sized piece of paper to keep in their wallet (excuse yourself to the loo to read) what they want to say. e.g. when people ask how I am, I want to say 'I'm ok all considered. After losing our baby I had and still have bad days but I am trying to focus on here and now and not talk about when it out. Thanks for asking.' Obs this is only example, you'll want to say things in your own way and probably different things to different people.

You sound very brave and like you are doing all the right things to help yourself.

samtoby

I am at the end of the one year anniversary of the worst month of my life.


I was told my baby had no heartbeat at the 12 week scan on the 31st July 2013. I was frozen to the spot. The grief really was like nothing I had experienced. I remember vividly finding August so hard and every day wondering why and whether my baby was a girl or a boy or whether they would have looked like their brother.


I am so lucky that I have welcomed a beautiful baby girl into my life quite recently but I still feel immense pain inside from the baby I lost.


I have scan pictures that I am not sure what to do with as they are pictures of my 'dead baby' - should I have kept them? Is that normal?


Reading the thread back makes me realise that I am extremely lucky and I feel like I should not feel sorrow for the baby I lost. But there is not a day I don't wonder. Hugs to all those who have lost, even if you have not posted. It is truly the worst experience and I would not wish it upon anyone.

Mrs_T_M

Samtoby - the baby was still your baby, regardless, and you can feel however you want! I would have kept the photos. I still have scan photos and photos of Dale taken after she was born in her baby book, as well as her little hand and foot prints and even though I'll never be able to add to her book or finish it, it's nice having. It's entirely up to you what you do with the photos, sometimes it's too hard for people to see, and some people find it a nice keepsake to remember what was lost, to prove to others that it was real. I know it's real to us, but lots of times others don't seem to realise that unless they've been through it.

*hugs*

samtoby

I have seen some ideas of what I could do with the scan picture. Like a heart in a heart with a quote. Something we can have in our bedroom or something.


Did you make anything memorial for Dale?

Mrs_T_M

We haven't done anything yet, just her baby book. I will eventually finish her cross stitch birth sampler (tatty teddy sleeping baby bear), but right now I can't bring myself to work on it - more because of the fact when I follow a black and white pattern it makes me go cross eyed than it's painful.

samtoby

That sounds really nice. I just thought people might think I was odd by keeping the scan pictures.

Mrs_T_M

samtoby wrote: »

That sounds really nice. I just thought people might think I was odd by keeping the scan pictures.

Not odd at all! I actually think it's a wonderful way to remember them.

I feel that the more we talk about this, especially to others, the less of a taboo subject miscarriage becomes. It is, unfortunately, very common, and other women and those who haven't experienced it need to be taught that if it happens, it isn't their fault and most especially, they aren't alone.

There is no 'right' way to grieve, nor should anyone ever attempt to put a time limit on it.

tea_lover

I don't think it's odd at all keeping scan photos. Yesterday I was looking at the 3 +ve pg tests which are the only tangible 'evidence' of my pg. It could definitely be considered odd to keep things I've peed on but hey... they were my babies so I get to decide how I choose to remember them.

Hugs to all xx.